Cheaters - do I tell?

[InAQuandry]

I'm a regular poster but I've changed my name, not to protect me, but to protect the identities of the people I'm talking about, as I think a few people here know me (and possibly them) in RL.

Coming home from the pub last night, I saw someone I know in a sweaty clinch. She's married and so is the man she was with. I don't know him, but I do know his wife, who happens to be the best friend of the woman he was snogging. I also know her husband and some of his family members are good friends of mine. Me and a few friends have wondered for a while whether she was having an affair with this man, but she had denied it and no-one had any proof. Now I've seen it with my own eyes, how can I pretend that I didn't? I really don't want to be the one that detonates an explosion like this will be, but I really like the man's wife. Doesn't she deserve to know the truth??

I'm in a real quandry here guys, and hope you can help. What do I do?

(I realise this sounds like either a soap storyline or Dear Deirdre, but it is true!)

Yes she does but I don't think you should tell her. If you really want to intervene, tell your friend (the snogger), in private, what you saw.

I agree with Tinker. I think I'd be more inclined to tell the other woman (or the other man if you know him) that they've been seen. It may be enough to scare them into stopping whatever they are up to. If it was a one-off then it may make them stop and think before doing it again.

I actually thought that she saw me and half-expected her to ring me or come round, but no sign, so maybe she didn't. I don't know him. Think you're right, I'll speak to her. Gulp!

I HAVE PAID THE PRICE FOR TELLING MY VERY GOOD FRIEND AT THE TIME THAT HER PARTNER HAD BEEN UNFAITHFUL, I HAD ALL THE PROOF SHE NEEDED. WE HAVENT SPOKE SINCE AND THEIR STILL TOGETHER AND HAVE HAD ANOTHER CHILD. AS THE SAYING GOES, THEY ALWAYS SHOOT THE MESSENGER ,
MY PARTNER WAS ALSO UNFAITHFUL, I WAS TOLD BY A PERSON I HARDLY KNEW WHO HAD NO REASON TO HURT ME. I BELIVED THEM ALTHOUGH MY PARTNER DENIED IT! BUT I PERSUED IT UNTIL I GOT THE TRUTH, WE ARE STILL TOGETHER,AND I HOLD NO GRUDGE TOWARDS THE PERSON WHO TOLD ME IF ANYTHING I THINK IT TAKES ALOT OF COURAGE. AND IF I WAS IN THE SAME POSITION AGAIN TO PROTECT A FRIEND AFTER ITS BEEN DONE TO ME YES I WOULD EXPOSE A CHEAT 100% PERHAPS APPROACHING THE CHEAT FIRST. GIVING THEM CHANCE TO OWN UP BEFORE I GOT INVOLVED.

I agree it would be better to have a word with the woman you saw rather than the wife. It may end things and the wife could be saved a lot of heartache.

I once saw my boss' fiance with my sister's friend, and of course I didn't say anything, but the day the boss came and told me she had broken with her fiance because there was other woman involved I couldn't fake surprise, so dear boss (by then already ex-boss) asked me why I haven't tell her and I said she wouldn't have believed me, and she said "you are right." Curiously I think she regarded me as a discrete person because after that she started telling me about all her affairs...

In the other hand we knew about DS1's boyfriend cheating and told her about it, she was furious with us and asked her bf who denied everything. She knows now that we were not lieing but just in case she doesn't tell anything about her life, has put a wall between family and her personal life even when she is already married to another person and it's almost 15 years since then.

So, I wouldn't intervene at all, is not your business and the wife of this man may not even apreciate it, I would offer her support if she needs it the future.

I would tell, too, i would want to know if it was me in that position, but also i have been in your position too and didnt say anything but when it all came out she knew i had known what had been going on for months but hadnt told her and so we have barely spoke since.

I told a friend her fiance was cheating on her with a right little slapper, my best friend she was but didnt change the fact she was a slapper, anyway, the reason I told her was because she was planning to marry this man and was thinking of trying for a baby.
I thought I was doing the right thing.
How wrong I was, friend I told didnt believe me, best friend was outraged, and another friend who knew just as well as I did what was going on stood next to the fiancee and asked me why I was making it up????!!!!
Wouldnt do it again.

Blimey charliecat, seems to me you cant ever quite get it right, no ones gonna be happy at the end of the day.

One of my friends saw a girl we knew snogging someone else that wasnt her boyfriend. Her boyfriend was one of my closest friends, so when my friend told me about what she had seen, she thought I should tell him. I was against it, as I didnt think it was my place to tell. Well after much dilemma etc, I told him, and she of course denied it, and then started telling people I was trying to break them up as I was after him (how childish!). But lucky for me, he told her to stop spreading the rumours as he knew I was just looking out for his best interests, as he is like a brother to me.

I think if I was in that same situation now, I probably wouldnt say anything, unless Id confront the cheater first. Have you spoken to her InAQuandry?

Oh God! Yes, I've spoken to her. She did see me and she doesn't want me to tell. It's been going on for ages, she's 'in love'. She knows he's not going to leave his wife, but apparently she can't stop it. I'm so angry at her.

He's done this before apparently, and she knows it. She says his wife has known about a previous affair but doesn't know about this one. I just don't understand how she has the bare-faced cheek to be this woman's best friend and be shagging her husband at the same time.

What do I do now?

Dont know, what a prat of a man and the poor poor wife

personally unless it was my best friend i wouldn't get involved and wouldn't want anyone telling me-ignorance is bliss- spose i might threaten the husband but that might be a catalyst for all sorts. what would you want if you were the wife? if you'd want to be told then do unto others...
what about talking to a friend of the wife for advice, the wife may know and be waiting for this affair to blow itself out as well as the last one.she may not want her face rubbed in it.

IAQ,

Others may disagree but I would stay well clear of this situation - if this man is indeed a "serial" cheater his wife will know the signs. She is likely to have her suspicions and in my experience the messenger is very likely to be shot...

What is it with people?? - she says she knows he won't leave is wife, but why is he staying with his poor wife if he needs to get his jollies elsewhere, and more to the point, does your friend have so little self-esteem that she feels the need to have an affair with man who has done it before? very odd...

I would make an anonymous phonecall to the husband who isnt having an affair. He will confront his wife, she will tell the truth and then the husband will most probably confront the other wife (tell her). Or just ring anon and tell other wife. I dont know why people are like this

I would keep out of it too. I would only say something to the wife if she was a very close friend - but even then I'm not sure it would be the right thing to do. Really difficult situation

my bil got married on sat, and we recieved a phone call from a friend of the family telling us that the bride had been saying silly things like bil wasn't father of the baby and she was marrying him for his money. this "friend" who rang my husband wanted him to do something - he didn't know what- but he didn't want to see his friend ( my bil) get married to a decieving trollop.

we went to the wedding. we said nothing. we didn't get involved. think about it - who is going to thank you for getting involved? if this mans wife has forgiven him before she will do again. you will end up the nosey interfering bitch becuase they have to cover their heartbreak and embarressment whilst they carry on their lives. its not like they could ever speak to you again if you saw them at tesco

I would stay well clear. You may well have feelings about it, but that does not mean it is your responsibility or even your business. There's nothing you can do that will help or mend or rescue anything, anyway.

I think there is nothing you can do tbh. The woman knows you know and doesn't care, so she probably wouldn't stop even if the wife found out.