Hi everyone.
I have no idea where to begin with this. My partner and I have been together for almost 3 years. We have a 15 month and I'm currently 15 weeks pregnant with 2nd. Since my 1st born things have not been good between us. Arguments have turned worse. My partner loves me and I love him. Anyway, our problems began when my son was born. I felt like a single parent, I was doing a lot but my partner was also adjusting to a new job with a start at 6am in the morning so being up early every morning took his toll on him too. I've never been diagnosed but I worry I had and still have a mild case of post natal depression. I get easily frustrated at him for being lazy and it turns to me being hurtful and nasty towards him. Even petty wee things turn into that. I'm disgusted in myself in the stuff I say to him. I've called him a useless dad, a drug taking scumbag, a lazy bastard etc). I'm not proud of myself. He doesn't do drugs anymore he did lie to me for just over a year about using cocaine quite frequently. But I'm so proud of him how he turned himself around. He even did drug tests to prove he was clean and I finally trust him again in that sense. Why do I get myself so angry at him for silly things? Why do I say the things I do?.
This year we have split 7 times. The last time was Friday there and he moved his stuff out and everything. He took another house on. However on Saturday morning, we spoke about a lot of things and we are making a go of it but we are living seperately at the moment.
Anyway I've seen him every day since. I love every moment I'm spending with him. I mean it feels like the honeymoon period again. We are closer than ever. I've just got doubt in my mind about it turning sour again after he permanently lives with me again too.
We have spoke about everything about all mistakes we have made on both parts. I just want to become a better person as well and stop saying hurtful things to him he doesn't deserve that treatment. I just hate that he completely ignores me when we fight and sits there like he doesn't care but I know deep down he does and he really does treat me like a princess when we get a long well. He says he's going to start doing more for his son. I'm going to work on saying the hurtful stuff I've been saying. I'm disgusted in myself that I could ever say those things because I don't mean any of them. He's not perfect but he doesn't deserve to be put down. I was brought up in a household where my dad did it to my mum worse than I but I see how much it affected her.
So I'm looking for advice how can I stop saying these nasty things? I don't want to do it anymore. I'm ashamed, disgusted and feel like the worse person ever.
Thanks