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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Heartbroken

17 replies

unpleasantlynumb · 04/07/2018 12:43

Hello, I'm new to all this Mumsnet malarkey, but have very few people I can confide in in real life. I've just endured he most weird surreal experience of my life and I'm reeling from it.

Three months ago I embarked on a new relationship with a man who relentlessly pursued me right from the start... it was so intense and intoxicating and I felt thoroughly romanced. I had no reason to suspect our relationship was not exclusive.

I noticed he regularly dropped another woman's name into conversation; referring to her as a friend. My intuition got the better of me and on quizzing him, he confessed it was someone he's been involved with, on-off, for about 40 years. However, he promised me exclusivity and said he'd let her down gently.

Our relationship continued to develop and I felt we were falling for each other. I continued to enjoy the romance. Just last Saturday he sent me a postcard declaring "I am yours". However, today, I've learnt that he's meeting up with her to spend a few days in a boutique hotel and figure out what to do with his future and who to spend it with.

We've not been together very long, but nevertheness I'm heartbroken. Please tell me I've had a lucky escape. I objectively know it, but I'm reeling in despair.

OP posts:
AngelicDarkness · 04/07/2018 12:52

Just been through similar.
It hurts and it's hard but how could you be with someone who shows you so little respect? You deserve better than being a maybe.

Original poster
unpleasantlynumb · 09/07/2018 12:14

Sorry for the delay in replying Angelic, and thank you for your kind words. I hope we can both heal from this.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/07/2018 12:28

You have definitely had a lucky escape! Imagine years and years of this, with him and this other woman both forcing you to do the 'pick me' dance all the time.

It's a shoddy way of treating someone you're supposed to care about.

It's like ripping off a plaster - yes, it does hurt now but you will get over this. Can you plan a girlie night out or plan something else to look forward to? Hope you feel better soon. It's his loss. Flowers

Original poster
unpleasantlynumb · 09/07/2018 12:50

Thanks so much GreenFingers… update after his meet up with this other woman (or maybe I was the OW, unbeknownst to me?) is he's moving 160 miles away to be with her... "it's been 40 years in the making, I have no choice, she's called my bluff".

Apparently she has some kind of hold over him that he can't ignore and she needs him now, and he has to go to her. She was v jealous when she learnt of me, demanded he drop me, and so he has. He told me he has Asperger's and this is why he's capable of loving two women at the same time. I know I have got off lightly, but I just can't disconnect from the way he romanced and devoted himself to me in those heady, intense first weeks!

OP posts:
itbemay · 09/07/2018 12:54

Sounds like you dodged a bullet! Flowers

Original poster
unpleasantlynumb · 09/07/2018 12:59

Thanks, rationally I know I have... but it still hurts I've been rejected. Better than being the OW I guess.

OP posts:
cakecakecheese · 09/07/2018 13:09

It sounds like lovebombing and I would not be at all surprised if he does it to someone else pretty soon.

Original poster
unpleasantlynumb · 09/07/2018 13:33

Thanks cakecake. I feel pretty stupid to have been taken in by it all. What a ridiculous situation I've been in. Yet it still hurts and I miss it all.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/07/2018 13:35

He told me he has Asperger's and this is why he's capable of loving two women at the same time.

What a twat! Now I've heard them all.That makes no sense whatsoever. Having Asperger's is not an excuse to be a two-timing shitbag.

Keep your head half high, OP.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/07/2018 13:35

*Held high, not half high! Grin

Namethecat · 09/07/2018 13:42

Yes - sorry to say he has been taking you for a ride ( for want of a better word). He excuses are laughable. Don't be gullible and accept his reasoning for him choosing her. Realise he's done you a massive favour and you deserve better. Block him from all your social media including phone .

ShackUp · 09/07/2018 14:13

The showing you with affection thing is lovebombing, google it. It means he's not for real OPThanks

ShackUp · 09/07/2018 14:13

*showering

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 09/07/2018 14:20

You’ve definitely dodged a bullet but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less or minimises what he’s put you through. You’ll be ok in time but I really feel for you right now. Hope you’re ok FlowersWine

Original poster
unpleasantlynumb · 09/07/2018 14:40

Gosh, thank you everybody, I'm feeling better with some resolve to put him behind me now, rather than feeling crumpled and hurt. I actually do deserve better than what he gave me, and lovebombing matches his behaviour.

Annoyed by the convincing act he put on, and that I fell for it. He tells me I was the catalyst for this other woman to realise she needed to up the ante and claim him as her own. And he says he's grateful to me, otherwise he wouldn't have her now! It's just perverse. I need to remember all the incidents that made me feel angry and abused, not the romantic gestures that came thick and fast.

Thanks again, everyone, for taking time to read and reply, it's much appreciated.

OP posts:
Namethecat · 09/07/2018 17:21

Also add he's full of bullshit.

Knittedfairies · 09/07/2018 17:28

Yeah; full of it.

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