Can’t get biological dad out of my head

[Makehaywhilethesunshines]

So when I was a toddler my dad left. About ten years ago my brother got in contact with him as he had always sought that biological connection. I didnt share this view and still have no desire to ever reach out or have any kind of relationship with him.

It all went tits up with my brother and him, as shock horror, he didnt turn out to be everything my brother had dreamt of. My brother always brings him up in conversation (we only speak every few months though) and I find it very emotionally draining whenever we do talk. I find my feelings about it confusing - i have no interest in ever talking to our ‘dad’ and if he were ever to get in connect (seems unlikely now though) i doubt I would want to reply but I just cannot get him out of my head. It’s like I dont know what I need to put it all to rest in my mind. I’ve spoken about it to my counsellor but I just have found that recently it keeps appearing in my thoughts and i dont understand why really. I’m thirty. This has been the situation for 28 years now so i’d like to be able to ‘get over it’ by now!

*in contact (not connect)!

Could it be you have "unfinished business" with him I.e. want an opportunity to tell him how you feel about him etc? or are the thoughts more curiosity towards him?

It’s more curiosity I suppose. I dont really have specific feelings towards him one way or another. I also dont see what talking to him would achieve really. Judging from when he met my brother it would just be excuses and blaming other people for his behaviour which just doesnt interest me.
I just dont understand how a person can have children then just walk away. He has more now and is a very active dad by the sounds of it. I have kids so I suppose since having them I understand even less how he could do it.

I know how you feel. My dad left when I was a toddler and said clearly that he didn't want to see me anymore. Went on to have more kids who he had a proper father relationship with. That bit annoys me but actually I have zero interest, especially since I've had kids of my own, I don't want to know a man who has such low morals and I wouldn't put my mum through it. She worked so hard a single parent and went through struggles parenting me on her own, I wouldn't disregard that by having anything to do with him.

I think it’s because you are a mother now . So the whole parent issue is a very prevalalant one

And yes maybe unfinished business ?

I was going to say what @

@stopfuckingshoutingatme said..

Unfinished business - you perhaps needs some sort of closure.

That’s what I dont understand though - how to do I get closure?! I don’t want to contact him. I know his reasons for what he did already. Regardless of if I wanted to my mum would struggle if I contacted him anyway which would cause unecessary issues.

What do you mean your mum would struggle? It's up to you if you want to meet him. Was he abusive to her?
It's a sad situation and you don't seem to have any illusions that you're suddenly going to have a great relationship with him, but i think your feelings come before your mums in this.
How do you know he's a good dad to his other children?

Sorry, you said he's a more active dad now; that's why I asked that.

A more active dad in that he is with their mum, they live together, have a typical parent, child relationship. I obviously dont know details though, he might be rubbish really but i just mean he is actively their dad on a day to day basis.

He wasnt abusive just had lots of affairs. My mum wouldnt like it because she’s raised us on her own with no help or support from him. But as I said I don’t want to meet/talk to him it just would complicate things should I ever change my mind. But yes my feelings are important I just dont really know what I want from the situation in order to resolve it. I feel a bit like it’s just a crap situation, he left for his reasons and whilst i might not understand them it is what it is. I just wish that was enough for me not to think about it.

You know the reasons why he wasn't there but you know them secondhand, maybe what you do need is to meet the man and see how he says it (tone, look, emotion). You could even be grieving for what you never had, the idea of him rather than the reality of him. I think you might view him differently now you are adult and are a parent, not only with how could he do it but the understanding that a raising a family is blooming hard work/that relationships don't all last etc. I think it would offer you something just to meet him, to get it out of your system. I would not tell your mum as this is something for you, you shouldn't feel you can't do what you need because it is not what your mum needs.

Write everything you want to in a letter and then burn/shred it?

The letter thing is a good idea. I dont have a clue what i’d even say though.
Maybe in time i’ll change my mind about meeting him. I just feel right now it’s not right but who knows. Thank you for all your thoughts.