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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please. Emotional affair and sexting

26 replies

quahanene · 02/07/2018 14:57

So I found out last night that DP has had quite a lengthy emotional affair with a colleague. They started as friends and she relied on him for emotional support for quite a time. Up until recently this involved lunch every so often and chats by text. In the past few months this evolved to some pretty lame sexting and some pictures of her boobs. He says he thought he loved her but now realises he doesn't. The affair was not physical (I know this for an absolute fact).
It's complicated because DP is a charismatic man but he has some physical problems which in turn has led to a lot of emotional issues. We have not been getting along for a while now (surprise) but he's been horrendous since the sexting began (last few weeks). The woman has apologised profusely to me and her story matches perfectly what DP is saying. She liked the attention and has no intention of breaking up her family.

I am in bits. Any advice would be gratefully received.

OP posts:
Original poster
quahanene · 02/07/2018 15:03

i know there are lots of this type of thread on here but I would really appreciate your opinions.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/07/2018 15:08

Where is his apology to you?. I would become most angry at him rather than remain in bits and or remain in any contact with his other woman.

He is not worthy of you at all and doubtless would be totally unforgiving if the positions were reversed. The fact that he is himself charismatic is irrelevant; he chose to act as he did of his own free will as did she. She was probably told all sorts of guff re you as well. This is all on him and they may well have matched stories to try and give themselves some credibility.

Are you still together?. Honestly I would bin this man if you have not already done so. Lose the cheater here.

MrsClutterworth · 02/07/2018 15:08

I'd leave him. A lengthy emotional affair? No type of affair is ever even slightly okay but emotional ones do seem worse as they are invested in it and have feelings for the other person. The ow should have thought about not breaking up families before this all started so I see no reason why her partner shouldn't know too. And if he has time to have an emotional affair with this woman how do you know for an absolute fact it hasn't went any further? If I were you I'd just get out now before you get hurt any further which will inevitably happen. Sorry you're going through this and good luck.

Babyblues052 · 02/07/2018 15:09

Do you want to leave him or stay with him? If it were me I'd be out the door (or he would be out the door)

Original poster
quahanene · 02/07/2018 15:10

I am more angry with him than the OW. He has apologised and said he's been an absolute fool. It's a complete mess. Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/07/2018 15:12

I would still dump him for putting you through this. He is really not worthy of you. What has he done here apart from apologise to you to accept his part in this whole debacle?.

Once trust has gone it is nigh on impossible to get back. Do not stay in what is now really a relationship without trust. This relationship therefore should be at an end now for your sake.

Original poster
quahanene · 02/07/2018 15:12

They didn't have the time to get their stories straight. She was telling me what had happened on his phone and he (without knowing what she'd said) said the same.

OP posts:
MaryandMichael · 02/07/2018 15:13

Would you spend the rest of your life wondering who he was sexting every time he was out of your sight?

HollowTalk · 02/07/2018 15:14

Do you have children together? If not, I'd be straight off. If so, I'd stop to gather my belongings.

Original poster
quahanene · 02/07/2018 15:14

I want to separate. I just wanted to some other views. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
quahanene · 02/07/2018 15:15

We have dc.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/07/2018 15:16

What they said or what she said separately is an irrelevance. You have found out that your partner cheated on you. Where is your line in the sand here?. Is this a dealbreaker to you?

You need to decide for your own self if you want to stay with this man or not. I would argue that you would be making a mistake if you did choose to stay with someone like this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/07/2018 15:18

What is the situation also re the property and finances; is the property for instance rented and or jointly owned with a mortgage?. All these details are important.

I take it as read that you are not married to this man so basically what is his is his and what is yours is yours when you separate.

Original poster
quahanene · 02/07/2018 15:23

Property jointly owned. Reasonable amount of equity in it. I work part time but the money is sparodic although something more concrete is on the horizon. He earns decent money.

OP posts:
Pineappler · 02/07/2018 16:14

I think separating is a good idea. Tbh if he's had one affair he is likely to want more, it's not like he's got a solution to repair your marriage.

MaryandMichael · 02/07/2018 16:27

Get good legal advice. Go for divorce and go for the jugular. Don't waste time being nice.

Original poster
quahanene · 02/07/2018 16:50

Thanks all.

OP posts:
SuperSuperSuper · 02/07/2018 17:11

I think that an emotional affair is harder to forgive than a drunken ONS because of the investment involved over a period of weeks/months, despite the lack of physical contact.

Helloflamingogo · 02/07/2018 17:13

He’s the one that owes you an apology, not him.

LTB.

Rozzzzzalmost35 · 02/07/2018 17:16

I doubt he ever had any intention of it becoming physical. Things are soooo different over text than in person. Make him sweat then give him another chance xx

Iwantaunicorn · 02/07/2018 17:25

For me, an EA would be worse than a ONS. Ok, it might not have become physical yet, but that would’ve happened eventually. A drunken ONS I possibly could maybe forgive and forget, but probably not.

I would probably try to give the relationship another go (provided he was truly remorseful), more for my DC sake than anything else (with full access and transparency for all technology) provided he was NC with the OW and she was completely out of his life, and we/he/I had counselling, but that’s just me.

💐 for you OP, I’m sorry this is happening to you.

Original poster
quahanene · 02/07/2018 20:07

Thanks for the support. There’s a lot for me to think about.

OP posts:
TheMonkeyMummy · 05/07/2018 21:31

How are you @quahanene ?

Original poster
quahanene · 05/07/2018 22:22

Hi TheMummyMonkey I am OK thanks. Not great but OK.
DP had a two hour appointment with a consultant pyschologist and has been diagnosed with depression. The psychologist thinks he's had it for several years and it is the result of traumatic health related problems. DP has been saying that he resents me and feels angry towards me but the psychologist said that DP is self prejudiced and the feelings he thinks he has towards me are false and a reflection of how he feels about himself. The friendship which turned into a sexting affair (two months) was an attempt to find a different emotion to the hatred he felt towards himself. DP is very low and can't feel any emotion whatsoever. The psychologist says he needs 10 sessions but he thinks there will be a good outcome.
As for me I am agonising over the details. DP says he didn't love the other woman and feels nothing towards her but then again he feels no emotions about anything because he is so ill. It's incredibly hard for me. I am trapped. I feel sorry for him because he was so ill and all the poor decisions he made were when he was very ill but I could also kill him and the other woman. She is a very damaged, needy person with a car crash of a life and has now destroyed my life too. I can't see a way forward.

OP posts:
Backtoblack1 · 05/07/2018 22:27

A charming man makes a dangerous lover.

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