I haven't had sex with dh for over 2 years

[AmyA78]

This probably sounds pretty shocking doesn't it! The last time we had sex was when we conceived our son who is now 18 months. We have a very close loving relationship and everything is great - apart from that we have no intimate relationship at all. We hardly even kiss.

I don't really know why we stopped having sex when I became pregnant I guess I wasn't feeling great and we were having trouble with our eldest son. Then I had severe post natal depression (I'm feeling completely better now). During that time my dh had health problems and is now on meds that he has told me lowers his libido (and I suspect ability to perform...). Just to complicate matters during my depression I came clean to my dh that I was raped when I was younger, this was the first time I have ever talked about it to anyone... because of this I do not like spontaneous sex (I need to get my head around it first) and any dirty talk etc just freaks me out. He's was supportive but we've not spoken about it since and I wonder how this has affected him. What a mess!

I'm so desperate for us to be close again but I just don't know how to get it back. We have talked about it a little bit and he said he still fancies me and we both agree that we want to be intimate again but feel nervous, since then I feel he has distanced himself from me even further. I think he's worried about his ability to perform... sorry for the long winded post. Any advice?

Well in your shoes, I'd try to be very brave and begin to slowly instigate some affection.

That must come first...to feel familiar with touching one another in a friendly/loving manner.

A simple hug or a shoulder rub...just a single shoulder squeeze in passing would be a start.

Then, perhaps try sitting close to him on the sofa for a film...and lean into him.

If these are things you do anyway, then perhaps suggest a massage in bed?

Not shocking at all - extremely common actually! At one point DH and I went six years with no sex after a medication that seemingly surgically removed my sex drive to the point I couldn’t stand to be touched. Not quite sure how we survived that. Since my twins were born nearly two years ago and it’s totally gone again. Hormones have a lot to answer for.

The good news is that you both want to resume things which is the most important thing - speaking from experience it’s awful when sex drive is gone. Try and remove any expectations or pressure and just get used to being intimate again. It doesn’t have to mean sex, it’s very difficult to go from no sex to sex immediately.

I've been here too, think we went 3 years with no sex and very little affection at our worst. I agree with PP's advice about building up intimacy and taking the pressure off, could you suggest that to DH so he knows he doesn't have to worry about performance issues? It will work much better if you're on the same page and both making an effort so talking is vital although I know that can be difficult when there's distance between you. Feel free to ask if there's anything you think I might be able to help with, pm if you prefer. It can be fixed though, it's still a work in progress for us but already a million times better, we're properly close again now

Definitely build up slowly. Just hugs and holding hands whilst watching the tv. Can you ask DH outright if he is having problems getting/ maintaining an erection or will he clam up?

I think your DH will struggle with a direct conversation by erectile dysfunction tbh. Most men would. I think it would be difficult to start with that without him feeling blamed for the current state of your sexual relationship.

Are you trying to instigate intimacy? Might be worth a try. It sounds like you have a lot of (understandable) barriers in place to him instigating or talking about sex (no spontaneous sex or dirty talk). Combining that with his lower libido and potential ED issues it is probably quite tough for him to feel he can start anything at this point.

Not shocking.

DH and I went three years without sex due to his health condition. It changed when he finally bit the bullet and got help for his health issues including his erectile dysfunction.

For my husband and I it’s 6 years. No hugs, no hand holding, nothing.

Was 8 years for STBXH and l. We have now split. However neither of us fancied the other anymore

6 years for me. We split up. Turned out he was gay.

I would try to talk first before instigating intimacy as you may be rejected due to his fears you ae wanting sex out of it and he may recoil, knowing he cant perform with the possible ED. You perhaps dont need to mention ED specifically during the talk, just his libido due to the drugs etc. Let him know you dont want sex but just a hug - its not unreasonable.

(Dont want sex YET/at this point)*

By the sound of it he doesn't know how to ask for sex without a high risk of rejection or of inadvertently distressing you, so he's decided to back off entirely and let you initiate. Which is rational, even if you may not like it. His lowered libido makes this easier. You'll have to be the one to initiate things.

Thank you so much for all your responses. It's good to hear a male perspective on this too. I can see that I have made it pretty much impossible for him to instigate things. So based on all of your advice I think I will talk to him and say that I would like us to be intimate again and suggest we just get close without having sex to take any pressure or expectations off. I can see now that it is me that needs to initiate things. Slowly. Thanks everyone.

Sounds like you both need a frank honest conversation
But as a P.P said start by touching or holding hands. Cuddles. Snuggles on the sofa
Perhaps he could discuss his meds/ fears etc with the gp

It’s a very common situation
But if you love each other it’s worth it