How do I move on?

[JParkson]

How do you get over a relationship?!

I've only ever had 2 serious relationships in my life; 1st was the man I married, and now divorced from. 13 years, 3 kids. I still have contact with him because of our children. But I was able to move on from him in terms of loving/caring for him easily due to the circumstances.

My 2nd, however, is killing me. We broke up just after Easter. Nearly 3 years. A little on/off but it was needed whilst I was getting back on my feet after leaving exH.

We had some trust issues towards the end, but essentially he shut down on me, claiming the spark had gone, and he didn't know what to do about it.

After pushing to move in with me.

I ended it even though I wanted to fight for him so badly. But he just threw up wall after wall. Shrugged off everything and pretty much walked away. Said he cared about me but didn't want to be with me any more.

I know I'm better off with out him. I'm guessing you'll say there are better men out there but I'm really struggling to let him go.

Physically I've cut all ties. He lives 30 miles away, so not much chance of bumping into him by accident. No social media. Blocked his number.

I avoid looking at photos of him for now. I've got loads of him and the kids. But I don't go through them.

But every now and again it catches me. A thought, a song, a movie quote.

I could cheerfully shoot Ed Sheeran and his Perfect song....

I'm a bloody mess.

I want to forget him so much but the harder I try the more I can't.

Please help?

I'm ok at work on the whole. If I keep busy I can manage. I don't let go in front of the kids. Or at least I hide it if it does catch me.

But in the quiet hours (ha!) when the kids are in bed and before I go to bed.... when we'd spend our time together.

It hurts. It fucking hurts.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

If you broke up in April, and you were dating for 3 years, I think you will be through the worst of the heartache by the autumn.

Someone once told me, for every year you spend with someone, the break up will take twice that long in months to work through emotionally.

So if you broke up in April and were together for 2 years, in 4 months (August) you will be feeling a lot better.

Obviously it's different for every individual - but I've held onto this as a comforting "rule of thumb" that assures me that whatever happens, I will be okay.

I'm sorry, I mixed up the length of time you were together. But please do believe in yourself, you will get past this and you will be all the stronger for the struggle.

Nope, you got it right. Would have been 3 years this month.

I hope so; I'm hoping this is the last big push to get me past him and out the other side.

I've never felt this way about someone except when I've lost a baby, and a very much loved pet

I have lost people very close to me, and I have lost much loved family members pets, but I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. Just for being here right now, you are stronger than many others.

Have you looked into CBT techniques? Can be very useful for telling yourself "OK, I'm going to give myself 10 minutes to think about the pain of losing X. Then I'm going to give myself 20 ,minutes of not thinking about anything/cooking/cleaning/doing an adult colouring book"

Thank you.

Yes, I think that's a good idea. I've plugged as many gaps as I can with activities to help distract me, but I've not actually given myself a deliberate slot to grieve.

And I think that's what it is; a grieving process.

Just feels so frustrating and confusing.

One minute everything is cruising along and I'm super happy and content, then bam, he's upped sticks and gone without a backward glance over his shoulder.

I just don't get how someone who professes to care so much, can do that.

Sigh. Therein lies the route to madness I suppose.