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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating - a little scary

6 replies

lifebeginz · 05/07/2018 14:58

I'll try to keep it short. I am early 30's divorced after a short but unhappy marriage. After my marriage ended (I left) my ex husband moved on very quickly. in my vulnerable state I managed to be taken in by a violent, controlling narcissist. I managed to get myself out of that though it wasn't easy and after it ended up in Court I had to get counselling etc. Anyway I remained single for about a year and was quite happy that way but quite by accident met my ex. now he didn't treat me in anyway unkind while we were together and in fact just gave me a little faith that there are good men out there - however after an incident in his personal family life he called it quits and just shut me out his life. Now that hurt loads but we have since spoken and he has apologised. Anyway that was 5 months ago and I am feeling ready to meet someone so decided to give online dating a try. I have been chatting a lot to a man who seems genuine and lovely and we have a good laugh via messaging and he has asked me on a date this weekend to which I have agreed! I am looking forward to it but I am also a little anxious. It just feels such a big deal to go through the whole meeting someone for the first time and making conversation again, deciding if we are compatible. What if it leads somewhere first kiss etc again.....and I do have a constant niggling that what if it does go somewhere and I fall for him like I have done in the past then it goes t1ts up again? I feel like it is irrational but I do want to settle down and have a family and I have an insecurity about being let down again. I also feel like I can't keep letting people into my life and having them meet my family and friends just to walk out again. please tell me I am not alone in this worry? Andy advice, help reassurance would be great!

OP posts:
Alittlelost1 · 05/07/2018 19:53

I wasn’t married, I was engaged. Shortly after my engagement ended, I too ended up being with a naracistic creep. In December I met someone whom I thought was greet (turned out to be another twerp) and here I am, petrified of dating. Going through the whole getting to know someone business only for it to go tits up..... the fact I’m not looking forward to the prospect only tells me that really, I’m not all that ready. Have you thought that maybe you’re not truly ready, either? The idea should be exciting....

lifebeginz · 10/07/2018 10:04

Thanks for your reply. I have wondered myself if I am truly ready but I really do feel like I am...but I am still very cautious. As it happens the date went well and we are planning date 2. I am not getting my hopes up or expecting anything and am trying to be relaxed and play it all by ear

OP posts:
Alittlelost1 · 10/07/2018 19:18

Good luck Flowers

AnaViaSalamanca · 10/07/2018 19:54

you need to invest less in people, you have not even met this new man. Think of it as a couple of hours you spend otherwise watching TV or doing something else. Date more people too, and don't get attached quickly. Have you thought why the previous man was a narcissist? What were the signs? What you need to watch for this time around?

lifebeginz · 11/07/2018 14:04

Thanks Alittlelost

AnaViaSalamanca I have met him we have been out and are planning to go out again. I am very aware (possibly verging on over cautious) of the signs and am trying to be alert to that while at the same time trying to avoid tarring others with the same brush if that makes sense. it can be a bit of a minefield but I am older and wiser now and trying to be a bit more "take it a step at a time"

OP posts:
Alittlelost1 · 11/07/2018 14:14

Yes, slowly. I fear that I found what I was looking too hard for.... my supposed happy ever after. After the breakdown of my engagement I was looking for someone to take his place. Marriage,
Family etc so when they told me that’s what they wanted (love bombed the life out of me) I was all too willing to believe them. Too quickly! Lesson learnt!!! Xx

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