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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ruined long distance relationship by texting - how to salvage?

27 replies

Kitty2019 · 03/07/2018 17:44

I don't live in UK but am back and forward every month or so and moving back permanently next year. I met a guy online about 4 months ago and we got chatting. Turned out he lives in my hometown and we had loads in common and really clicked. After chatting every day and having calls couple of times a week, we met up in person after about 6 weeks. I was home for a week and we went out 3 times - all dates were amazing, we had great chemistry and agreed to keep in touch and meet up again when I am next home. Since then talking and texting again every day and felt that this was really going to develop into a solid relationship as we were both equally keen. Lots of nice messages, very open, photos,calls and make each other laugh a lot and completely on the same wavelength. Was really looking forward to my next trip home to spend some quality time together etc.....

Anyway. With the time difference etc, we often have to arrange when to talk on the phone. We planned a call for Fri night. I had a terrible day on Friday due to issues with ex, very upset child etc and was completely emotionally drained after about 2 hours of tears with DD. Anyway, he went out with friends and didn't call me as planned. Normally I would have sent a goodnight catch up 2m text but as I was an emotional wreck I sent a horrible message to him saying I was disappointed he didn't call, it was bad manners, he could have texted me to say talk the next day instead. It sounded really needy and whiney and I am mortified reading it back.

I woke up the next day to a message saying sorry if I offended you or am not treating you the way you deserve but I met with old friend and thought we could catch up tomorrow. I don't get upset if we are not in contact as just assume you are busy and will catch up soon etc. He ended the message with it was nice to have known you, take care etc. So dumped! I feel he thinks I'm a bunny boiler because of that crazy message. The long distance thing was so hard and texting makes everything worse and seem too intense at times.

I sent back a message apologising for my outburst explaining it was out of character and I would like to apologise to him properly, either way. We had been getting on brilliantly until I sent that stupid message and I just blew it! But at the same time, I'm kind of disappointed he threw in the towel the first time I acted unreasonable. If it was real life, I would expect him to give me a boot up the backside and say don't be silly etc. But no chance when thousands of miles apart...... I scared him off😔

My friends are telling me to leave him to cool off which I am doing (with difficulty). Not sure if I will be able to salvage this and very disappointed in myself as he was first guy I liked since my divorce and we both couldn't believe how well we hit it off. I am back in UK in Aug and will try to apologise in person if I get the chance.

It's his birthday later this week and I had already sent him a gift, so will see if he gets in touch to say thank you. If not, I guess I will just leave it.

Gutted and v angry with myself. Any tips?

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 03/07/2018 17:51

Yes. Just move on and forget about it. It was very early days and he is under absolutely no obligation to tell you not to be silly etc. If this is how you are behaving now (for whatever reason), he has made a reasonable assumption that you will continue to act like that and he doesn't want to have to deal with that.

Original poster
Kitty2019 · 03/07/2018 17:56

I think you are right.........but really felt we had a great connection apart from this one off crazy overreaction from me. I have learned my lesson for sure 🙁

OP posts:
aaatozedd · 03/07/2018 18:01

I think you're being too hard on yourself. It was fair enough to be disappointed he didn't call. If he dumped you on the back of that, he's not interested enough imo. Just leave it, delete his number and try to move on. If something more happens later then so be it. Long distance relationships are hard and particularly when you have dcs. Okay you didn't act ideal but you apologised. Forgive yourself and move on Flowers

SuperSuperSuper · 03/07/2018 18:14

He's overreacted imo. It was one text! Could he have been looking for a convenient exit, and this was it?

Original poster
Kitty2019 · 03/07/2018 18:19

I just don't know what to think. He seemed really into me and we had trips and activities planned. I think my text gave him cold feet. But as you say, may be he just wasn't that into me after all...... trying to stop torturing myself here and just keep busy. Planning a girls night out tomorrow ☺

OP posts:
Dontknowwhatimdoing · 03/07/2018 18:21

If one text is enough to put him off you, then he clearly is not worth having. I'd leave it if I were you.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 03/07/2018 18:22

He's under no obligation to give you a boot up the backside. You might be sure it's a one off overreaction on your part but he's got no way of knowing whether that's the real you unless he risks sticking around and experiencing more of the same.

Was it a firm arrangement for him to phone you or was it just something you expected given your previous calls?

notacooldad · 03/07/2018 18:23

To be honest I would have been pretty pissed off with the message from you and would have thought it was the first signs of you being too intense for my liking. I get that you are not from your post but as people say on here when someone tells you who they are listen! I would have taken that advice!

eddielizzard · 03/07/2018 18:25

you live and learn. you have no idea what's really up with him.

late night needy and horrible texts aren't a good idea. yes he hasn't given you a second chance, it's a shame, you've apologised. the best thing you can do is to back off.

texting him more will just prove neediness. demonstrate that you have dignity and restraint.

sorry, Flowers i know it's hard.

