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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What should I do?

15 replies

Scaredycatt · 05/07/2018 00:28

Hello I need some advice. I'm early 30s. Have only ever had one long term relationship which last 7 years and came out of it last year. Never dated before then or since really.

Recently have started seeing someone I've known for about a year. It's been maybe a month or so since we started seeing each other. I only see him maybe once a week. He texts occasionally but I wouldn't say we text a lot or it's that intense.

I feel very vulnerable. I like him a lot which is why at the beginning I went with it. I thought I wanted just a casual thing or a fling (although I didn't say it) but I'm worried now I might be getting in too deep. I can't really tell how he feels. At the beginning he seemed to be into me but I'm just not sure anymore whether he feels that way.

With my ex partner we saw each other a lot right from the start and I felt very secure with him. With this I feel very insecure but I don't know if maybe it was unusual what I had before - seeing someone all the time beginning - and that this is more normal.

and please tell me how do I get a grip on my emotions? I'm so worried that I'm going to become very obsessive or just end up getting really hurt. I think I need to keep it casual still on my part so how do I stop myself becoming too attached too quickly.

OP posts:
notfeelingit1 · 05/07/2018 00:33

How old is he does he have kids etc l? Baggage?

Scaredycatt · 05/07/2018 00:38

He's the same age as me.

He's only the second person I've slept with and for me the sexual chemistry is immense. I know he's been with a lot of girls. I think I just would like to see him more but I don't necessarily get that impression but is it just me? It's only been four weeks.

OP posts:
Scaredycatt · 05/07/2018 00:39

No kids on his or my part.

OP posts:
Scaredycatt · 05/07/2018 06:53

Bump

OP posts:
WasFatNowThin · 05/07/2018 09:09

Well, the only way you're going to find out is to talk to him, ask him if it's just a casual thing or something more.

Scaredycatt · 05/07/2018 10:31

is it not a bit full on to ask that after a month or so when we've only met up a handful of times?

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Ta77Blonde · 05/07/2018 10:34

A male friend of mine told me that when a girl asks after a few weeks where this is going he runs. Relax, youre use to being in a long term relationship, so trying to conform to old routines. Take your time, Don't commit until he does to you. Enjoy this period as once your there your there. Read The Rules...

mummyretired · 05/07/2018 10:46

It's a month so you've seen him perhaps four times? Yes, it's too full on to ask where things are going and very early for things to get intense, you're still getting to know each other.

If you normally meet up at the weekend, perhaps suggest a date during the week doing something different? Be specific, e.g. "shall we see x film on Wednesday".

WasFatNowThin · 05/07/2018 10:58

I'd still ask, it's not as if you're asking him to marry you.

Scaredycatt · 05/07/2018 11:12

Yes, it's good advice. I feel it's a bit full on.

I feel like this is also a problem with myself - I become invested and obsessive really fast. How can I stop? I'm terrible at distracting myself. I think I also find myself very attracted to him whereas he seems to have a lot more self control and won't always stay over if we meet up if he has to be up early whereas I would.

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Ta77Blonde · 05/07/2018 11:20

WasFatNowThin - to the man it feels like a proposal - hence the running away..

Ta77Blonde · 05/07/2018 11:22

When I got divorced in 2009 I met a guy I really really fancied and dated, because I was so use to the life style and routine of marriage I scared the hell out of him and he ran a million miles.

Im so mortified at how arrogant I was, dating for the first time and expecting it to be like it was before with my husband
Im so embarrassed that I often think that I will apologise to that guy if I ever see him again!
He must have thought I was a complete nutter! lol

forbiddenfruitcrumble · 05/07/2018 11:30

But what do you know? Is he seeing other women? Does he think you're seeing other men?

I am old so have had a very different experience of dating, but I met now DH 10 years ago internet dating and after a couple of evenings out I said I wouldn't sleep with him again on any basis other than absolutely exclusive but that we could carry on seeing other more casually.

I feel it is your right to know if you are exclusive and at least heading towards a relationship if that's what you want.

Maybe to some men it would feel like a proposal and make them run, but I can't help but think, unless things have changed radically, that a decent man would have an honest conversation.

Trinity66 · 05/07/2018 11:41

A male friend of mine told me that when a girl asks after a few weeks where this is going he runs.

That's one guys opinion, personally, in my experiences if a guy is in to you, he'll want to see you alot, more than once a week and text more than occasionally and he won't run if you talk about where your headed, if he's not that into you and you talk about it, he'll run

Scaredycatt · 05/07/2018 13:33

I think he is still on tinder. He doesn't think I'm exclusive either as I told him
I went speed dating last week.

I feel it is too soon to ask him the where are we going question. We've effectively met up four times. I think I just feel a bit confused because on the one hand he doesn't seem too fussed about spending every spare moment with me but then he does send occasional messages saying he misses me and I make him smile.

I suppose what I really want advice on is how do you internally slow your own emotions down so you don't become too obsessed and involved too quickly.

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