helping an ex

[jumblefun2]

I didn't know where to put this - life limiting illness or here. But life limiting illness seems too final.

I also don't even know what I want from this post I think I just need to say it because I'm shocked and devastated and haven't stopped crying and I'm so bloody angry.

I've typed war and peace about 23 times in an attempt to get it all down without drip feeding but in a nutshell an ex with whom it ended well and who I am still friends with is heading for life threatening surgery and he's scared and needs help. We do emotionally support each other still - he's largely responsible for getting me where I am and I love him to the moon and back but not romantically now, just as a very very dear friend.

But another thread has made me doubt myself. Should I help or should I walk away?

It's bloody awful and not fair and he's dying and the world will be a sadder duller less sunshine place without him in it. And I'm devastated.

If he is your friend, why wouldn't you help? I don't think the fact that he is your ex is relevant unless one of you still harbours romantic feelings. What makes you think you should walk away?

What was the thread that made you doubt yourself?

Oh there is no romantic feelings. Just another thread here made me doubt myself.

I'm gutted and the thought of him not being on the end of a phone or to text (we live a few hundred miles apart - tis why we broke up) is making me cry.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3296863-To-expect-partner-to-break-off-all-contact-with-any-and-all-exs

It was this one.

I just found out today and my head is all over the place. Sorry. i know I'm not making much sense and I have a stupid work awards dinner to go to tonight and I should be in the shower and getting ready.

Do everything you can to help put your friend. The fact they're an ex is immaterial in my eyes

Have you spoken to your partner about it? How do they feel, are they supportive of your intentions to help etc?

I'm sorry to hear about your Ex's illness. My parents divorced and Mum moved away - like you, the romantic feelings had been replaced with friendship. She came back and nursed Dad when he was very ill and I know she was glad she did. Then I separated from my husband and we too, were friends but no more than that. I stayed with him in the hospital when he was dying and I shared this time with his brother - we both needed and appreciated one another's support. Who else is around (family, friends) to offer your Ex - and you - support?

Thanks all - sorry was out at work awards thing and am only in. Things with partner are ropey at the minute not related to this, but he hasn't objected or said anything negative about me doing this.

I think the answer lies somewhere in who else is involved and the impact on them. So will you be the only one supporting your friend or does he have a partner and if so how do they feel about it? What does supporting mean - leaving your home and moving back there short term/long term - and what does that mean for your partner/children/home/work?

The fact that you're an ex is almost irrelevant given there are no romantic feelings other than any knock on effect it might have on others eg if your friend has a partner or kids and you being there is causing them additional stress. Or if you going to support your friend will leave your partner with kids, home or extended time off causes money issues.

As for that other thread - words bloody fail me. That's a world away from belong a friend with a life threatening illness.

He has no partner and all our kids are adults. His "kids" are in his home country - he's an expat and came here to work, we split when he returned home to work for a period of time and he has since come back here for work.

I will be able to support him without leaving work. And it means, well I don't really know. Being there when he has his surgery (a cancer has returned he found it awful the last time and he says he's scared of what it will mean and I've never ever known him say he's scared before and that has shocked me), and being there afterwards for a period of time when he will need extra help - probably a couple of weeks.

Yes, I'd be there for him.
What's stopping you and giving you doubts do you think?

Then I'd be there for him but keep checking with your current DP he's not festering on anything. You say things are ropey at the moment, so this might just tip things over. Now that might be a good thing or a bad thing depending on how you feel about 'ropey' but you don't want things twisted round later on.
I really don't see issues with friendships or support for Ex's if things are kept open and honest, only when things are fudged or hidden, which doesn't sound like your intention at all.

That other thread about keeping contact with exs is what's give me doubts, up to that point I had none at all.

Go with your instinct OP. If it started causing problems with you current partner then you can re think it.

I don’t see anything wrong with this, you ended in good terms, you hold no romantic feelings, you have been friends for ages, why would you not support him when he is ill and away from his family? He is single and thankfully doesn’t have a resentful chronically insecure bitch to his side trying to obliterate any piece of evidence he had a life before they got together.

We have been friends for 25 years and he is an ex of 10 or 11 years ago and we have been friends in the intervening years.