ShatnersWig · 03/07/2018 18:27

Yes, I'm with cooldad on this.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 03/07/2018 18:32

I actually identify with him. I had some quite crappy relationships in my early 20s. Lots of making excuses for bad behaviour and trying to rationalise it and take responsability for managing men's behaviour and emotions. I then decided that I just was going to stop doing this early on in a relationship when - frankly - I owed these people nothing. By that stage I was totally fed up of being told, "Sorry I behaved like this but, actually, it's kind of your fault for not doing X/Y/Z to manage the situation"

It was really liberating. Early days dating is just getting to knkw someone and it's perfectly fine to decide to draw a line early on

SendintheArdwolves · 03/07/2018 18:36

I don't want to kick you while you're down, but what you did is a bit of a red flag - you took out your emotions on him, were deliberately hurtful and punished him for not putting you first after you'd had three dates!

If the roles were reversed, we'd all be telling you to back away, that he was showing you what he was really like, and that it was highly unlikely to be a one off as he claimed.

Be honest - (with yourself, not necessarily out loud with us) - why did you think it was OK to take your feelings out on him like that? What are your "expectations" from someone you have just met, and what else would you do if he failed to meet them?

Rudgie47 · 03/07/2018 18:38

Hes just not that bothered about you. If he was then he would have phoned/texted you as arranged no matter what. He could have called you whilst out.
I'd just forget him and move on, theres plenty of other people to go out with. Also its not that bad what you did either, just a bit thoughtless and needy.

Loopytiles · 03/07/2018 18:41

Sounds like you overinvested in it, you barely knew him.

RebelRogue · 03/07/2018 18:53

You apologised.
See if he contacts you over the gift, if not move on. If the relationship is too fresh to survive that message,it was too fresh to send a message like that too.
Chances are the relationship wouldn't be that great without the long distance. Had a few go up in flames once we settled in the same area/moved in together.

mzsink · 03/07/2018 18:54

It sounds like he was looking for an excuse tbh.

Original poster
Kitty2019 · 03/07/2018 18:59

Thanks for all the replies - much appreciated and you all make good points. I will leave it be and if our paths cross next time I am back home I will just be friendly. I agree the last thing I need to do is appear needy or intense. Best to just give him space too. I think I did overinvest as we had so much communication over the last few months but it doesn't match face to face interaction. The mistake was mine and I regret it but I will move on and be more careful next time. Have a nice evening everyone x

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 03/07/2018 19:07

kitty - I think you've taken this thread in really good part. Make sure as well that you apply the same rules to you - anything you feel uncomfortable with, move on

HustleRussell · 03/07/2018 19:08

You sounded emotional and way too needy. No one wants to deal with that. Especially in the early days. Sorry. As you said, you live and learn.

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 03/07/2018 19:19

“Old friend” Hmm

If you’ve been in communication daily for months and making plans for the future and had a specific plan to talk and he just blew you off and didn’t even text to say he’d changed plans then I don’t think you were being that unreasonable to be put out, even if your message was a bit OTT.

The fact that he went from “sorrynotsorry” to “bye” within one message makes me think he was looking to ditch you.

What you said you wrote doesn’t sound that whiny or needy to me, it actually sounds reasonably assertive. Unless there was a bunch of pleading and/or name-calling in the message that you didn’t mention, it seems like he’s the one who had overreacted.

LonginesPrime · 03/07/2018 19:31

Hes just not that bothered about you. If he was then he would have phoned/texted you as arranged no matter what

Yes, or would have at least told you he won't be calling as arranged out of courtesy.

It's hard with long-distance as every single word ends up meaning so much, so when you add to that the fact that text is a terrible way to communicate for anything important or anything involving emotions, it's a wonder any LDR works out!

I agree that he's obviously not as invested as you were, so I'd just put it down to experience and move on. Thanks

Blackness78 · 03/07/2018 19:33

If the relationship is too fresh to survive that message,it was too fresh to send a message like that too.

This

mamansnet · 03/07/2018 19:33

"He ended the message with it was nice to have known you, take care etc"

Just clutching at straws, but is there any chance that he thought you were dumping him?

Really hard to gauge feeling via text message!

HushabyeMountainGoat · 03/07/2018 19:38

I thought the same as mamansnet

rememberatime · 03/07/2018 19:38

As someone who was in a LDR for more than a year, these misunderstadnings are common and as a one off can be solved with an apology - but if they are consistent, you have a problem.

To react like you did to the first instance of this happening is probably a bit over the top. He can't have known you'd had a bad day and he is not responsible for cheering you up. However, he should be aware of the times you have agreed to be in touch and to let you know if it is not possible.

I split with my partner because he wasn't able to give me what I needed, which was consistency. I forgave many of the early cases of missed calls, no messages and lost days. Until finally I realised I deserved a bit better.

You can't know that he would have continued to be inconsiderate, but it sounds like you need better than than he is able to give. He seems to be in casual mode.

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