Father daughter relationship

[Nogodsnomasters]

Hi all, I don't know if this section is only for personal relationships or not but I didn't know where else to post this. I'll try to keep it short. My mother and father were never married and separated when I was a toddler due to my mum being sick of his cheating/laziness/not contributing/using the house like a hotel. He stayed living local and I saw him sporadically over the next few years, I never had sleepovers or went for dinner or had day trips with him, it would be more just hanging out at his house and a bit of pocket money here and there. One day when I was still in primary school I went over to his house where he now lived with his new girlfriend and the house was empty, they were gone. Moved away and didn't say a word. I heard through the grapevine that he'd moved to the countryside but never heard from him again. Not even when my mum died when I was 15 and I know he knew because my mums cousin saw him at a fair and told him. Anyway when I became a young adult (around 9 years ago) I began looking for him. I found out he married the girlfriend, was still with her and had 2 more children. I managed to finally get through to him and he wanted to meet up so we did, this was 2011. I had 200 questions and didn't feel like he gave any decent answers with conviction, it was like he wanted to forget the past and just start brand new which I couldn't plus he was a virtual stranger so I told him thanks for meeting me but I'm not interested in seeing you again, he respected that. 3 years later in 2014 he tried to contact me, I ignored it. 2016 he tried again, I also ignored it. Fast forward to last week he has got in touch again and this time I have responded. We've been chatting off/on for a week and he's finally last night stopped beating around the Bush and said he's sorry and that back then he used to put himself first and he regrets it all and knows he can't change it but hopes that I'll forgive him. I'm really open to meeting up again but I just feel so nervous and don't want to feel awkward and uncomfortable again like last time 7 years ago. Does anyone have any experience of meeting with an estranged parent and it actually working out and ever getting to the stage of not feeling like strangers? He's 71 now and I think that has a lot to do with it on both our parts. Sorry this was so long.

No experience from a child's perspective but my DH left a trail of kids behind him. Now in his sixties, I know he bitterly regrets his actions but it's too late for his kids. They can't forget his absence or his decisions. They have got to like him, love him even but they don't respect him and for that, he has to accept that's entirely his own doing.

I think you've had a rough ride OP and just proceed with an open mind and a protection for your feelings at the fore. All the very best xx

Thank you for replying, I know how your children (and his other children) must feel, I don't even feel a love for my father if I'm honest, but I'm hoping that can grow over time, I just don't know if I'm expecting too much and this will all turn out to be a waste of time. I also don't want to give him false hope since I can tell from his messages that he's quite desperate to make it right somehow and I don't want to hurt an elderly man either!

Remember you were little kid and did not give a stuff about hurting you.
There is facebook groupcall DNA social and it full of people make relationship with uni now parents.
And sibbiing
Have a look look around Facebook

Protect yourself. This is a man who not only abandoned a small child but completely failed to step up when that child’s mother died before she was an adult. I can’t see how that can ever be forgiven. Fair play to him that he has now admitted he is totally at fault - one tiny redeeming factor - but you don’t owe him anything at all. You may be lovely and generous and kind to a weak man in his old age and let him get to know you and if so that is your prerogative but please make sure you don’t let him hurt you....I know the genetic drive can be powerful and you may have a strong urge to know him and bond with him because he is ‘your father’ and If you do he will get a great deal more than he deserves which is fine - as long as it is right for you too. But don’t make sacrifices and bend over backwards unless you want your self-esteem and sense of worth on the floor.

I don't think you are wrong to feel no love. He wasn't there for you. Contributed his DNA and not much else - even when you were a child and he had other kids and your Mum died (sorry) - he gave you nothing and didn't step up. Total lack of empathy. Total self involvement.

I think do what feels right for you. Don't feel obliged to him just because he contributed DNA.

Just because he is now elderly and feeling regret doesn't mean you have to forgive and forget. You should still get answers to the questions you had.

Thanks for all your replies I really appreciate them. I've agreed to meet him on Tuesday next week and i am so nervous. I feel like he genuinely feels bad about what he did whereas in 2011 that did not come across, I also held a lot of anger at that time which I've mostly (not all) let go of as it's better for me not to hold on to it not because he deserves to be forgiven. He also wants to meet my ds3 but I told him there is no way that will be happening until I'm 100% sure it won't end up having a negative impact on him somehow so I'm going alone. Very nervous. In old age he seems to have become very open as in his messages he tells me he loves me and misses me which I don't feel comfortable reciprocating so I keep changing the subject or doing a stupid emoji face to reply and I'm nervous that he'll be over the top familiar face to face also which isn't as easy to deflect without sounding rude!

