Thankyou MN'ers and now for some more advice please

[burningsugar]

Hi everyone, around two years ago I googled 'is my partner abusive'. I ended up on here and it was confirmed by the many many posts I resonated with that I indeed was in an abusive relationship. It's taken me since then to actually separate from him for good. Two weeks ago, actually, so very early days. So I want to thank every one of you for any bit of advice you gave to others, I lurked in the background and took a lot of it on board. I am so grateful.

He was such a bully. Still is

-told me he would 'knife me one of these days'

• made vomiting noises when I wore a bikini

-smashed up many many objects in our house

• called me a cunt/slut/piece of shit/ any nasty name you can think of
• sexted another woman while I was 40 weeks pregnant
• crossed sexual boundaries when I repeatedly told him not to
• held me in a headlock to prevent me from getting to our child(he can't remember this so I must be lying about it)
• said disgusting things about my body
• drove off the road in a rage erratically once when I said I had a lot on my mind
• made me drive him somewhere because he was drunk even though I was only 1 week post c-section

There is so so much more. Reading back why oh why did I stay

He is such a violent angry man and still all of the above he believes are my fault for making him angry!

I am now in need of further advice. I still have such anger inside me for the things that he has done. He became abusive after we had our first child ( we have two DD's, a 3 yr old and a 1yr old), and it has put such a dark cloud on what should have been such a wonderful time. He accepts no responsibility for any of his actions, shown no remorse and I don't think he ever will. It eats me up inside and I find myself getting cranky at the girls over small things and I know that it's this anger I have inside toward him that is contributing. My main question after that long post is How do I let this go!!! It's eating me up inside!!

So he is gone? Not in the house anymore? What about contact with children?

How do you get past it? Like you said, Early days. I big thing to keep my irritation under control is sleep. Are you getting enough rest or are you ruminating half the night? I love a good insomnia guided meditation if I’m struggling with that.

Thanks NotTaken.
Me and the kids have moved out. He has seen them sporadically but has been busy on four day benders on the drugs and grog now that he's a single man. I didn't meet much resistance when I told him we were leaving so that was pretty easy, apparently I'm such a bad evil person he's well rid of me .

The first few nights I slept soooo well, like I haven't slept in years. But now the ruminating and anxiety is back and I can't sleep. I'll look into some meditation.

I’ll find a youtube link I use often...

Have you thought about having some counselling to help you let go of the anger and move on?

Really glad to hear that you are your girls are away from this man. He sounds vile.

CBT could be useful for anxiety.
Or some counselling to talk it through?
Try not to ‘self medicate’ with alcohol or anything while you are feeling so unsteady already (leave that to him, arsehole!)
Try to keep active in the day - horrible advice if you are depressed, but great advice for heading off a bout of depression, iyswim.
ENJOY your new freedom with your lovely children and remind yourself often what a wonderful brave thing you have done by rescuing them from a life of watching their mum be ill treated. X

Thankyou so much for replies now I feel teary. I feel exhausted like I've been running a marathon. I think I will get some counselling, I have absolutely no self esteem and despite being excited for the future I still feel very dead inside, very numb, under a cloud. I might go listen to this link now and try get some sleep, it's nighttime here in Aus.

Do it! I hope it is effective for you.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

This is often suited as a great resource on threads like yours too.

Sited*

Thankyou xx

Ime the trauma and rage take a while to settle. You may feel extremely agitated for a few weeks but that dies down quite quickly ime. But the trauma and rage lasts longer.

I read a book about trauma and the author said the trauma she sees in survivors of domestic abuse is the same as the trauma she sees in war veterans who have seen active service. And we all know war vets take a while to heal.

Have a look at Melanie Tonia Evans and healing from narcissistic abuse.

Keep going lovely, this will pass xx

Exercise. A good hard run or a power walk if you aren't fit enough to run. Rant away in your head and sweat it out. Work out that tension. It really really does help.

I will have a look for that title. I did the guided meditation last night it was amazing, perfect as I love the beach, thanks NotTaken. I also love to go for a big hard jog, so will endeavour to do that with the girls in the double pram today. Thanks again everyone

Well done burningsugar. It’s cliche but everything seems a bit easier if you are sleeping well.

I came on here to suggest counselling and meditation.

Op you can ask your gp to refer you for counselling.

If you can get someone to babysit for you then maybe join a meditation group? There are many Buddhist meditation groups around run by monks or even a Sahaja yoga group. Sahaja yoga is a form of meditation.

I used to run a meditation Skype group once a week for people far and wide from around the world. So maybe if you can not get out to join a group, something similar would help you?

You will be angry, it is normal, anger as Malcolm X said is a gift. It is a raw and pure energy that can bring about positive change. You just need to find a way of channelling it in a positive and productive way.

I found painting helped me, the repetitive act of doing each brush stroke was calming and the therapeutic process of just letting my hands be free to express what was in my bruised and broken heart really helped.

Mindfulness walking in nature was also very clearing emotionally wise. As was allowing myself to sit with my pain, anger and suffering. Letting myself feel and not turning away from my dark thoughts, just accepting them in the knowledge that they will not kill me, that they will make me stronger and that what I was going through is a cycle, similar to that of bereavement.

Op you have done brilliantly, you will get to a point of feeling accepting of yourself, do not feel guilty for not ending things sooner, as Freud said, guilt is a useless emotion, it just makes us depressed. Life is a journey, sometimes we feel lost, sometimes we need to double back to find that hidden path that we walked pass. There are uphills and patches of stinging nettles overgrown, there also good views from the top of that hill and those stinging nettles future a whole host of wildlife.

Good luck Op, you are doing great.

nettles nurture a.....

Occamsrazor what a beautiful message Thankyou so much. A lot to think about on this new path back to 'me'.

much hugs to you burning and good luck