I have no idea what to do

[bluesheep]

My husband left me on Sunday morning.

He tells me it's not me, that he still loves me and our children, but that he is struggling and can't be at home. He says that he feels lonely even when he is surrounded by people, that nothing seems to make him happy, and that he dreads coming home. He has been at his mother's ever since. He said he just needs time to get his head sorted.

I feel utterly destroyed, like I've been blasted into a thousand pieces and I have to try and pull them all together just to be able to drag myself out of bed and sort the kids out.

My best friends have been amazing, as have my family, but I just don't know what to do. I know it's only been a few days and I'm still in shock, but it feels like the pain is getting worse.

I think finances should be your main priority. Is he still paying or have you been left with all the bills etc?

So sorry you are going through this

Do you or his mother think he is depressed? He needs to see the GP and get some help (counselling/meds) if he is feeling disassociation. What is his mother's take on it - can you speak to her?

Do you think something else is going on? Has he been behaving strangely/ secretively recently? Started going out with recently divorced friends etc

I know you must be shell shocked but when you are more stable try and get your hands on copies all the financials for your house, assets etc. If you rely on tax credits then update them and the council so you can get any extra single payments/discounts. Be very kind to yourself - cut yourself a lot of slack and practice self care. It's such a crap situation. Was it totally out of the blue?

Just to agree with PP - DP needs to see a GP if this account is true. He needs to come clean if the explanation he's given is not the full one.

In the interim, yes, it's important to sort the finances.

Maybe approach DP's mother about access to the children and similar issues if you need child care? Just because her son feels like this doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't want to see her GC.

His mother is useless, as are his brothers. His father died of alcoholism years ago. Only his sister has any sense, so she was one of the first people I rang on Sunday. She has spoken to him a couple of times, and she's convinced he had depression to. She's been trying to convince him to seek help.

He had seemed quiet for a couple of weeks, but I had just put it down to the fact he's been suffering with back pain and he always gets silent and moody when he's ill.

I feel like I'm tearing myself in half - half of me convinced that this is a depressive breakdown and he'll come back to me when he gets his head straight, the other half trying to figure out how I survive on my own because he's never coming home.

Financially I feel a measure of control. I pay the mortgage, he pays the bills. I have all the paperwork, everything is in joint names (other than a few random bits like Virgin TV). He is shit at all aspects of paperwork, so I have it all organised. If he stops paying the bills I can cover them, but I don't want to believe he would do that to me. I suppose I need to get used to the fact I don't know him though - after 16 years I thought we'd be together forever.

oh I am so sorry OP.

As others have said it sounds like he is depressed and possibly having a breakdown. Hopefully he will be convinced to go see his GP and get some help. Keep speaking to his sister, hopefully between you both he will get the help he needs.

Keep his sister in the loop. Can you offer to go to the GP with him - make the appointment for him etc (or would he let his sister?). It sounds like he may have ongoing issues from his childhood that have come to a head (perhaps now your own DC are of an age when he became aware of his father's issues).