Please help - is it me? am I going mad?

[Darkerthanblue]

Hi

I’m in need of some honest answers please, I can’t see wood for trees.

Together 17 years
3 DS 9,7,2

He’s always been the one with all the power in the relationship, I’m usually quite weak, emotional and will try to stand up for myself but back down for an easy life or get muddled when arguing and. can’t get my point across and loose what I was thinking in the first place.

To try and give a balanced view - he says I am emotional wreck and never approach things in right way and am negative. (No one else in my life says this but I can see I have got into a bit of a negative cycle with him from experience)

Things been going downhill even more lately as he doesn’t seem to care what I think. For example he plays sport twice a week which takes him out all weds night 6-10.30 and from 12 noon to 10pm Saturday. Then on Sunday he helps at the local boating club as we live near the sea teaching local kids. (Not our
Kids) then the rest of the week he is out taking my eldest to various sports activities and he helps out at those too cubs, rugby etc

On a Friday he takes son out to clubs then goes drinking and gets in around 11.

This leaves me with the other kids all the time
Which although is hard work is not a problem (I love my kids) but he never even consults with me or gives me a second thought. Plus it leaves me no time to go out or do anything unless I book well in advance with him or ask my sister to help who lives nearby. We both work full time. I earn the main income.

It was my birthday last month and the day before he fell out with me (I bought a guinea pig cage as a bday present for myself but I knew he didn’t want ginea pigs so I know that was a risk and my fault) on the actual day he sorted the kids some flowers and choc to give me then thrust a card at me from him muttered happy birthday then ignored me for the rest of the day. When I asked him why he was ignoring me over something so trivial he said he wasn’t ignoring me and refused to see my point of view and kept harping on about Guinea pigs. TBH I don’t give a shit whether we have guinea pigs or not anymore I was more upset about the way he was with me over the cage, he told me to take it back, swore and roughly turfed it out of house so it broke which I think was completely irrational. Told me he’d smash it if I brought it back in (this was said in anger not sure he actually would)

Then today I have had a long day at work I got up early to sort the kids out whilst he lay in bed, he got up five minutes before I was leaving and just got himself ready and left for work, I got the kids to school got myself to work then rushed back to get them from the childminder and get them home for tea and bath. He got in from work and went straight out in the garden doing jobs instead of helping inside house and then I made us dinner.

I just feel generally un appreciated and if I try and talk to him he just yells and says I am having a go at him.

He does have lots of good qualities, the kids love him he is great with them and other people seem to think he is great. (Apart from my close friends and I keep most things from my family as don’t wasn’t to worry them)

I need honest unbiased answers over whether the above is just part of life and I should get myself together or if I do have a point and he doesn’t really care about me

Sorry this is so long!

There are loads of other examples but I can’t think straight at moment.

Last week things came to a head, I had bought a guinea pig house for garden and for kids, he had previously said he didn’t want them but didn’t think that wasn’t big deal.

I think you're in an abusive relationship.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme - that should get your head straight.

I'm so glad you're the main earner - yay!

It seems like he has checked out of your marriage.

If he won't talk about it then ot unlikely it will get better.

How long has it been gong on? What age is?

Just do what you want... there no pleasing some people.

Get rid of him and get the guinea pigs! I can’t be any straighter than that.

He sounds horrible OP. You’re already the main earner and do all the childcare so what positives does he bring to your life? I can’t see any. The only good points you mention are things he does for other people, not you.

My god you are putting up with an awful unequal disrespectful selfish unappreciative shit of a husband.

Thanks everyone for your replies it means lot.

To answer how long it’s been going on it’s pretty much always been like this to one degree or another but I honestly feel like perhaps I am not putting his side across very well. I’m 35 he is 41. He does still earn a good wage and he does lots of DIY as well as outdoor jobs/gardens.

He says I am like a broken record and would never be happy no matter what he did. Even as I am typing this I know that’s not true though - I think it’s quite easy to make me happy - just thoughtfulness and kindness.

You are right though things won’t get better if we can’t communicate but I honestly don’t know how to talk to him in a way that won’t get his back up.

