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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I need tough love ( or put in my place)

7 replies

Wadingthroughshit · 05/07/2018 09:52

Hi everyone.
I posted quite a bit about my ex about 4/5 months ago. Issues in the relationship mainly around sex, control, emotional abuse. Together a year and a half, it was co-dependent, not something I’d experienced before. I got very ill.
Anyway, haven’t been officially together for 3/4 months, but we still talk. I can’t seem to give him up completely. I’m a lot better, I’ve hardly seen him, I spend a lot more time with friends and family, working on my Masters, and being at the gym, I’ve started sleeping better too. So i am doing okay.
But as I said, I still can’t remove myself completely. I have got very angry about what happened between us about three times, one of which I was shouting down the phone at him, which just isn’t me. He told my children how much he loved me, I spent time with his children, told me repeatedly he wanted to marry me, but all this other stuff went on.
I am bitter, and slightly traumatised perhaps.
I feel very angry this morning. I want to contact his ex. I’ve had this feeling before, but I know it’s irrational and never have. His ex and his ex before became friends when his ex left him. His ex even five years after she left still hates him, often referring to him as a bully and controlling , he shows me the texts as they are in contact due to their son and are constantly horrendous to each other. However, I feel she might help me make peace, a truly selfish endeavour I know. He also still logs on to his ex’s Facebook as he knows the password.

I just need someone to tell me these irrational thoughts and feelings that completely consume me now and then are part of the process. That it takes a while to move on and stop feeling so angry, sad, abandoned. And that I will be able To remove myself completely without bloody dying .

OP posts:
RitaMad · 05/07/2018 10:24

He also still logs on to his ex’s Facebook as he knows the password.

Err... you need to let his ex know he is doing this.

arranfan · 05/07/2018 10:33

His ex even five years after she left still hates him, often referring to him as a bully and controlling...He also still logs on to his ex’s Facebook as he knows the password.

Imagine that. Shock I have no doubt that Ex's texts might look horrendous. You report that you've ended up "shouting down the phone at him, which just isn’t me". It sounds like he's party to some difficult relationship patterns.

The Ex needs to know that her FB account is accessed like this.

OP, it reads that you know already what is right for you and your future wellbeing. It probably doesn't involve relying on an Ex of your Ex for closure.

I wish you peace of mind and heart.

Wadingthroughshit · 05/07/2018 11:44

thank you for replies. I do know what’s best really, I just can’t seem to see it through.

The Facebook thing. He logs onto the account of his ex before his ex...and because they are friends, he then looks at his ex’s to see his son. This is what he’s told me. I told him it was wrong. He’s 47, he knows better.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 05/07/2018 12:05

Please tell the Ex about him logging onto her facebook account.
It's a good way to strike up the conversation you want with her.

Wadingthroughshit · 05/07/2018 12:46

If I contact his ex he will never talk to me again, and he will claim I’m mad and just a jaded ex??? I’m not sure how to go about it. I’m conflicted, I want to contact to inform of the Facebook thing and to get some closure. But on the other hand, I don’t want to cause or invite drama, and I’m worried about his reaction.
Because I got very ill around Christmas I think he might use that against me. And also, he’s told me half a dozen times that he drove to my house and sat in his car around the corner after we broke up.
Ugh grim, this is ridiculous!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 05/07/2018 13:33

If I contact his ex he will never talk to me again
WIN/WIN for you then surely!?

RitaMad · 05/07/2018 13:38

It sounds like you’re still co-dependent. What is stopping you letting go?

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