She sent late night text to my DH

[SheldonandPenny]

I don't know if this is the right place to post as I dont very often...DH received a late night text from a woman I don't know. Is there a time by which it's a bit much to text someone's DH? We were sitting watching tv at 10:45pm which is precious time for us. DH teaches a sports club for parents and their older children/teens. He gets home at 8:30pm and she waited to text him until 10:45pm to check he was ok with something she did...I have never met her. DC and DH say she's really nice. She took our dc out last week with DH's agreement. I was surprised. There's been a large supply of gifts of home baked goods recently on a couple of occasions for DH. He sees it as just this. I trust him. Her behaviour feels a touch uncomfortable though. It could be just her friendliness/loneliness but it feels odd or stealth poaching at worst. Shes more than 10 years younger than DH and married with dcs. DH's view is that she was probably caught up with dcs until then. Views?

She could be like some posters on MN who get themselves into a right tangle and have to screw up the courage to ask about something
Oh, yes to this one! It could be me! I could be nervous about something I did or said earlier and then would finally pick up courage to send txt/email.
And I will be very nice with my child’s club leader. And I was guilty of bringing baked goods as the end of the year thank you and for Christmas a few times. My DC had additional needs so usually she needs more attention at the clubs and some leaders are especially fab with her so I’m very grateful.

or the message could have been delayed? would you have been as upset if a man sent the text?

I text people all times of day and night, whenever it's convenient for me, or whenever I remember to send a message that I've been intending to send.

My view is - they can reply whenever it's best for them, I'm not expecting an instant reply, if they don't want to see it, then don't look at your phone or ignore until later...

If your time in the evening is that precious, perhaps put phones away during that time? Not unusual for me to be texting male friends past midnight. If it was something untoward, I'd do it at work, not in front of my OH!!

My mum just received a text I sent at 09:30 yesterday. It could have been delayed. Also its very difficult to say whether it was dubious or not when you haven't said what the content was.

Context is everything, OP.
What did it say?

Doesn't matter about the time. Depends on the message.

I will message people at any hour of the day. The social norms of phone calls do not apply to texts. If people don't want to respond to a text, they are under no obligation to, and they can put their phone to silent at any time.

I love to bake and hand out the stuff to all my colleagues to take home (because I'm already too fat to eat the lot). I give them to all and at the same time, so men and women alike. It never occurred to me till reading this thread that someones wife might have a problem with this and view it as a special treat for one colleague...

I never knew there was a cut off time for texts. Surely the point of texts is that they can sit there unread if the person is otherwise occupied - unlike a phone call. I wouldn't think twice about sending the dc's cub leader or swim coach a late night text.

I think the timing is fine. In fact all the things you mention are fine in isolation but when taken all together start to build up a picture. I'd just keep an eye of things, OP.

As the DW of a sports coach, if I got my knickers in a twist every time he got a late night text, a box of eggs or Home made baked goods from a client I’d have been in my grave years ago. After almost 30 years together, I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times people have acted inappropriately.

As EveningHare says, would you be as annoyed if it was a man texting at night? Not every woman is trying to steal your husband, sometimes it really just is a parent contacting their DCs teacher.

What's rather bemusing is this territorial like stance a lot of women take when they feel that another woman is a threat and could 'steal' her partner. Husbands, wives, partners, boyfriends and girlfriends etc can NOT be stolen.

The whole point of texts is that they are not necessarily an 'immediate' communication. My phone only works if I leave it on a specific windowsill. If I have it with me it does not pick up messages but I get a flurry when I put it down. Can be anytime from the last 10 hours or so.
What is with all this 'possessiveness' anyway, can't a man or woman talk to anyone without it being regarded as 'suspicious'? It smacks of the way women are treated in some countries where they have to stay at home and not be seen with a man other than a relative.

If my dp could be "stolen" I'd hand him over. Because he would not be a person I would want to spend my life with.

I wouldn't text at that time unless it was urgent Or know the person very well and they are either still awake or they switch their phones off at night.

It's very strange to give him baked goods unless you've baked too much and are handing them out or for the kids. I've sometimes given parents some buns when they've come to pick their kids up from a playdate and sometimes it's been the fathers. But it wasn't for them but for whoever wanted to eat it in their family.

I have one close male friend who I message and who messages me at literally any time of the day. We both have a love of cake and will give each other cake or other sweet treats all the time. In fact, I sent round some cake for him yesterday.

These events on their own mean nothing about your husband's fidelity or the woman's intentions, just as my friendship with the man mentioned above is just that; a friendship.

Hope that helps.

I’d love a friend who gave me baked goods. I make cakes for people sometimes but I don’t think a friend has ever made me one

One friend does sometimes make me v nice scones though. I’m certain she isn’t making a play for me, she’s just generous and good at baking.

But yes, the message is the thing. If it said “what time is the thingy tomorrow “ or “thanks for helping with x” then there isn’t an issue at all imo. If it was a YouTube link to George Michael singing “ I want your sex” then you can safely assume she fancies him. Although even then, isn’t it rather cheering to be fancied by someone ?

One of DP’s colleagues has done this. She once drunk texted him at about 2AM saying she was ‘worried about him’ (he had been off work due to me miscarrying and almost dying...) and that she ‘cared about him’ amongst other things and she ended it with heart emojis and kisses. I was in a shit place at the time, obviously and I absolutely hit the roof. She has since bought him little tacky gifts for absolutely no reason, in fact I posted about one she gave him the other week. She is older than him, childless, not married and I think she is just a bit lonely so I feel sorry for her in ways. I do think she means some slight malice as I believe she has a crush on him but she doesn’t threaten me in any way and DP never replies to her texts and always throws her gifts away.

It all depends on the context of the text. If it just seems like a general enquiry, something that may have been bugging her before going to sleep for example then I wouldn’t worry about it. I would also be curious as to his response. The baked goods is a bit weird but does she only specifically do it for him or for others too? It’s possible she has a crush but if you trust your DH, you have nothing to worry about.

I have my phone up for a regular sleep mode and only my favourites will get through at that time unless I’m on my phone when it’ll just vibrate.

I have the 9pm cut off time too and won’t ring before 10am. However if I see someone is on social media I will message later.

So re times of texting - I work, have kids and study so by the time all my plates have stopped spinning it's usually around 10:30 and sometimes I will remember I need to tell someone/ask them something so will send a text there and then before my sieve-like memory loses it again. If I'm perfectly honest, I expect people who don't like to be disturbed by evening texts to have their phones on some sort of do not disturb setting if they haven't explicitly told me not to text after X time (which of course I respect). I'm very close friends with a male work colleague. We sit next to each other, have worked together for 6 plus years, his kids are older than mine and he brings stuff they've grown out of etc for mine. I know he likes haribo sweeties so will pick some up for him on my lunch break if I'm at the shops, sometimes if the kids and I have baked and there's stuff left over from when the family have all had at it, I'll take it in for him. He helped me choose a new phone for DHs 40th as am a techno-dunce. The thought that I might be trying to "steal" him with that behaviour is both laughable and really depressing. We are really good mates and think very highly of one another, but as just that - mates. I would probably text him re something work related at that time of night. Interestingly though, I don't think I would text something non-work based that late (unless it were in our group chat with our other colleagues) as that would feel mildly intrusive.

This thread is pointless without knowing what the message said 🙄

I'm not convinced we'll hear any more tbf