7 Year Itch

[JuJuMacD0808]

Hi all,
I’m new to this & very much need some advice as my thoughts are sending me around the bend 🙈
I’m going to apologise in advance if it gets a bit lengthy but will keep as concise as poss!
I met my husband in 2011 & things moved very quickly... engaged in 2012, married by the end of 2013 & 2 beautiful girls followed. On paper I guess we work, my family love him, he’s hardworking, attentive, a brilliant dad, frequent sex life... (initiated 90% by him) But my issue is, we are not really on the same wave-lenth, we lack meaningful conversation, he doesn’t make me laugh, zero witty banter & he takes a lot of things seriously. He didn’t have much of a social life before we met aside from his family members & is happy just taking the kids out most wknds as a family, I have to plan our social life tirelessly, he wasn’t even enthusiastic about joining an nct group (which I think would have saved me as he travels a lot with his job) When we do meet up with friends, he behaves like a bit of an idiot & cracks awful jokes, he constantly craves attaention in groups & is cringeworthy (but this is another thread altogether)
I keep thinking back to when we got engaged in 2012 & around about the same time I met another man through mutual friends on a night out, we clicked & there was tons of chemistry. He didn’t ask for my number but expressed how much he liked me via friends, I felt the same but buried it as was caught up in my engagement & at the time I did really love my husband to be & didn’t want to jeopardise the relationship.. Anyway I’d thought of him from time to time & he did contact me very briefly on social media 2 months before my wedding... not wanting to ruin what I had, I ignored my feelings & went ahead with my wedding.
A house & 2 beautiful children later, I can’t stop thinking about this man & whether I should have persued it. I would’ve felt awful at the time & am very much a loyal, faithful person. My children mean the world to me.
I just feel I have rushed my marriage & without my children we don’t have much of a relationship. Finding it hard to sleep with these thoughts & really want to give myself a hard kick for perhaps rushing things initially & going into marriage a bit naively :(
I know there is no such thing as a perfect marriage & I do love my husband but I rarely enjoy his company anymore...
I know this guy is in a relationship now & has seemingly moved on I’d imagine, but I have this need to see him, I know I’m playing with fire...

You need to explore your marriage. If you want to make it work with your husband, maybe go to counselling together and work through the things that are making you unhappy. If you decide you don't want to make it work, or can't, that is fine too and you can start focusing on plans to end he relationship. But don't make this about another man. Leave him well alone until you are completely separated from your husband, if that's the way you choose to go.

I've been with my man for 7 years now, we had great fun and laughs when we were first together, but he's boring now. I bumped into an old flame (from over 20 years ago) last month and we started something. I'm at a loss as to what to do too.

I think the foundations of your relationship were set way too quickly. It takes around 4-5 years to truly know someone.
You only get one stab at life, leave & learn from it. Good luck

Thanks for your messages, I know deep down we probably need relationship counselling...I have discussed my issues with him re our differences, but he doesn't see a problem with himself & just gets upset, then we argue horribly. I feel trapped to be honest...

I completely get you. My relationship had other issues but also the no chatting and banter. He just talks at me and without any research or anything to back it up, expressed his opinions as facts. He also doesn't read not have any interests beyond watching a fee sports so he's actually really boring. I didn't notice it at the beginning because I'm quite bubbly and can easily carry conversations plus he was on his best behaviour then.

So basically he's a good guy but you want him to change? Have you asked him what he finds annoying about you..I bet you haven't, and I bet he has a long list too. If he was this way when you met him why are you so upset he's still this way..if it wasn't what you liked you should have not married him. It amazes me how people expect their partner to change who they are, yet this was the person who they chose in the first place.

WasFat Wonder if your husband thinks you're boring too? I really don't understand why you are at a loss what to do? How about being a decent being and telling your husband you don't love him any more, you've cheated on him and you're going to leave the marriage? Whether you then stay with the old flame is your business.

OP If your DH doesn't see a problem, then you have to leave. He clearly likes things as they are, you don't. But leave if he won't have counselling, don't go playing with fire.

It's funny the things we overlooked initially, I think I was drawn to the idea that he made me feel very settled & safe... had been craving that for years in previous horrid relationships where men treated me like rubbish. It's weird I feel like I've been under a spell for the last few years & woken up to reality, which is pretty dire..

Shatnerswig... I haven't cheated on him with this guy, nothing physical actually took place... Plus I've been very honest about my feelings with husband, yes I'm not perfect either, I'm sure my husband has a list, but my point is he doesn't see any issue here.
I married too quickly, this is clear. I've posted this thread for sound advice especially as children are involved.

