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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex Partner Being Unreasonable or Me?

14 replies

hevs03 · 04/07/2018 20:03

My husband and I are separated but he has moved back into the family home, he had been staying at a friends. Things have been reasonably amicable, but he brought up something earlier and it's playing on my mind as I honestly don't know if he's being unreasonable or whether he has a point?
Last year my grandmother gifted me £10K, this is the amount she was leaving in her will to me, but she wanted me to have it now as she wanted to see my enjoy it. I opted to buy a car and I part-exchanged my old car as part of the deal. At the time my husband and I were virtually separated, one of the reasons the marriage has ended is because he goes out on a Friday and doesn't come back home till a Sunday or Monday and after years of this I finally had enough. There were other issues such as him not working consistently, not contributing financially (over a year he paid £1000 towards all the bills) and his inability to just be a grown up. When I decided to purchase the car using the money my Grandmother had given me, he asked me for my old car, it was in great condition and I knew I would get a good price for it part-exchanging it which meant I could get a slightly better newer car. I therefore said no to him as he was hardly living with me and our daughter, by this stage he hadn't contributed financially for over a year and any money he earned he spent on himself. His own car had previously been impounded by the police as he was driving without insurance (he failed to tell me he had got behind with the direct debit), I paid £1000 in police fines, impound fees and insurance fees to get his car back. He then had another debt, this resulted in a bailiff coming to the house to take stuff away, I coughed up £400 for that , he paid me that back last month. He then failed to pay his road tax on the car and ignored letters about it, so it went to court and he was fined, he has never paid the fine, I'm paying it in instalments to stop another bailiff coming to the house. His car blew up and couldn't be fixed, he has since had to rely on workmates to take him to work, when he decides to go. When my Grandmother gifted me the money she asked me not to give my husband the car, she likes him but she can see what he is like. So for once I was I guess a little bit selfish, I did think about giving him the car, and to be fair he did say he would buy it off me, but he didn't have the money at the time and I wasn't sure I would ever get it. This evening he brought it up and told me I was out of order and I should have given him my old car and as a result got myself a cheaper car with the money I had.
Was I wrong ?

OP posts:
Angrybird345 · 04/07/2018 20:08

Not at all. He’s a selfish git.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 04/07/2018 20:10

No.

redexpat · 04/07/2018 20:11

No you were not. He meeds to grow up and take some responsibility for himself.

Daisymay2 · 04/07/2018 20:13

Nope!
Why are you still paying his debts. I think there may be a way to financially dis-associate from him if you are separated

Singlenotsingle · 04/07/2018 20:14

What a selfish, entitled fool! Shock He's a bloodsucker! The sooner you get rid, the better.

sprinklesandsauce · 04/07/2018 20:17

No, you weren’t wrong. You need to stop paying his debts, draw up a separation agreement (or whatever it’s called) and financially disassociate yourself from him.

He will never help himself while you keep on bailing him out.

hevs03 · 04/07/2018 20:20

Thank you, I really appreciate the feedback, I'm only paying the fine debt as I know if I don't a bailiff will come to the house. He is still living here as he genuinely has no where else to go, his family live a few hundred miles away and for daughter's sake I wouldn't want him to move back there as she would never see him. I will look into the disassociation thing, thanks. It was just weird him bringing it up several months down the line, although it was after I told him he was lazy for not lifting a finger around the house. I would really like him to move out but he's useless with money and therefore has no savings that would enable him to rent a place, he often says half the house is his, which is fine, except he doesn't treat it like a home and pays sod all ! I don't want to sell the house as I'd not get a mortgage on my own and renting a house nearby would take a really large chunk of my wages in fact I'd be really struggling each month and I know I wouldn't be able to rely on him for maintenance money. Its a mess really and sad as we were together for 20 years and he can be a lovely guy and a great Dad, but his selfishness has overtaken everything and I guess I feel that I am being financially blackmailed in way if that makes sense ? Oh for a magic wand !

OP posts:
Notevilstepmother · 04/07/2018 20:23

No, and the fact you have let him back in and you have to ask worries me for you. For now you could just tell him it was given to you by your grandmother on condition you part ex your old car.

Why the actual fuck is this leech living in your home? Please get him out before he can manipulate you further. He is financially abusive and I wouldn’t be surprised if he is emotionally abusive too. Flowers

Notevilstepmother · 04/07/2018 20:27

Bingo.

after I told him he was lazy for not lifting a finger around the house.

He is trying to shift the blame for his behaviour to you. You did nothing wrong.

Notevilstepmother · 04/07/2018 20:29

To be blunt your daughter would be better off only seeing him occasionally than growing up seeing the way he treats you as normal. Send him back to his family. He isn’t your problem.

NotTheFordType · 04/07/2018 20:29

Do you have a solicitor yet? You need one. You need to disentangle your finances as swiftly as possible. Stop paying his fine. If the bailiffs come, so be it. They can't take anything that you can claim as yours.

You will almost certainly have to sell the house and take the hit on rent. How much equity do you have?

hevs03 · 04/07/2018 21:02

Thanks, I will make an appointment with a solicitor I have some time off coming up so will do it for then. House wise I do have a bit of equity in the house, I have a £45K mortgage and the house is worth roughly £170K, though there are debts thanks to him. I'm going to see a financial advisor as well, so hopefully will get some sound advice. I do wonder if daughter would be better off seeing him not as often as like someone posted, it's not right she see's how things are now although I try to protect her, she's not daft. I would hate however for her not to have a relationship with her dad and I know he loves her so much, but yes I know there's more to being a dad than just loving a child. It's difficult, and not a situation I wanted to be in, I've tried so hard to make things work and I will always care for him but I know it's not enough and I don't want to end up hating him though right now I could gladly chop his goolies off.

OP posts:
sprinklesandsauce · 04/07/2018 22:52

The starting point on the house would be 50/50, hopefully you might get a bigger share if you are the main carer. You could ask that any equity he is due is delayed til your DC is 18. Then at that point you buy him out or sell up. Go and see a financial advisor to see how much you could borrow and if you could remortgage in your own name and pay him off some now. He might walk away with less if it was instant.

There are lots of options so you really do need good legal advice to find out what they are.

Whatever you agree to, make sure it is set in stone legally.

Daddystepdaddy · 05/07/2018 06:26

You need to get this guy out of your house asap as well OP.

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