Co-dependent mother, anyone?

[pearfect]

In the last week I have been reading about co-dependent parents and I have made the discovery that I am in one of those relationships with my mother.

I just wondered if anyone would like to share experiences or tips and advise of dealing with this situation. I live with my mother and my child (circumstances mean it has to be this way although I am thinking I must really change this) and everything is tickety-boo as long as I do as I'm told. Recently I decided I didn't want to do as I was told and now the shit has hit the fan. She went ape at me and now I am getting the silent treatment and martyrdom (after all I do for you THIS is how you treat me!)

Please help. I am in turmoil. I am used to pleasing my mum and making her happy, protecting her etc.

It's like a lightbulb moment when you realise you're co-dependent, isn't it?

Did you have a dysfunctional childhood? My dad was an abusive alcoholic and because of this I was programmed by my parents to be a people pleaser.

You've made a massive first step - you've set a boundary for yourself! Well done. You are right to do so as you see fit, you're an adult. Your mum doesn't like the fact that you've set a boundary, she's going to make a huge fuss so that it deters you from setting any more boundaries.

It's going to be really hard, but stay strong. Living with her isn't ideal, can you make plans to move out?

This is a very tricky situation because you’ve relied on her for support with your child. It’s going to be impossible to have a “normal” relationship with her while you live under her roof. It’s her house and her rules (unless you are paying her rent/mortgage?) so before you can work to establish normality within your relationship, you need to physically separate from her. It’s really that simple I’m afraid. I speak from experience seeing a close family member go through this for the last 20 years. It will mean compromising on your standard of living. Having to pay your own bills and do all the housework/childcare yourself and move away from relying on her. Why are you living with her now? Do you have the finances to move into your own place?

Thanks both

Yes a total lightbulb moment and yes I had a dysfunctional childhood. I became the sort of rescuer of my mum I guess. My mum overshared stuff with me, things a parent shouldn't tell a child (I realise now). My father was a violent and emotionally abusive man and I took on the position of "the strong one".

I pay more than half the rent at my mums. She could not afford it without me. Also if I move out she will "be lonely" - I can barely spend the weekend away without feeling guilty because shes been alone.

I could move out, I have opportunity to do so, and I am thinking about it. But I am terrified of uprooting my DC, who absolutely adores grandma and his school. I can't afford to live in the area, I'd have to move far out and would feel isolated. Also this home is my security blanket because its a housing scheme flat and would be left to me in the event of her death (but I would need to be living there)

Maybe I depend on her as much as she does me. Maybe I am making excuses.

anyone else? x

Yep similar issues with my mum. It’s super hard to deal with and unlikely they can see what they are doing and will resist any change violently. My mums favourite saying is “but that’s just how families ARE!” when she’s oversharing, being cruel to be kind, or flying off the handle because she can’t get her way. She’ll excuse anything she does but oh lord if you contradict her or do anything she doesn’t like take cover! I can only take her in minute doses now so feel for you living under the same roof. I would say that try not to feel too guilty as she’s probably trained you to feel guilty in order to get her needs met.

That's just how families are... Yes! Classic line. Let's normalise this, shall we?

But yes I don't think she realises she's doing it, it's not malicious. And I do love her so much but it's so difficult.

And apparently I am being selfish because I laid down ONE boundary. She's started talking to me now and bizarrely started to pretend she is happy about something that she was dead against last week! Or maybe she was pretending to be against it last week. Fuck knows. I don't know what the truth is anymore.