What is wrong with me?

[Snowwhiteapple]

Hi, I left my STBXH two and a half years ago and there wasn’t a doubt in my mind I’d done the right thing.

He was EA and after years of putting up with his behaviour I realised I had really lost myself. I concentrated in myself and the children and although there were times I may have wobbled I kept telling myself I’d done the right thing.

I recently met a lovely man who is the opposite of my ex. Loyal, interesting and gives me peace of mind. I am attracted to him and things are going fine.

The problem is, lately I’ve been comparing him to my ex and for the life of me I can’t work out why. My ex is very good looking, successful and outgoing and I hate to admit it but sexually we were made for each other.

My current partner is caring, reassures me when I’m anxious and not so flashy I suppose.

I know I’m better off with my current partner but I don’t seem to be able to give it my all as my ex is in my head. He still has the ability to make me weak at the knees to look at and I hate myself for it because it is just so superficial.

I am 100% sure I would never get back with him, in fact we are getting divorced but why on earth am I feeling like this? I spent a good while on my own and feel ready to be with someone new so can’t work these feeling out.

Any advice to talk some sense into me?

I think when you've been in an abusive marriage, you get used to that.

Dysfunctional is exciting

Normal is a bit boring.

When you're 80 and putting each other's teeth in a cup, nobody is going to care what their partners look like or how outgoing and successful they were. You'll remember and care about how loyal, kind, caring he is and the good memories you made over the years. That's mature love.

perhaps your head is running comparisons to check that you don't make the same mistakes again?

I think we all seek out certain behaviours and traits in people. Spending time learning why can be a helpful step to understand your motivations or reasons for finding abuse attractive. Maybe spend some time in therapy before embarking on a relationship

I had similar Op , I dated some men after having my physically abusive ex removed from the house by the police and couldn't stop comparing them to him . I seemed to have forgotten all the black eyes he had given me. This is why I think it's so important to get counselling after an abusive relationship because so many women make the same mistake and end up either going back or finding themselves with another abusive man. It's all about breaking the pattern .

I understand. I agree with all your advice. It’s just frustrating as I know he is wrong for me in all respects.

My current partner is everything I could hope for and so trustworthy that I feel as secure as I could be.

This is why I’m so frustrated with myself as when ex picks up the kids I feel like I want him again but it’s just the physical attraction. I’m not shallow at all so can’t understand it.

My advice is to get some counselling or even explore it with your existing counsellor.

It might be worth adding we were together for 18 years so that could be a factor!

I'd advise you to consider some counselling maybe through relate to look at why you are more attracted to an abusive partner. It may be you're conditioned this way due to something in your history

When you think in a certain way for a long time you form habit passages to those thoughts and it changes the chemistry of your brain. You were training your brain in your past relationship and now need to reroute those thoughts.

Yes lemonys tat makes sense because everything I ever wanted and prayed for with my ex, I’ve now got tenfold in my new partner. I’d be foolish to throw that away. I truly couldn’t ask for a better man.

I need to retrain how I think and appreciate what I’ve got now.