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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Calling all none resident parents

11 replies

Whatiwishfor · 04/07/2018 19:59

I have 2 young children they spend a fair amount of time with their father, but he takes very little responsibility for their lives. He has and continues to be very difficult and the relationship between us is dreadful (domestic abuse) from him side, which he doesn't acknowledge. Any how it really upsets me the lack of interest he takes in their lives. He wont do their homework, rarely baths them, often doesn't change their clothes or underwear. Doenst attend school events or have an interest in any medical appointment. Wont take them to birthday parties or take them to see his family so they can see their granny. The list goes on and on and on.

Now i know it must be hard if you dont live with your children and it must be easy to be come detached but hes given every opportunity to be move involved but hes just odd about it all. I thought things would become better when he sew less off me (now picks up and drops at school). Was hoping he could concentrate more on the children but it appears that nothing has changed. Their beautiful children and i know there will start to notice when they get older that mummy plays the parenting caring role and well daddy doesn't.
Does the none residing parent often act this way??

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 04/07/2018 20:14

Only the twats. But you knew he was one of them already.

siblingrevelryagain · 04/07/2018 20:18

My ex doesn’t; cheated on me so not my favourite person, but to give credit where due he’s still a great Dad; attends parents evenings/school plays etc with me, rakes care of them almost the same as I do (sun cream, healthy food, good sleep etc).

Your experience mightn’t be rare, but I don’t think it’s typical. In my case my ex was a good man who did a bad thing, it didn’t stop him being a good dad

Whatiwishfor · 04/07/2018 20:27

Thingsdogetbetter ha ha short and sweet1 ha ha

Siblingrevelryagain Thats what i thought, makes me so so sad it really does. Just want the best for our children. People say "well at least he sees them" But im not sure thats the point, hes meant to be their father and also be a roll model. To make it worse i can not discuss anything with him and i mean anything. He does totally and utterly exactly what he wants, with help from his girlfriend. I also though him having a girlfriend would make it better as shes a mother herself. But no things are even worse!! Im pretty sure neither of them have a coat at his house well not one that fits. He drops them to school with out suncream lotion on even in this heat. Honestly the list is endless, i feel as if im the only one actually parenting, and on top of that i have to constantly pick the slack up from him. Eg drop sun cream lotion into school, feed them when he doesn't give them tea after school, bath them the day before he has them for the weekend. I know this isnt about me but it just makes me so sad their just not cherished.

OP posts:
AlwaysSleepy1 · 04/07/2018 20:28

I don't think it's anything to do with being a non resident parent and more to do with being a selfish twat! I imagine if you think back he wasn't that interested in them when he was with you but as you were there to take care of then you may not have noticed.. they will when they get older and they'll know who cared for them and really loved them- I am step mom to two boys who's mother is unstable, won't see them for a few weeks at a time if she meet a a new bloke etc - she is much better now on the whole but now they're teens the kids bring it up.in rows and dont trust/respect her. In the long run.your kids will be fine despite him as long as they have you.

PookieDo · 04/07/2018 20:29

Mine did at least bath and feed them but all the rest was my job

He even asked me to send toothbrushes in their overnight bag so he didn’t have to get any

It’s called being a selfish idiot t

Whatiwishfor · 04/07/2018 20:34

Always sleepy1
I hope so. Tbh he was over interested in them when we were together. Almost obsessive, he has a very obsessive nature. He thought he was the better parent, he was controlling and manipulative (i didnt see it at the time). But he has moved on and they are no longer his priority. He too stops seeing them when he has something better to be doing.

The whole things sad, children arnt play things, they should come first in life or you shouldn't have had them!!!

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mydaughteristhecoolest · 04/07/2018 21:20

My ex is the same @Whatiwishfor. Doesn't care when DS is ill even if he witnesses it himself. I take DS for contact and he just seems so detached and so uninterested when he sees him when I drop him off it's sad. Then when it's time to pick DS up he has him shoes on by the door ready to go like he can't wait to get rid of him. Like you, I get the 'ah well at least he sees him' no. It's not enough. It would be nice for him to at least act like he cares!!! My list also goes on and on.

Luckily my DS is only 18 months so he doesn't have a clue yet but I'm just waiting for the lightbulb moment in his head when he realises his dad is a twat. It'll be sad but I'll be there for him and pick up the pieces! Thanks

Hellywelly10 · 04/07/2018 21:35

Im sorry op. How much contact does he have? Can it be reduced. Dds dad has become less interested over the years. It suits us fine.

Kingsclerelass · 04/07/2018 21:41

Same here. Ex has changed precisely four nappies, helped with zero homework and the only clothes he bought for ds, he bought size 5 for an 8 yo who was with him at the time.

I no longer expect any kind of intelligent input.

Kingsclerelass · 04/07/2018 21:44

He also bought a sports car without bothering to check if he could put a child seat in. Which he couldn’t.
How can anyone rely on someone that thoughtless?

Whatiwishfor · 04/07/2018 21:50

Its horrible to witness isnt it. I think they have a good time, but hes just not child focused, well he may be some of the time but he carnt maintain in. So my children will enjoy visiting him but i know that they will be left to play with her children. Theres no real quality time and certainly very little for thought put in.
I also worry about how much he tries to condition them into thinking the way he does. He has huge issues regarding diet and my children constantly talk about it. They never come back and say they made anything with daddy or went to the park with him. Hes only interested in doing things with them that he enjoys, if that happens to be what they like thats great but if not tough. No money is ever spent on them. I do wonder if he will jsut stop seeing them, which would be terrible.
In an ideal world i would talk to him about all of this but he hasnt spoken to me for over a year and any written communication consists of him being abusive or his new thing is writing a poem as a response!! he is truely the oddest person i have ever ever met.

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