Please help - DP stiff upper lip

[DonkeyPlease]

NC for this. my dp is lovely and very posh, with the attendant cultural things like an enormously stiff upper lip, boarding school syndrome, over developed sense of shame and duty. In his 30s with responsible public facing job.

We have been together 3 yrs. We don't see his DM/DF much, has taken me a while to get to know them. recently i realised that dp's dm is fairly awful. E.g., makes shit remarks about how DP was "hopeless" and "sloppy" at school. (Moderate dyslexia - got a 2:1 in pure maths ffs). Dp deals with it all very calmly - It really upsets me but nothing I can do.

DP had a lovely nanny. Over time I've pieced together that this woman LOVED dp, doted on him, truly loved him while the rest of teh family ignored and belittled him. And DP loved her. DP was looking forward to a planned holiday in her area, whereat I was going to meet her and bring my children to see her. Her own DC sadly predeceased her and she is living alone in a bedsit in her old age.

This lady has died. Dp not told until days later - fair enough, he's not family. He has just told me on the phone. He can barely get the words out. Rang off so as not to talk about it I think.

Due to work commitments I won't see him until tomorrow evening. (he will not change these commitments - god forbid that anyone be inconvenienced)

Does anyone have any ideas on how I could help him. He and I are quite different - I need to talk and cry when I hurt, I don't know how to help someone who doesn't do those things. He hasn't cried for 20 years for example. Can't bear people fussing over him. He's supported me through some truly desperate times but I don't know what to do for him.

Any suggestions appreciated x

Sorry for your DP's loss and sorry that you did not get the opportunity to meet her

It sounds obvious, by why not ask him what you can do? He might want to talk, he might not but if you offer he might open up a little.

Are there any photos he can look through together with you? Memories he can share with you? I wouldn't push it, but be mindful over the coming weeks of his grief...even if it's inward. It might take some time for him to open up.

Offer to go to the funeral with him and help pick our flowers, send a card to the family etc.

How does he show affection OP? I ask as DH can be quite 'stiff upper lip' too and I eventually figured out that he shows affection by doing practical things for me so I do the same when he needs support.

Obviously this may not apply, but when in a similar situation, I dealt with basic admin that he would normally do, made some phone calls so he didn't have to, organised the card / flowers and generally dealt with boring life stuff so he could focus. I also contacted one or two of his closest friends and asked them to invite him out for an evening. They took him for a few pints and a curry and brought him home. He said later that being distracted, with no pressure and somewhere other than home really helped.

Thank you both, I so appreciate the advice.

@HandbagCrazy, he's physical affection (only with me), and giving gifts - can't bear receiving them. So I think it's just physical affection then.
Perhaps I will ask if he would like to choose flowers to be sent to the funeral - as a gift for her. That might be something he would want to do but wouldn't think of. I will ask what his plans are for the funeral.

@SickerThanYourAverage Thank you so much. Good tips. If I were to ask him what he needs he would say 'nothing' - that's just how he is. Is it right to just take him at his word in that case? I would feel I were abandoning him somehow, pretending that nothing happened. But maybe as you say it's best to let him do things his own way.

Oh how awful for him, poor man. I too have a Stiff upper lip' other half. Can you text him anything that is meaningful to him that shows you are thinking of him? He can look at it when it suits him as in he is ' braced' for it? If you see what I mean? Such as a song, a quote you both use?

He probably is S-U-L because he always had to be, even in the face of his abusive mother. My DP is, because of how he was treated by his parents etc.

Sending you a hug because you want to help him so much.

OP - you are overthinking. He is not you and you already said it yourself - he doesn’t want being fussed over. So - don’t.
Follow his lead. And just be there.

On another note - the way you talk about his parents - won’t get you any favours if you stay together.
You’ve only known the family for 3 years. And if your DP thought his mother were awful - it’s his right. But it sounds like you are getting in the middle and meddling.
Don’t.
It’s his parents and he gets to chose how to deal with their comments, etc. He doesn’t need you to ‘protect’ him from his mother.

I would just try to be quietly 'there' for him, not fuss over him but just be a bit more thoughtful and try to look after him a bit more than normal. And yes to going with him to the funeral and sorting flowers and practicalities so he doesn't have to worry about them. I think it's lovely that you want to get this right for him, hope he's ok

I agree with a PP that he would perhaps be able to show his feelings through actions. Did his Nanny have any family? Has she just died or has the funeral already taken place?

I disagree with the PP who said the OP is meddling. It sounds like the OP's partner would really appreciate someone being absolutely behind him - someone who's got his back and who loves him.

@MMmomDD I am so far from meddling, I can't even tell you. I don't even pass on to DP what his DM says about him. I keep the peace. That doesn't mean I don't have an opinion about what I myself have witnessed being said about him. I love him, after all.

But thank you, I'll keep following his lead.

Thank you @Hidingtonothing. He know he will be ok - he is tough as old boots really.

@HollowTalk She was very low on family - I believe only her brother is still alive. She died over the weekend, funeral not taken place yet.

Thank you again to all. I agree with @MMmomDD that I am overthinking, but talking about it here is helping me get clearer.

Just give him a hug and be with him. Go to the funeral with him if you can.

'Is it right to just take him at his word in that case?'

Well, yes. Tell him you're sorry for his loss and that you'll be there for him if/how/when he needs you...then let him decide if/how/when he needs you.

You may feel like you're abandoning him due to your own reaction to grief/distress, but you taking a step back might show him how much you really do understand him and will support him in a way that suits him, on his terms. He might not actually need to talk about it, but knowing you will is enough.

There is no right/wrong way to grieve, so just follow his lead I guess.

I agree, give him a hug & tell him how sorry you are then just follow his lead.

My DH is very similar and he lost his father then a beloved sister at a tragically young age in consecutive years about 5 years ago. I only saw him cry on the day it happened then the funeral and the rest of the time he grieved in private. He was incredibly angry over his sister's death though, and wasn't backward in directing all of that fury in my direction with some really appalling behaviour for a while, so be prepared that all you might see is outbursts of anger once the initial shock wears off.

So sorry for him, poor guy.

You say he hasnt cried in 20 years. But he hasnt lost a 'parent' (effectively she was a parent to him) in all those years either.

He may actually show a side you havent seen. A vulnerable young boy who was neglected affection from his birth parents but loved unconditionally by this wonderful mother figure.

Comfort him as you would comfort your child. Hes just lost his mum.x

@BunsOfAnarchy you made me cry with that! What you describe is the sense that I have of how he's feeling.

Thank you all for advising me and helping me give my head a wobble.

Have spent time with DP, didn't bring anything up just let him lead. He didn't say a word about his Nanny but just seemed very quiet, listless/ didn't seem able to eat.

Then once I had left he started to text me (he's not a texter) telling me stories of her, and of the death. She died unattended and was alone for some time
Chatted about funeral, arrangements haven't been finalized yet.
Talked a while about being worried he'll die by himself and I would be left even more upset that he was alone, wishes he could ensure that doesn't happen etc. So a lot of things rolling around in there I think. I didn't say much but let him know I was listening.

There might be space for him to chat more on the weekend.
Life feels very hard sometimes.

In any event thank you again for all the advice. I got my head straight thanks to all of you, if I hadn't, I'd have made this worse for him x

The fact that he felt able to open up to you, albeit by text, speaks volumes about whether you're getting this right, just keep doing what you're doing. This will take its toll on both of you though so don't forget to look after yourself and make sure you have support too, we're always here if all else fails