How on earth do you find the confidence to date if you are a very late starter?

[DictionaryCornerGirl]

I'm nearly 30 and I've never had a relationship. I've never even kissed a man

I have absolutely no confidence at all and I don't know how to get started. I did go to clubs in my early twenties but I didn't know what to do when men looked at me My single friends are all on Bumble and Tinder but I feel so embarrassed about putting my photograph up. I hate having photos taken of myself to start with. No one would ever choose me.

Even if they did, I don't think I could kiss them or do anything else until I knew them, and I don't think many men would put up with that sort of waiting around.

I so badly want a relationship, but I don't know how to get one.

ok ill have a go..

I'm a man,,my best advice is just be yourself. If you go to meet someone make the first meet a coffee, no longer than 45 mins. Just be yourself, thats the best way and thats what you are best at.

No one likes having their pics taken. I dont. We are very often far too critical and hard on ourselves.

There is no set menu to meeting people. It isnt the case that you are obliged to kiss or anything like that.

I think you’re overthinking it, which is understandable if you’ve never been in a relationship.

Clearly you need to work on your self esteem. What makes you think nobody would ‘choose’ you? Where does that idea come from?

If you go into OLD with the idea that you’re no good, you’ll come away feeling dreadful.

What are your good qualities? Any talents? What do you like about yourself? Start believing in yourself. You are the prize.

Even if they did, I don't think I could kiss them or do anything else until I knew them, and I don't think many men would put up with that sort of waiting around.

1. you’ll know when it feels right to kiss someone. It’s not something that any great thought goes into, it just happens naturally. And it’s lovely

2. any man who won’t ‘put up’ with waiting for you to feel comfortable is not worth the time of day.

Just be yourself

I'm not so sure that would attract anyone

I am so bloody awkward and clumsy. And I'm not good at small talk. I just feel that someone would settle for me, not want me.

Theres' a lid for every pot ..

Do you have male friends/have you ever had male friends

Why do you think you have never had a relationship?

Maybe you need a different approach to clubs and online dating. This may sound like a cliché but join some clubs / societies connected to things you are interested in and just get to know lots of people.

Also you haven't mentioned what sort of people you like. Another approach would be to think about what sort off people you like and the non-dating types of places you might find them.

Relationships don't have to start with dating / clubs. They can start by getting to know someone over several weeks / months.

Just to clarify I mean instead of clubbing /night clubs try interest-group type clubs to find people with common interests.

Do you have male friends/have you ever had male friends
No, never. I work in early years so don't encounter many men.

Why do you think you have never had a relationship?
I always thought it would just happen... like when I worked during uni, or when I went out with my friends. That's how most of my friends met their OHs.

I know now I need to work on it. I already go to yoga and I learned sign language for a while. I just seem a bit defective in the relationships line.

Have you thought about joining a ‘Meet Up’ group? Do a search for them in your local area. There are loads around covering all sorts of interests. If you join one of those you will get to meet new people and those new people may lead to you meeting other new people and also get you used to interacting with men and then your confidence will grow.

You can do this!

I'm in the same boat OP. Only I'm even older than you. Always assumed it was something that would inevitably happen but never did.... I guess a lot to do with my lack of self-confidence. Then it snowballs into something that you become absolutely terrified of doing or getting into.

I don't have any advice for you but just know you're not alone.

My advice would be to start working on things at a very tiny level. There's no sense in jumping into dating if you're not feeling good about yourself and your confidence. So, the next time you go to the shops, for example, think about the transaction with the shopkeeper as a very short relationship and try to build up your confidence. Ask a question like 'have you had a busy day?' or something similar. It doesn't need to be earth-shattering but you can use those small instances to grow your confidence. It might be worth writing some notes about these little conversations into a notebook. Try complimenting someone once a day and see their reaction. See, if you can do that you'll start to believe in yourself a bit more - that you have a bit more value than you're expressing at the moment. You'll have to put in some work at this but you'll start to feel good and in no time interesting things will happen to you :) I speak from experience!

Have a go at that and tell us how you get on :) Take good care of yourself...

I was like you a few years ago OP. I hadn’t had a major relationship until I was 29. It certainly became an issue for me and I was very conscious that I was a late starter.

However, I do think I grabbed the first man who came along and showed any interest in me. Whilst I’m happy that I got the ‘intimacy thing’ out of the way and we are still together, I have a number of regrets.

The man I’m with is not at all who I imagined I would end up with. I think our relationship is slowly running it’s course.

What I’m saying is know your worth. You are a worthy person who deserves to be happy. Don’t settle for the first person you meet. Unless of course he is Mr Right!

Hi OP. I'm a man (in my 30s) and wondered if you would appreciate some male advice. Firstly, I think you need to believe in yourself. There will be a man out there who will want to choose you. You've got friends, a job. You work in early years, so you are probably not motivated by money, empathetic and caring. These are all good, attractive qualities. I'm sure your friends could point to many more good things about you - ask them! Many people are not good at small talk and are clumsy (I know I am) - it doesn't prevent relationships. Being confident in and about yourself is a very attractive quality.

You said something interesting in your post, which was that you just assumed it would happen. My single female friends in their 30s have all been waiting for a man to come along, spot them and ask them out. But that doesn't necessarily happen - most men I know are really quite shy and afraid of making the first move without some signal the woman is interested in them. Most of the couples I know knew each other in real life, as friends of acquaintances, before getting together.

If OLD isn't right for you, you obviously need to put yourself in situations where you will meet compatible, single men. That means e.g. sports clubs, walking groups, book clubs etc (whatever is your interest). These would also be a good way of getting your confidence up about speaking to men, in a neutral, non-dating setting. Yoga may be too female dominated a pursuit for this purpose.

If you work in Early Years, could you talk to the Dads of children - not as a way of finding a date, but just as a way of getting confidence about talking to men before dating? Tell them something interesting about what their children did; ask about their day etc.

When you are in a setting where you have single men you might be interested in, you need to subtly let them know you are available. So e.g. make a comment that shows you are single without being too obvious about it. Otherwise men will assume you are attached and not want to bother you. Be interested in what they say (assuming it is interesting!) and engage them in conversation about your mutual activity etc. Again, if you are too shy, men will assume you're just not into them (though coy shyness can be attractive).

I hope this helps, and good luck. You will find someone!

Also, when you come across men !! remember to think about how they are feeling and how you could help them. You are working with little boys - which is how men start off - so you have some insight into male psychology!

Just as a follow up to my earlier.post, it also occurred to me - if you don't know any men, your friends partners will. You could ask your friends for help in finding suitable guys, who would then come pre-screened. Eg they could invite you both to a social activity.

Whatever you do OP, don't go round starting awkward conversations with random strangers and then write them down afterwards in a notebook, surely no one ever had to do that to get some action?

I know how you feel op. I'm shit at small talk and for some reason especially when talking to a man I clam up and ovetthink what I'm saying ( even if I'm not attracted). However when I don't overthink things I talk more freely and can show who I am more easily.
I've been married and am in a relationship now so trust me if I can do it, you definetly can.