In a relationship over the internet, but starting dating someone in real life. Advice please.

[BlueSugarHut]

Hi,

Since I was 16 (now 24) I've had an online friend that I met through an interest group on Facebook. I can't explain how I do feel about him, I appreciate it's only online, but we have obviously FaceTimed and called a hell of a lot. We have just shared so much with each other over the years. I feel very close to him. He lives in a different country which is why I think we haven't met. It's also been slightly my fault as I've never wanted to meet and it ruins everything. We have been a thing for a while, sexting etc.

I haven't ever dated anyone in the whole time I've known him, I used to be very overweight and lack a lot of confidence because of my size.

I have lost a lot of weight over the last year. I just feel like since losing weight, other men are now interested yet thought all these years no one has been but yet the person online had never cared about my size.

I have met someone and I've gone on a couple of dates, nothing intimate yet or anything like that, but part of me feels like this is what I want with the person I've been speaking to on FaceTime all these years, I'm always thinking about him. Do you think I have to just put in a huge effort to go and see him? He needs a visa to visit the UK and it's far easier for me to go there. I just think if I meet him and do love him, how hard does that make our future? As we are in different countries.

I don't know if any of this makes sense but any advice would be great.

If you can afford to get a ticket to visit then go for it! Otherwise you'll always just be wondering what might have been

Is he from a different culture to you? Sometimes things can be more apparent when you're actually together. Surely he could get a visitor's visa?

Why can't he get a visa? Does he have a criminal record?

Oh he can get a visa, but as I don't need one, it would be easier for me to visit him.

An internet relationship is not a relationship. If either of you wanted to progress it instead of fantasising for years, then you would have at least met. Putting your life on hold for a dream is ludicrous. As bad as not progressing as you can't deal with the possible reality that all isn't what it seems.

People don't only date and marry people from or in their home country. If you'd wanted to make it happen then you would have

@MistressDeeCee Agree will never understand how people waste years of their lives on fantasy.

Neither one of them made the effort to visit in all those years, and that says everything.

I think the Internet and real life can be different. If you get on well over the net it may not translate into getting on well in person, hence the reason why it's always good to meet ASAP. I understand it may be more difficult what with you both being in different countries but you would need to meet to see if you get on in person before a relationship could happen. It's worth stating that people can lie and he may not be who he says he is so that's something to keep in mind, just be cautious.

I think if I were you I'd be concentrating on the guy you've been on a couple dates with. I'm assuming there's a spark with him?

I think if you need to know how you feel about him (so if nothing else, you can move on with your life and meet someone you can have a relationship with), then yes, ask if he’d be happy for you to visit. Stay in a hotel so you have an out of it doesn’t go to plan. And keep seeing this person you’ve just met as well as long as it’s casual enough until you decide how you feel. I wouldn’t let him being from another country put you off though. My dh and I are from different countries. We met working abroad in a third country and did two years of a long distance relationship after we both moved home. We’re married now, been together a decade with 2 children. It is absolutely possible if it’s the right relationship for you

You were very young when you first connected with this guy. Do you feel now that you've both grown up and closer together (or the same) or do you feel you may have grown apart? That is absolutely natural - between the ages of 16 and 24 you have changed from a child into an adult. Your friendships, outlooks on life, experience of work/fun/hobbies, politics might be completely different from how they were when you met.

My son met his "online girlfriend" when they were both 15. He's now 23. They had a very close and emotional relationship for many years, purely through Skype. She was in the US, we're in the UK. I "met" her and her family on Skype. They regularly sent each other parcels of "things you can't get in your country", sort of thing.

They were an immense support to each other for many years but last year the cracks were really showing as they were growing up and apart. My son had kept saying he was going to go over and visit her but did nothing to make this happen, and this was definitely a contributory factor to the break up.

I would say - go and see him, if only to cement your feelings on this. Book a hotel or B&B, do NOT stay with him. Have sex with him if you feel you want to, but don't feel obliged to (which is why having your own space is important.)

If you get there and meet him and your immediate gut feeling is "I love this guy but I don't fancy him" then listen to that gut feeling. Keep him at arms length, ask him to "show me around your city/area", treat it as an exciting opportunity to learn more about another country and/or culture, but be careful not to lead him on - if he starts talking about "your future together" then practise some bland phrases such as "I think we're both pretty young to be thinking about stuff like that!" and "I don't know, ask me in 5 years!"

Conversely, if you meet up and his personality annoys you but he gives you the fanny gallops - TBH I don't know. I mean at my age (40s) I'd just shag him for the duration of the trip but be careful not to get your emotions involved. But with your history, if you're not actually wanting a relationship with him, the kindest thing would be to let him down as gently as possible, which means not having sex with him.