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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I really irrational or is my husband neglecting me?

2 replies

sxp339 · 03/07/2018 21:37

I've been married for 30 years. When I first met my husband I was only 18 and thought it was normal to hug and kiss a lot. He was totally the opposite and used to physically push me away. He never held my hand or cuddled me. He said this was because he was never shown any affection but that I was also too needy. Before anyone asks why on earth I married this man, it was an arranged marriage. After having my first child I became depressed and started having panic attacks. I've been on medication ever since. Five years into our marriage my husband went off the rails and began lying to me about money and getting himself into thousands of pounds worth of debt. He physically hurt me on a couple of occasions. I left him for a period of time, but due to my insecurities later went back. He eventually settled down again and has never done anything like that since. The main issue now is I feel so lonely when I'm with him. He now works 3 jobs, including Sundays. When he is home, he is glued to his phone. He says he loves me but rarely shows it. I have become more and more withdrawn over the years because of his lack of care and attention. I have become bitter and sad. I have no real friends and can't talk to my family. He says I'm always complaining and that's why we're not close. We will go to an event where I don't really know many people and he will usually end up leaving me on my own to go and talk to others. When I get upset because I've been sitting on my own, he tells me I'm irrational and he feels pressured. He never tells me he loves me or that I'm pretty. I could just go on and on. I'm so sad. I feel like I'm just existing. I have talked to him about this so many times and he just tells me the reason our marriage is suffering is because I'm nasty and don't show him any affection. I feel he just wants to be independent and do his own thing while I'm standing on the outskirts waiting for him when he needs me. He obviously doesn't see it this way and makes me feel as though I'm the one that's not ok, that if I were different, everything would be amazing.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 04/07/2018 03:06

You’re not and never were compatible. This is who he is and he isn’t interested in being any different. The choice is yours, stay for more of the same or leave. I understand that leaving all you have ever known is scary but if you want different, then you have to do different.

It’s time to stop neglecting yourself and your needs by investing the time and energy in getting support (professional) to give you the strength and confidence to change your circumstances.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/07/2018 03:41

I think the fact that it was an arranged marriage brings a different dynamic. I'm not criticizing arranged marriages per se, I know that many of them are successful for both partners. But an arranged marriage isn't based on mutual love to start with, even if the couple are very compatible. It may be that although you have grown to love him, he hasn't grown to love you. Not a happy thought, but a real possibility.

If you want to be happy, you can either leave and create a new life and hopefully find love with someone else, or you can stay and create an independent life of your own with friends and activities you enjoy, apart from your husband. What you cannot do is make him love you if he does not.

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