We had counselling a few years ago which was good but went back to usual soon after it stopped. He won’t waste money going again.

Thanks for this link

You are in an abusive relationship with your H as Springy states. This individual cares only for his own self, not you and not his kids either.

Do contact Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and enrol yourself onto their Freedom Programme.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control. This man wants absolute over you and in turn your kids. The fact too that you write both about his earning a good wage and does a lot of DIY/garden jobs to show how good he is shows me just how low your relationship bar is; its practically non existent. He is doing the barest of bare minimums here.

Joint counselling is never actually recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship, such men think they are doing nothing wrong here and do not listen to anyone. That is primarily why it failed. Counselling for you alone would be helpful to get your thoughts together.

He is simply projecting his own self onto you and like many abusive men too also seems plausible to those in the outside world. Abuse like you describe as well thrives on secrecy so you covering up and for him is doing you no favours either. How supportive are your own parents here?.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and just what are they learning here from the two of you?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Would you want your kids as adults to have a relationship like yours is; no you would not. If its not good enough for them its not good enough for you either. This could also damage your own relationship with them as adults if you chose to stay with him because they could wonder of you why you put their abusive dad before them.

He's bullying you and it's just awful. Abusers like him often put on a front to the rest of the world so everyone thinks they're great but he doesn't treat you with the respect you deserve.

He sounds dreadful, OP. He sounds like an angry man who is not interested in you or your marriage. So sorry.

Tell him that you're seeing the end of your marriage coming and it doesn't matter if he thinks you're getting at him, it doesn't change that. Ask him what seperating looks like and where you go from here.

You would probably do better on your own from the sounds of it.

Have a read of the Lundy Bancroft book - Why does he do that?
But what you need is an exit plan.
This is no way to live.
And it's certainly not the example of a relationship you should be modelling to your boys.
They grow up to be just like their dad unless you put a stop to it.
Show them women are strong and independent and we certainly don't need MEN like this in our lives.
Time for you now.
You've put up with this shit for long enough.

Sorry you're going through this. There are obviously problems between you, but regardless, nobody should he treated the way he's treating you. You can't live the rest if your life with someone who behaves like this.

This might sound an awful thing to say but he dosent want to be married to you anymore...

Is there any affection at all
When do you spend time with each other
What are you getting out of this relationship ?

So he gets to do all his hobbies and what he wants and you have to do everything else and Not allowed to question him?? What a wanker

Thanks for your replies it is really helping to clear my head.

To those who say they don’t think he wants to be married to me anymore I think you are right. I think the only reason he is still here is because of the kids, he adores them and they him.

With regards to affection - he says ‘I NEVER give him any, I NEVER come near him, I am a fridge and am awful to him’ . This is a massive generalisation. I am a really affectionate person but I think I have just withdrawn over the years. I do make an effort to give him affection sometimes, we have sex about twice a month sometimes more sometimes less if we’ve argued. I think sex for him is all about the sex there is no love or affection with it. He regularly just comes up to me and gropes me which if done at the right time and occasionally would be fun but when it’s done often and that’s the only contact you get from him it is just really offputting and annoying. When I tell him to get off he takes that as me not wanting to know him even though I’ve tried to explain how I feel. I feel the only time he is nice to me is when he wants sex. When I tell him that I want more loving affection he just says I am never happy and closes it down.

Sex is a massive thing for him and if I was to do it loads with him I think things would get a bit better. He says sex makes him feel close to me - but for me sex at the moment just leaves me cold. I feel guilty I don’t have more sex with him, I know i could make more effort but I am just sick of the one always having to make the effort. I know sex shouldn’t be an effort by the way but I’m so busy with work and kids it does feel like that sometimes.

When I say I want sex to be more loving occasionally he says life isn’t like the movies.

He also thinks I don’t do enough round the house what he deems ‘womanly touches’ like pictures/decor etc - but I honestly feel I do, I have picked most things in the house and do all the shopping, cooking, washing, cleaning (although I admit I could do more cleaning and tidying). Every now and again he will just erupt and start tidying up and doing all the things he perceives I should have done whilst he was busy doing other jobs. But I am only human, I can do more but am not a robot.