So you basically settled for your husband because he was a safe reliable option even though there was no chemistry and now you are bored you want a bit of fizz back in your life. Your poor husband. No worries, I am sure someone will be along soon to detail how to ‘get your ducks in a row’.

It sounds like you acknowledge he is a nice guy...but that you dont actually like his personality. Is that sort of accurate? If so, I dont know what you can do about this...

When did you realise this though? If you realised years ago and have had your head in the sand since.....argh.
If you "realised" recently then maybe there is some hope. Because he probably hasnt changed. And you liked and fancied him once. The fantasy about the other guy (who btw will also be annoying in many ways like we all are!) will almost definitely be effecting your assessment.

OP Firstly, I never said you did anything physical with this guy. Secondly, I gave you sound advice. He's happy, you're not; if he won't acknowledge there is a problem and go for counselling, then you leave. Thirdly, you said you were playing with fire, I told you not to.

This isn’t a 7 year itch, you just married the wrong person for the wrong reasons. That much should’ve been obvious in 2012 when this other guy made you giddy.

Marriages can be worked at when the spark was there for a few years at the beginning, but it sounds like it was never really there for you two in the first place.

I completely get you and I have posted here as well about a crush as well. We only have two choices at this point: to leave or try to make our marriages work. I chose to try to make it work for the past two months.

What I did was to tell my husband flat out about my crush, that it happened for a reason, and that we - as a couple - had to work/fight for our marriage. Others said I was horrible to my husband but it takes two to clap in every marriage. I also initiated more romantic encounters and nights out.

To reduce the intensity of the crush, and this worked for me, I diverted my attention away from MEN (husband/crush) entirely. I focused on exercise, health, friends & family. I bought new books, clothes, and started new hobbies. I also started a few new work projects that I wouldn't otherwise consider. I think this second bit worked for me.

There wasn't much of a spark in the first place, I can't see you'll ever feel happy in this marriage. Don't waste your life hoping for a miracle in your marriage, split up and find happiness.

Even marriages with sparks initially can fall apart tbh.

Dirtybadger, you're right, I love him as a person, in a lot of ways he's a wonderful man but I'm not in love with him anymore. I was attracted initially, there was a spark to begin with, his humour was slightly off colour & certain behaviour I overlooked because he was just very lovely & sweet. It wasn't a dealbreaker to begin with.

Chachacha123
Thanks for the advice, I think I do need to focus elsewhere on interests/hobbies etc to balance my thoughts, doesn't help that I'm on mat leave still & have so much spare time to think.
I think we have this notion of marriage being perfect, it's far from it,

This idea that marriages always need to be great is ridiculous. Relationships are cyclical, and when you get to a longer relationship, you are going to come across times where you don't feel the same about your partner as you did at the beginning.

We aren't in a Disney movie. It's normal to not always be madly in love with someone, especially following periods of big change such as having a baby. A lot of the time, if BOTH parties are happy to engage and work on the relationship, it can recover completely (where it is a otherwise healthy and respectful relationship).

OP, you're the only one who can decide whether your marriage is worth the effort of trying to save, or if you even want to. But you aren't always going to be completely happy with any partner. That isn't me saying that your marriage can be saved - I have no idea either way. But before you choose make sure you consider that the next relationship is also likely to come to a similar point - where you have to choose to work on it and evolve, or leave.

EnglandKeepMyBones, best advice ever. Thank you x

@EnglandKeepMyBones

Perfect advice.

Normal relationships aren't a carnival every day. Those exciting guys are usually the cheaters, abusers, lodgers, that women get hung up on and screwed over by.

This other lad is just a fantasy.

Work on your marriage.

Yeah marriage is sometimes hard fucking work-especially when you throw kids into the mix. If you're with the wrong person then you'll feel less inclined to work through the rough. Only you can decide if your husband is the right person for you but please take the other person out of the equation whilst you think good & hard about it. It seems to me that you've built this man up in your head to be something he's most likely not-you don't, in reality, even know him so do yourself a favour & take him off the pedestal you've put him on.

You're right. And I think FB is damaging in some ways as most dress up their relationships & lives as perfect...then we draw comparisons with our own lives. I also felt this pressure to get married, I look back now & think I was still so young.

Thanks for your non-critical objective advice ladies, appreciate it x

Had a man posted this you'd be torn a new arsehole by now.

And how do you know everyone on this thread is a lady, OP?

The grass is always greener OP.

the grass is greener where you water it x