Cheated on and confused. Need help please.

[Gasparova]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4 years. Both of us expressed that our relationship was from beginning exclusive and committed.

My husband’s work get him a lot of opportunity to be in contact with many women co-workers every day via e-mail and phone. For years before he met me he would flirt with these women, and if that was accepted and encouraged he would proceed to sexting and eventually to casual sex relationships. Many times more than one woman at the time. Always being upfront with them that he is not interested in relationship and when some of them wanted more, he would break up with them and found another one. Dream bachelor life.

Two years ago I found out that he kept this habit all the time we were together but without physical sex. Just flirting and sexting. He also kept in touch with several of his exes all those years by e-mail and phone. Talking about everything from simple “how are you” to sexting.
Honestly, my first reaction was: Is this cheating? Should I get upset? But after first shock went away I saw it was cheating and I did get upset and felt hugely betrayed. He was sorry like never before. He promised never do it again and I decided to give him second chance. He is good husband and I had good life with him.

Two weeks ago I found out he keeps sexting with work women. And my world is broken.
He is very sorry again and promising to stop again. He keeps sexting because it gives him thrill and attention. He claims it has nothing to do with me. He keeps this part of his personality secret. Everybody knows him as great guy who would never cheat on me. He seems to be happy to be married to me and does not want to lose it.
It might be addiction He does not like to admit, that he does not have control over it, yet he is considering counselling.

Why do I want to stay with him? I will be alone at the age of 42, I will lose our house, I will lose opportunity to have kids, I will lose my job and I will lose good husband (if I can forget cheating part). If it is addiction, I should stay and help him.

If I stay, I feel like I will lose my dignity and self-respect because it will show him he can keep doing it and will keep doing it. I know 100% that he will do it again.

Situation is even more problematic by the facts that we work together and I have to talk or e-mail same women… not knowing who was he sexting with and if they know I am his wife (maybe laughing at me or feeling sorry for me).
And we are trying to have baby via IVF. How crazy it is to bring baby in this relationship. My husband thinks baby will help us to be family.

Is he using me or am exaggerating relatively innocent thing? Help please… I cannot see this clearly.

I'm sorry OP but that would be a deal breaker for me. He's doing it with people you work and are in contact with. That's even more disrespectful. LTB

He cheated then lied and cheated again and will continue to cheat if you stay with him and have a baby only difference will be you'll feel.even more stuck with a baby and will have to continue some sort of relationship with him til the baby is 18 ish. A cheating husband is not a good husband.eveey day you'll be wondering Who he's setting, when he's doing it, There'll be no trust, there is no commitment, he has no respect for you, please have some for yourself and get out of this one way relationship

I would have a baby and then split up with him. I wouldn't forgo my chances of having children because he's a cheat.

I know a guy like this, I only found out for sure when he told me about an affair he was having- he only told me for damage limitation purposes, after he suspected OR had to of me, and he wanted to check I wasn't going to Tell his partner.
It became very clear that he had had multiple liaisons over many years, and that he saw them as entirely separate from his partner, and in his eyes it didn't affect how he felt about her, and he certainly still respected he r. It was a sort of addiction, I suppose, and definitely a part of who he was. He was very clear that he thought that his partner was a fantastic woman.
So if you stay, it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love or respect you, it just means he will carr y on sexting/ looking around, and it's a question of whether you can handle that.
If you are desperate to have a baby and already 42, then I can see how it would be tempting to stay and continue trying for a baby, and who could blame you for that.
Do you think he'd be a responsible and reliable father? Could you parent amicably if you separated after you had a baby? Is he financially supportive?

He is very sorry again and promising to stop again
He won't stop.
You know this.
That is why you are posting.
But you deserve so much more than this lying, cheating scumbag and you know it!
You know what to do but it's hard.
Would you consider a child by sperm donor.
You certainly don't want to be linked to this 'man' for the next 20 years so don't have a child with him.
He's vile.

I may be at odds with the opinions of some others but I really feel you can potentially forgive once in the name of saving the relationship, but you forgive again and you're just saying that you accept that behaviour. As someone who cheated in a long-term relationship many years ago (not my husband), I can honestly say that if you are truly sorry and you want the relationship to work, you don't do it again. The feelings of guilt and shame and the pain you caused your partner never really leave you. To do it again after all that says that you just don't value what you have highly enough. I'm really sorry but I don't think he will stop completely, and any decisions you make regarding your future with him have to factor this in as a very real likelihood.

He wants a baby with you so it's harder for you to leave him whilst he will continue to do this. If you're not enough to make him stop then a baby won't be either. And you shouldn't have to have a baby just to get your partner not to cheat

Cheating husband is not a good husband. So true. I kept thinking he was good husband. I was so wrong. Thanks Buggeritimgettingup for making me realize this.

My husband was not keen about having baby or doing IVF but now he knows it is his only chance how to make me stay, which is why he say that baby will be good for us. He would not be best but also not worst father, financially we are at the same level and split expenses 50/50. Because of my age, we are using donor embryos. My eggs are old and donor sperm is not viable option. To separate and then do IVF would be financially too much for me. Plus it wold take at least a year and in my age every month is slashing chances more and more.

Baby is my biggest loss in this situation. I am so desperate to have it after 8 years of trying. I cannot get myself to call clinic and call it off. The day I will have to do it, I will completely lose it. Having baby and then split is hard. Makes me feel guilty. Plus it will be very hard to be alone and single, in a new job, new place and with baby. Most importantly, I wanted family, not just baby. But I am pleasantly surprized that some of you would do it and nobody here judged you. It gives me hope. Thank you for that.

Reason I posted this was to hear that what he did was not a problem and I should stay with him. My heart sunk when I saw your answers.

Like hellsbellsmelonsh said. I know what to do but it is so hard. So incredibly hard. Now I understand women who stay with husband even if they are abused. My heart goes to all of them. Just year ago I was consoling coworker after her husband left her for another woman and she desperately wanted him back. I could not understand why? Now I can.

I feel broken. As if my good husband died and I can never get him back. And I have to abandon life I have and start from scratch. How am I going to do it?

Trying desperately to find reason why to stay but it always hits the roadblock when I realize that he willingly and purposely did things he knew will hurt me.

I talked to lawyer today… just to get basic ideas. He was so cold and focused on facts. I guess I am desperate to see that somebody will give me hug and assurance that he will take care of me and protect me. I need some counselor… hope to get some advice on how to get through everyday life with broken heart. But they are so freaking expensive.

Thank you ladies so much for your support and advice. It feels so good to see that you care about me.