family relationship

[chatterbox54]

I would really appreciate some advice here.

I have a half sister from my dads previous marriage. She is 15 years older than me. She lost touch with her dad when she was young and have had spasmodic contact with him as an adult. I wanted to get to know her as a sister so we met up every so often just to have lunch. She seemed polite but not over friendly and was only ever interested in meeting occasionally for lunch. I wanted more than that because I wanted to bond with her. After meeting her three times for lunch I was beginning to get bored and asked her were she thought this was going because I did not think we were bonding as sisters. She then said we have different expectations and that if I wanted more from her then it would be best if we did not meet up again. I was shocked and wrote to her and said that I did not think meeting up for lunch every three months or so would bring us closer together and I wanted more from her so I said it was not working out and I said I will have to call it a day. I have other family that I am close to but I am wondering if my half sisters attitude to me is because of the situation with our dad and her

It may just be life circumstances. The situation could be potentially draining emotionally for some people. If her life is going well, she may see the new relationship as an unecessary complication. She may simply know that se wont be capable of the sort of bonding you are after. Or of course yes like you say, it may just be difficult because of the dad situation. She may even have her mother or other family making it hard for her. There are all sorts of explanations really. Maybe she would be willing to tell you. Maybe she doesnt even understand herself, though

Sounds like a tough situation for you, sorry.

She was right about your differing expectations and in the circumstances was right to call it a day. Neither of you are wrong for wanting what you want but the incompatibility of your needs would make for a challenging relationship. You can speculate all you like about her ‘attitude’ towards you but you don’t seem to understand that she is entitled to not want the same as you.

A relationship is about the needs of more than one person but you only seem interested in your needs, which begs the question, what did you want from her?

I wanted more warmth from her. She was polite but not as friendly as sisters should be

Sisters are not always close. Some of them can be so full of horrible real or imagined distresses and upsets that they never get on.
I would love to have the type of sister that others seem to have of those who we read about in books but it is not the case.
Are you sure that you were not looking at this female and hoping for a fairytale outcome.

Yes I was looking for a fairytale outcome

Maybe she sensed that a relationship with you meant that she couldn’t be herself and that it was all about your needs. Whatever need you’re looking to be filled, it isn’t her responsibility to fill.

Well it is not all about my needs. She did not grow up with her father and because of that I made the effort and gave her something of his that she could hold onto and treasure that would mean something to her. Because she was born and raised abroad, I had my dads passport that he used at that time and it means nothing to me because it was from a time before I existed so I gave it to her. I thought it is the least I can do for her and she was thankful for that. So I did my best to do something special for her because she was always sad that her father left her. I may add that all she said was "thank you". I would have thought that she might have said that it meant something to her and that she would treasure it. Anyway I will not be having anything more to do with her because she clearly stated that if I wanted more out of the relationship then it would be better if we stopped having contact and I have taken her at her word. It was never going to get anywhere and a friend of mine agreed with me that it is utterly pointless just meeting every two or three month for an hour to sit and eat a sandwich in a cafe and that is all my half sister is prepared to do because she told me so I have called it a day

It is all about your needs though, she obviously isn't as bothered about not growing up with her father as you are. I'm not sure why you wanted her to say more about the passport other than thank you, which she did, she hasn't had a close relationship with him so again, it obviously doesn't mean as much to her as you thought it might.

I'm sorry that you didn't get the fairy tale ending that you wanted but I'm not sure why you have to cut contact completely, surely a small amount of contact is better than none?

She's had a completely different upbringing to you. She's perhaps someone who has protective barriers around her due to feeling rejected, abandoned etc... we don't really know.

She's been polite and was happily meeting up with you to catch up. I find the passport thing a little odd and I wouldn't say more than thank you for it in that circumstance either. But that's because we are all different. Others may hug you and kiss you all over for the sentiment. Just because she hasn't responded in the way you wanted her to if doesn't make it wrong.

Shame, because I think a little would have been better than nothing.

Sorry she didn't meet your expectations but you can't force someone to have an instant bond (or even want) with you just because you are related by blood. You gave it a try, it didn't work out. Just move on and leave the door open, if she wants to get in touch in the future.

All I hear is 'me, me, me, me', with a bit of 'She SHOULD have'.

Bloody hell op. Why would she 'treasure' your dad's passport? That man was NOT a dad to her. More akin to a sperm donor than anything else.

You tried to force a close relationship that had no foundation. Instead you should have continued meeting up with her to slowly build up that absent foundation, and see what could have grown out of it.

It is too late now. She said if I wanted more then it would be better if we did not meet again and I took her at her word and told her I did not want any more contact . I guess I did not see things from the angle you described. She did not explain her feelings to me about the situation and why she cannot be closer to me so I guess we were both at fault

Oh my God! You are virtually a stranger to her and instead of taking the opportunity to build a relationship with her, you spat your dummy out because she didn’t provide you with the instant gratification you think you’re entitled to. I think she had a very narrow escape.

all she said was "thank you". I would have thought that she might have said that it meant something to her and that she would treasure it.

How can you decide how she should have reacted?! Why should she treasure it? You seem to think you’ve done so much for her but to be frank you sound utterly selfish and dare I say entitled in how you’ve handled this situation. And to now blame her for not wanting a relationship with you? Why should she?

