Choosing between a place you love and the person you love. I need advice please.

[Ferdagirls]

I have been in a relationship for almost 18 months to an amazing person, we have a mostly brilliant relationship. It's fair to say I am pretty besotted with my DP :) we were friends for 4 years prior to starting a relationship. We currently live together.

I love the town we live in. Neither of us grew up here. It has so much recreational activities, great community, great vibe. I'd happily live here forever. My DP hates it here, I believe this stems from a previous relationship where my now DP was basically belittled and ignored and just had a really bad experience. So basically DP wants out of this town.

I am so torn it is making me feel sick. I love where we live, I love my partner and the idea of choosing is difficult. We live in North America (both English though!) and basically if we moved it would be 7 hours away from current town. So not exactly half an hour down the road.

I would love any advice, any food for thought or , even better, someone to tell me what to do! I feel sick to my stomach thinking of moving from a place I love and where I've built a real life for the past 7 years, to losing someone I hope to marry in the future.

Might sound corny but I think home is where the heart is.
I suspect the issues may not be resolved by moving.
Does your partner feel on edge in case he bumps into his ex?

I think it would be easier to find another great place to live than to find another great partner.

I moved to a different country for my dh and left my family, friends, and city that I loved. I don't regret it but sometimes I do feel sad and wonder what life would have been if I'd found someone else and I could have stayed. You have to ask yourself if you'll feel resentful to move as that will end up killing the relationship. It's a tough choice but one only you can make.

It is much much easier to find another great town than another great life-partner. For a start there's much more info on the Web about towns. We love places that are full of associations with happy times. You will grow to love wherever you move to next.

I would have moved with my man anytime. However, I would want to know why exactly he hates him so much where you are. Could it indicate that you might not be as compatible as you think you are? Is it a case of you loving the buzz of a large city, going out in the evenings, theatre, shows etc... whereas he is the country, outdoor type, likes to do physical activity, enjoys quite, early nights early mornings etc...

What you don't want is to move somewhere where he gets on with all his activities and you end up home alone somewhere you hate and are bored to death on your own.

You really need to talk more, understand each other and look for a compromise if you are to be happy together.

Relationships (even the best ones) can be a bitch sometimes. It’s like if one of you wants kids and the other one doesn’t - there is no middle ground.

So you are supposed to give up an area that you love and presumably friendships? What about jobs? Would you get the same level of job / career prospects if you leave? I am uneasy about his explanation. Sure he had a bad relationship - but now he’s with you and it’s all great. If everyone left a city after a difficult relationship nobody would ever stay anywhere for long.

Moving might be the best thing ever, but could also be a disaster and you might never feel this content and be resentful (especially if he loves the new place and you don’t). I would dig around a little more about his reasons - and if you do go, make sure he understands how much he has asked of you and that you have made the sacrifice for the relationship - next time it’s his turn. I’ve seen too many women do this only to be bitter later when it hasn’t worked out (Sorry - I know that’s too cynical and depressing for the ‘loved-up’ start of a relationship but it’s happened to several of my girlfriends).

It's a bit weird to hate a place so much because you were belittled. Does he have friends? What about your jobs etc?

Maybe he should try counseling first before pulling up both his and yours life. Counseling would be a lot easier than just up and moving.

I imagine you both have jobs there.

I get the bit about hating a place and wanting to move somewhere else.

But seven hours away?!?!?!?!

Is there something special about the place he wants to move to?

Are you the kind of person who would resent him if it didn't work ?

If he is you're one true great live though you need to move or find a middle ground somewhere closer but not where you are.

The town seven hours away is where DP has a job interview so could be the potential new place. This job would come with a significant payrise.

Yes with the poster who says DP needs counselling in regards to the past relationship. It was more than belittling and ignoring, lots of soul destroying emotional abuse and ended with DPs ex having an affair.

It's so hard to know cos yes I could love the new place but I really LOVE LOVE LOVE where we live now and it would never cross my mind to leave. I actively don't want to leave.

Yes my partner is great but we are definitely hitting a rocky patch due to discussions over this potential move. But still, I want our lives together.