We don’t really go out together just the two of us as we don’t have much spare money at the moment, when we do go out I haven’t really enjoyed it that much the past few times and when we go out in a group with friends I hate it as he just tends to speak to everyone but me.

I know I would be okay in time on my own with the kids but I can’t face the thought of only having 50% of my life with my kids and the other half they are with him. The thought makes me feel physically sick.

I also feel like there are weeks where things are okay and I forget what I am bothered about and can’t verbalise it and then it just flares up again and the whole thing goes round in a circle.

The man barely sees his kids now. He's not going to want 50% with them. Aside from anything, the kids will be thinking this is how you should be in a relationship and will be damaging them.

Has he always busied himself to avoid spending time with you?

He isn't bothered about fixing it. From what you have said I get the impression he just isn't interested in you as a person. No love, no warmth, no affection, no time together.

As regards sex, and womanly touches in the home like.....er vases of flowers, pictures, whatever......these two things I think are linked in some way for him. He thinks you should be feminine, sexy, pleasing to him, not nagging, make few demands on him,......and you have said so yourself "if I had more sex I think it would be better" I think you are possibly correct, he might show more interest in you. This is a given. And it works. However why would you want his attention anyway, he's proven himself to be a selfish, hateful, nasty, violent, bullying pig.

If you insist on staying where you are I think you need to get tough. I would stop any pleading (that's nagging) no repeatedly asking for anything from him, no asking to talk. I don't ask to speak....I just do, and with men it's best to just tell it how it is, keep it simple. I'd start by telling him you are buying guinea pigs. He doesn't have to like it. Then I'd find activities I wanted to do, and tell him he will give up one activity a week to facilitate this. I would insist that both of you have the same disposable income for hobbies, and tell him he can't expect to have so many hobbies spending family resources. I would then say "we will have sex when you can behave in a way that proves you love me" until then I will be having a ball with my kids, pets, friends, new hobby and time off"

Ultimately it seems though that you are incompatible. He's lost interest and lost respect for you. He knows it. His behalf is testimony to it. If you continue as you are it can only get worse.

*his behaviour
Stoopid phone

Have you talked to him about it? It’s very important for couples to have seperate hobbies but you need some time together and some time to do your own thing

he sounds absolutely awful! get out while you can, you are so young. fuck him! i promise in time you will find someone new who makes you question how the hell did i put up with that for so long. even though thats not your priority right now of course, but know your worth!! and i also agree with a previous poster. its a bad example for the kids, how would you feel if your sons were this way with their wives, or you had a daughter who put up with this and always felt like she was muddled and like she never did enough even though she was doing more than half of all of the effort in the family life! instead teach your kids a lesson, that life is short and happiness is important! you would hate for them to stay in a job they hated, or a relationship or stay in a house they hated for fear of change. show them that happiness is important and that youve tried to work it out but you couldnt so you choose to be strong and push for more, for everyone involved!

I recommend you read the verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans as it will highlight his tactics.

Being defensive, blaming, stonewalling..as you said in your opening " he has always had more power" this is what he wants, power over you.Good relationships have mutuality but it can't exist when he needs to feel dominate.

The silly thing is, as the main earner and the doer of all the useful things in the household, you are the one with the real power. He just throws his weight around to stop you realising it.

Sorry this is happening to you OP

I would suggest that in his mind, he is putting effort in, but it’s clearly in the completely wrong areas and he doesn’t understand you and your particular needs.

It sounds like you have told him this and he has shut you down many times.

I would suggest you try to find a way to make him understand. Perhaps tell him clearly and calmly (without it sounding like a complaint or attack) how he should be treating you, and somehow get across that this is currently destroying the marriage for you (not sure if possible I can leave for day 2 weeks?). Faced with such a prospect, there is a chance he can change / improve.

Thank you to everyone for your replies I really appreciate it, it’s helped to put things into perspective in my head xx