Have I let my DD down? will this have distressed her and what can I do to help her?

[usernamefromhell]

Background is that my ex and I separated two and a half years ago and are in the process of getting divorced. He is a problem drinker, has had mental health problems and was abusive to me (not physically but financially and emotionally). He moved out when we split but lived locally. He's been a bit of a shit father in many ways (refuses to pay anything towards the upkeep of his child and does minimal childcare and always very grudgingly), but we are still reasonably amicable, all things considered, and he has a good relationship with his DD.

For reasons I won't go into for fear of outing myself he found himself in a situation where he temporarily had nowhere to live so I allowed him to stay with us for two weeks. I didn't want to but the alternative would have been a hostel and I didn't want him to be on the streets or sleeping in his car. He's now just moved out again, to my immense relief.

It was OK having him staying here: not ideal and uncomfortable for me but no major dramas or fighting and we rubbed along OK. My DD (who is 7) seems reasonably unconcerned about his departure -- I asked her how she felt about having had him to stay and she said she was a little sad he can't live with us but otherwise hasn't manifested any signs of distress.

I just wonder whether this brief period of having him here under our roof will have distressed her or if there are any signs I should look out for that she is troubled or upset? I was quite anxious about not wanting to send any signals that he was moving back permanently and was upfront with her that it was just for a couple of weeks and she accepted that, but I can't help wondering if it will be traumatic and difficult for her. She hasn't lived with him since she was four so I don't know how much of living with him properly she remembers.

Has anyone else been through the same or have any thoughts? I feel v guilty about it but also that I wasn't prepared to leave him homeless.

if she doesnt seem distressed, then shes likely fine.

You were clear with her in advance that it was temporary, so I can't see any scope for it to have been traumatic.

Whilst it's admirable you wanted to protect him from homelessness, I'm curious what you would do if this situation repeats itself? Considering he was abusive (and the fact he did not become physically abusive is irrelevant), it concerns me a little that you would let him live with you again for any reason. It just seems like opening yourself up to getting sucked back into his cycle of abuse.

Living in a hostel for two weeks wouldn't have been great, but why did you feel it was your responsibility to step in and save him from himself? Where do you and your needs factor into that equation?

What if he gets himself into a more difficult situation and is looking at long term in a hostel? Will you feel obligated to let him live with you again?

I'm asking these questions, because I'm wondering if you are having some of the same thoughts and that these are actually what's driving your anxiety about the impact on your DD. If not, maybe these are things you should spend some time thinking about.

You mention financial abuse. Putting you in a position where you felt you had no choice but to let him live with you (for free btw?) sits uncomfortably close to a continuation of his previous abusive patterns.

What boundaries do you have with him? Or is he ultimately still calling the shots in your life? What do you want to teach your DD about what to tolerate in her relationships?

What about the impact on your daughter of seeing her mum roll over to somebody who is abusive (even if you don't think he was on this occasion), letting them steamroll all over her boundaries and living in her house even though it made her uncomfortable? Children are very perceptive, there is no way she would not have picked up on that.

I understand that you're clearly a very caring person, and as I said that's admirable, but you can't save everyone and it's not your job to save the world. Shouldn't the priority be to protect yourself and your DD from someone who is abusive and a severely inadequate father? How does moving him in when he gets himself into bother consistent with that?

Whose needs are your priority?

To be clear, I don't think you've done anything to traumatise your daughter here. Unless you missed out something major.

However, I do think you need to take a serious look at the boundaries you are setting with your abusive ex, and how you stick to them. As well as the excuses you make/accept for his behaviour (blaming alcohol and mental illness for abuse is common, and also false).

(I'm also still confused how a man who "grudgingly" does "minimal childcare" can genuinely have a "good relationship" with his child. Do you just mean he doesn't directly mistreat her when he is with her, compared to how he treated you? The bar seems set pretty low here.)

On the face of it you still seem to be caught in his web.

What support did you have in the aftermath? Counselling? Freedom Programme? Self help books? Nothing?

gruffalina your question about boundaries is a fair one: for context he has had fairly severe mental health problems and at various points has been on the brink of suicide. His mental health is better now to the extent that he is stable, but I suppose I feel that while I don't have a legal or emotional responsibility to him I owe it to him as the father of my child to make sure he is not on the streets.

He's definitely not calling the shots in my life: I have walked away with sole responsibility for my child and my home and, post the financial settlement, I am in a good place, surrounded by friends and support, with a good job and financially secure. He is in a better place than a year ago but still has financial and emotional problems and is only barely able to look after himself.

I have a walk a very difficult line between wanting to be extremely clear that our marriage is over and that he will not creep back into our lives, but also wanting him to remain on good terms with his daughter. The elephant in the room is also childcare -- I work very long hours and rely on him to do occasional pick-ups and drop offs and he uses this to bully me. The reality is, though, that without the kind of wraparound childcare which would be unaffordable, this isn't going to change any time soon.

You're right that I don't always get the boundaries right and in hindsight I should probably have made a cleaner break but I have prioritised his relationship with our daughter.

I did have some counselling when the marriage ended and it was helpful. I don't think its really an issue for the Freedom Programme: I'm very clear that I have a much better life without him than I did with him and am far, far happier now. It's really more a mixture of logistical dependence and compassion and wanting to get the balance right between maintaining a good relationship with him for her sake and not getting dragged into doing things which are no longer my remit. I'm very clear on how things should work, but in practice I sometimes do get dragged into providing help which I maybe shouldn't.

My ex partner was in a very similar situation- his ex (his kids mum) found herself in a very difficult housing circumstamces. Their 2 children live with him, and he offered (with my support) for her and her 2 other children to stay for a few weeks. Whilst it didn't happen in the end, he sat down with his 2 and talked it over with them before when it looked very likely- how they would feel about it, that it was definitely not a case of them getting back together etc, practicalities, why he was doing it- and if anything I think it taught them a bit about compassion. They were a bit older than your daughter but they were still primary age.

Whilst exdps previous relationship had not been abusive, I doesn't sound like your daughter understands that yours was and so she will just have seen her lovely Mum being kind to someone else she also loves, her Dad. This happened with exdp- his children saw their Dad being very kind indeed to someone they loved hugely (even if only in spirit in the end as their new home came about quicker than expected and so they didn't stay in the end) and they simply absorbed the fact that their dad was ready to help someone who made 50% of them when he didnt love his ex, he was prepared to do it because just they loved her and their siblings. I think you did a very good thing OP.

I understand what other posters have said about boundaries and this makes a lot of sense but in this one off situation (hopefully it is just one off) I would hope that your daughter takes something positive from it. She won't understand the context and she night not remember the circumstances long term but your kindness to someone she loves will remain.

I think even at 7 she would also understand however if her dad became homeless again if you explained that he couldn't stay this time!

Aquatic thanks: that's more or less how I hope she perceives it. Above all I want her not to see us fighting or being unpleasant to one another.

She will also remember her mum standing up for herself and not accepting behaviour that is just taking the piss...