Did the previous bad relationship occur during the time you were friends for four years prior to becoming a couple?

Were you able to observe their relationship dynamics, or do you just have his version of events?

Imho, the hatred is still a connection to his ex. How often does this come up?

Is he just not ready to fully commit to another relationship since the bad relationship? I understand you have been together 18 months. Imho, this may be a sort of threshold to let a relationship go when one doesn’t want to go the distance. Is he subtly breaking up with you? (Or not so subtly- moving 7 hours away.)

I would say stay put. It sounds like you are the best version of yourself where you are- which translates into a better chance to meet someone else more compatible, or at least someone able to let the past be in the past.

I'd stay exactly where you are for now. A seven hour move is a long way, and something of an extreme reaction to not wanting to stay in the town you're in at the moment.

I'm perfectly sure there are plenty of other jobs within the 700 mile radius that he could apply for.

Suggest some counselling and if he's not receptive then I'd ask myself if he's using the past relationship as an excuse because he just wants to move.

He might not get the job.

If you are the kind of person who is generally happy wherever you live (and Jair based on this post I think you are), then you'll be happy and active in the new place if he gets the job.

I would never break up over this as long as you can find new work you like in the new place and you can both afford the move. He should pay a bit more if you are accommodating him.

Yes, the bad relationship DP had was when we were friends. I did see some of it but of course, the severe parts and most of it was behind closed doors.

We had an amazing day yesterday together and it just solidified to me that we do have a great relationship. Someone said maybe DP is trying to dump me by wanting to move so far away but I don't think that is it, DP has said I should come with and the reason it's a problem is because we want to be together but in different places!

I know the idea of moving seven hours away seems crazy but where we live in, it's not massive. We would be in the same state as we are now, just a different town. It's a particular industry in this town that is the draw for DP (think big machinery digging things up! Not a regular office job at all)

I feel like I am swaying towards going with DP. it's just hard and takes a while to digest.

Why does it have to be his choice and not yours? He expects you to move 7 hours from a place you love for no good reason. Would he massively put himself out for you for no good reason? Think about it. You really need to talk about this, and impress on him how much you dread making that move. Sounds like there is more to it than you know on his side. I wonder if he's being totally honest.

How old are you both?

Do you both have US citizenship? What were your long term plans, before dating your bf?

What would work opportunities for YOU be like in the (city?) he wishes to move to?

I stayed in London when I would have preferred to move back to my home city, which was possible workwise, because of my then bf (now DH) and it did cause arguments and resentment on my part. Essentially, the relationship continuing was contingent upon me living where he wanted to, when he wouldn’t do the same for me.

I did this (ok, it's England so not that far really) but what we did was we took a good year to decide if that place was right for us. We took week long holidays in summer and winter so we could see if we still loved the place in miserable weather. We visited the town during market days and other busy times to see if we could cope with the traffic. We stayed in the rundown part of town as well as the nice bits.

You don't say if either of you have been to this place before, if you intend to buy or rent or if either of you have your dream jobs either where you are or where you want to go.

With regards to the "should I go because my man wants me to" aspect - only you can decide that. I would suggest doing what I did and at the end of it you will at least be able to make an informed decision.

If you don’t have US citizenship, or don’t wish to stay in the US long term, there are even bigger Qs.

Ah sorry, I missed the part about digging things up being the job. Daft question, is it gold mining?

What do you do work wise? Would you get a similar job at the new town?

I agree that you'd get to like another town and that this would be easier than finding a new partner if current one is working well for you.

I heard a corny saying too, something like it’s not “could you live in x place with dp, but it’s whether you could live without in any place without him”. That’s clumsily put but I hope the meaning comes across.

I’d rather live anywhere with dh, than utopia without him.

Reciprocity is also important, though.

I'm noticing the absence of pronouns in the OP's posts. So I am wondering if it's relevant that LGBT scenes and communities are relatively small - perhaps OP's partner would like to move away from one where everyone knows about what happened with the ex and hears stuff the ex said.