Good luck for Tues

Thank you, I'm leaving in 20 mins and I'm so fucking nervous.

Op remember you have nothing to prove - he has everything to prove. He’s the one who should be nervous and seeking your approval, not the other way around.

He made your childhood about him - you need to make this stage of your relationship with him about you. What you need and what you want from it. Good luck.

Thank you all for your messages. Well I was there for nearly 3 hours and shockingly it did not feel like that length of time. At the start it was very awkward but towards the end it just became very emotional and overwhelming with both of us crying, so I left in a rush shaking but not before we had hashed a lot of stuff out. I met his wife and feel very wary of her but I'm not sure why (it's possibly about the thought of how could a woman be with a man knowing he had a child out there and not be on his case all the time about doing something about it, getting access, paying maintenance etc). I also met one of his daughters my half sister, she was very quiet /shy so didn't do much talking.

I wouldn't have even gone, but well done to you for doing so even though it was hard.

You don't owe him anything though, he owes you everything. His wife quite frankly is horrible for being OK with him abandoning his first child. How anyone could be OK with that is beyond me. But she isn't to blame, he is.

If you want a relationship with him, tread very carefully. If you don't, refuse and I wouldn't even tell him you forgive him even if you do. He should have to live with that guilt until he dies.

Well done. You've put some seriously shitty stuff behind you and attempted a reconciliation. Well done. It's not easy.

He better grovel for every onwards!

And BTW 71 isn't elderly!! You probably see that now you've met him.

I really hope it goes well for you and you gain some healing from the relationship.

Glad it went well. Hope you get see him again

I'm glad it went okay this time.

BUT... remember that little girl. The little primary-aged child, who went round to her daddy's house, and found him gone. Remember how she felt. And remember that this is the man (and woman) who did that to her. Honour her, by protecting her.

Good luck!

Wanted to say how strong, kind and generous hearted you are Nogods

I’m a little bit in awe of you for doing this.
Your father and his wife are extremely lucky you’ve let them into your life and I hope they recognise that and respect your feelings and boundaries.

A friend of mine is adopted and had some excellent online support from adoption forums with regards to the pitfalls of getting to know long lost relatives.

There may be some good advice to be found there for you.

Thank you all for your advice and support, its really needed! I've agreed over a few messages this evening to meet again at some point next month but left it open ended for now. I do feel I will tread carefully and keep my guard up because I'm just not sure of the whole situation. I feel so mentally drained now after the whole thing, think ill have an early night.

You have a generous heart but I would advise caution. His desire to reconnect with you is all about him not you. He wants forgiveness for what he did all those years ago. He wants you to make him feel better for how he treated you and your mum. He's still the selfish user he always was. Please don't be fooled by his tears - they are for him not you. Just because you have a genetic link to this man does not mean you have to love him, or forgive him.

fishing I have a feeling you may be right, but I don't know if even he realises that deep down.

What does your Dh think of all of this?

Have you ever had counciling
Because I think this would be a good time to get some.

If you can afford go private if you can't go to your Dr and get on bus list

Just to say, the friend I mentioned upthread did not have a good experience when he tried to connect with his birth mother but he is now one of the most grounded, stable people I know and feels that the attempt to make things right with her has had a very positive effect on him.

What I mean is that, even if things go really badly with your father, the fact that you’ve tried to reconnect means you won’t be haunted by ‘what ifs’ or regrets in the future.

What Fishingisnotasport said. Please don't be fooled by him. He feels guilty yes perhaps, but I doubt he's sorry for it. He just wants a clear conscience now he's getting old.

I think guilt can surmount to sorry in this scenario, unlike if he were "caught out" doing something and was only sorry he was caught, if any of that makes sense.

I have had counselling in the past but for unrelated things, mostly anxiety and for the traumatic death of my sister 4 years ago.

Thank you pp for sharing your friends experience, I understand what you mean that if I didn't attempt this and he died then I would be the one left wondering what if rather than him, that is one reason I'm willing to give it a go.

oblomov my dh thinks I should do whatever feels right for me, this all happened before I met him obviously and he has previously thought my father a bastard basically as did I, but now that this has all come about he does want to give a certain amount of credit for him admitting his wrong doings and his attempts at contact the last 7 years. He's said he will support me whatever I want to do.