I am not blaming her. I have had time to think and ponder on the responses here and of a friend of mine and see things properly and wondered whether to write to her and say I fully understand where she is coming from and that we cannot be close because of both our situations. At least that would not end things on a sour note. She is the injured party here not me. I was not the one who was left by my father as a young child. My father had difficulties but he never left me. I think part of the reason he never abandoned me was because when he married my mother she made sure they stayed together and my dads first wife was not bothered so when they had problems, his first wife met and married someone else who took my dads former kids and brought them up as his own. My father had weekly contact with his other kids but then he could not stand to see another man bring up his children and so he decided there was nothing left for him and left to come back to England and his attitude was well my ex wife has chosen to make a better life for herself and the kids away from me so I will let them get on with it. Imagine having kids and watching your ex wife and her new husband play happy families with your children. Anyway I cannot change the past but I can change the future and although I think it is better if my half sister and I go our separate ways I do have enough compassion for what she went through and want to tell her so she does not think I am selfish and this is all about me

Your poor Dad, being married to a woman who wouldn’t accept his shit and then to add insult to that injury, she had the audacity to find a new partner who was willing to take on ‘his’ responsibilities to their children. He obviously had no choice but to fuck off to a new country and have a ‘do over’ family. You really do see things from a perspective that does seem incompatible with her experience.

Leave her alone. The sad truth is, your view of things would make for at best a tense relationship and at worst, a dysfunctional one. As someone who was abandoned by an entitled lazy excuse of a human, the last thing I’d want is to ‘bond’ in later life with a someone who couldn’t relate to my experience.

I never had my biological dad when I was growing up, he left when I was young (2). He then married a lady with two kids when I was about 8. I didn’t miss him growing up at all because he was sent ever “present” anyway if that makes sense. Anyway, if I’m honest if one of his kids got in touch with me to give me something of his and to bond, I don’t think I’d be too keen if I’m honest. For many reasons, one being that nothing he could possibly possess would have any value to me as they were from a time when he was never around, secondly that person would essential, be a stranger who wanted to forge a relationship out of virtually nothing....except a shared dna.

I actually wrote to my dad just to find out why he left and why he never tried harder etc, for him to tell me that he thought my mum and made a better life for us with someone new and he’d leave us to enjoy that. I call bullshit. A child doesn’t make that choice, the parent does. It’s just easier for them not to bother, under the guise of doing the right thing.

The father you knew and the father she knew, are two completely different men. I’d be exactly the same as her.
Hope that all makes sense. Wow a bit of a ramble

Agentjohnson said it better than I did, that is what I meant....

What disappoints the most, is the excuses/ passes that some women feel the need to give to men for their shitty behaviour, whilst pointing the finger at the woman for not accepting it. The opposite of your Mother’s ‘saintly’ behaviour isn’t the ‘impatient’ behaviour of your step sisters mother. When did it become our responsibility to ‘handle’ the selfish impulses of entitled fuckwits?

Given your circumstances I think she was incredibly brave to meet you. You got the life and the dad she wanted. I have known people in her situation harbour incredible resentment towards the subsequent half siblings. The fact she agreed to have any form of relationship with you, regardless of how tentative, is a big step. And because you couldn't have it on your terms, you called it off. I that you've been very unfair to her and very unempathetic. You've read all her responses through your own filter of how you felt she should behave and haven't once really put yourself in her shoes. Sometimes sisters are close, sometimes not, but if you really do want a relationship with her as a person, you'll take whatever you can get, even if that is just occasional lunches. You just have to decide if you are actually interested in her - in which case yes write a letter - or in your ideal of a sister. In which case, leave her alone.

I have been in this exact situation I met my half sister at 21 having never known she or my other 3 half siblings exsisted. She was 19. When I agreed to meet it was out of mild curiosity, I'd managed 21 years not knowing of any of them and they were not my siblings just random people who I may or may not get on with. I met her 3 times twice for lunch and once for a night out, she thought I would be interested in her brothers and sisters and our father but they were strangers to me not family and I wasn't really interested. I had a good career, a morally correct upbringing and a stable homelife, she unfortunately had none of that and wanted to use me as some kind of crutch to help her feelings of inadequacy. She said she'd always known about me and wanted to find me, she didn't get on great with her siblings and wanted that relationship with me. I did not see her as family and at best would have liked her as a friend but as I could not give her what she wanted we stopped meeting and I never met my father or 3 other half siblings. That was 20 years ago and I still have no contact with any of them and I don't regret it at all. They are just people who share DNA but actually are nothing like me due to their upbringing.
If you want a 2nd chance, if she allows you would have to understand that brothers and sisters grow up together and for her at best at the moment maybe she could see you being friends even more so if she is an only child as I was as we have no idea how that dynamic works, don't be too needy or clingy or talk about sisters as you're not really yet. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh but I imagine this may be similar to how she feels.

Just fully read your update, don't tell her she is the injured party or that you're sorry your dad abandoned her, you sound like you're victorious over a win and she's the poor abandoned party. Fwiw meeting my half sibling left me feeling pleased my father left, they grew up in an unstable home and have/had little work ethic and some debatable ideas surrounding the law. She hasn't missed out on anything and expecting her to care about something of your fathers is odd.

To her her dad left her. U bringing up the past and giving her his stuff probably just pissed her off so she said thanks to be polite. You seem to have your head in the clouds op

Whatever I do or say is wrong. I am in close contact with my aunt (my dads sister) and when I told her that I wanted to give my half sister something that belonged to her dad she said that was very kind and thoughtful of me. She never once considered whether it might trigger unhappy memories and nor did I. To be honest if my half sibling did not feel she could accept the item then all she had to do is be honest and say it would cause problems.