Mother's comments ... feeling angry

[Lethal]

My mother made a few comments to me today - in front of several other family members - regarding my weight. The strange thing is, I've only gained ONE kilogram over the past year and I'm not even overweight - I could probably do with losing a few kilos, but at present I weigh 64 kilos and I'm 5'9". And she has always been at least two sizes bigger than me, so I don't know where she gets off making comments about MY weight!!! I feel so hurt & annoyed by the way she did it, I mean did she have to say it in front of all those people, and not only once, but several times. Things like "I'm surprised you're not slimmer if you're so busy all the time" and "So do you admit that you've put weight on over the last year?". She also made a comment about me liking chocolate (hint hint I suppose), but the thing is, I hardly ever keep chocolate in the house because I do have a hard time resisting it. My mother, on the other hand, has chocolate/chips/ice cream in her house constantly, and I know she eats it whenever she likes. She is by no means 'slim', so I'm pretty angry that she's had a go at me like this.

I just had to get this off my chest. I keep wondering why she chose to do it to me in front of my other family members, especially when I'm not even overweight to begin with.

You poor thing. I really feel for you. A few years ago my sister was getting married and we were going round the shops with my size 6 mum and size 8 sister. I'm a size 12, sometimes 14. We were looking for a bridesmaids dress for me and my mum said 'I think we should try again when you've lost some weight' and my sister said 'just because you've moved in with your boyfriend doesn't mean you can let yourself go'!!! I was so upset but I don't think they even realised. Just ignore your mother and concentrate on how wonderful you are

I so often hear my girlfriends talk about their mothers hurtful comments like this one. Maybe its jealousy - they see their daughters in their prime with everything going for them whilst they are ageing and slowing down. My own mother frequently mentions my weight or how badly she thinks I've aged compared to school friends of mine she bumps into. Very very hurtful and I hope I never speak to my own daughters like that in years to come.

Try and shrug it off and put to down to jealousy, although I understand its very hard to do that! Mums should be "on our side" so to speak, not saying dreadful things to try and hurt us. They should be doing the complete opposite - telling us how great we are. When my mum hears me telling my two girls that she says "stop it, they'll get big headed". No mum, they'll just have high self-esteem unlike me growing up with you!

I get the impression that it's people who have "issues" with weight themselves who go on about other people's. People who are happy with their own size are generally happy with others' too, IYSWIM. I have a friend who is always going on about her daughters being hefty, and she seems to have spent years worrying about her own weight.

Lethal's mum is presumably bigger than she wants to be so criticisng Lethal makes her feel less bad herself; and vict's mum being size 6 must be on a permanent starvation diet, size 6 is practically invisible! Both of you sound like nice normal sizes to me - try to rise above and be glad you are content enough with your own self not to have to snipe at others.

PS The mother of the friend with the "hefty" daughters is seriously overweight herself and always has been, I believe, which is probably where the anxiety stems from in her case.

I think some mothers just feel a strange need to try to keep their daughters 'in their place'. My mother's weapon of choice is my intelligence. I have a fair number of qualifications and a pretty high IQ. The comments I usually hear are "Huh, and I thought you were supposed to be intelligent" or "For someone so intelligent you do really stupid things" etc etc. It used to bother me but nowadays it's water off a duck's back. It's no fun for her when she doesn't get a reaction.

Sandyballs, coppertop & vict17, I can really relate to those kinds of comments because I've had them from my own mother too. JanH I also think you're right about people with issues who take it out on others. My mother even admits how critical she is, but can't seem to control her own mouth I don't understand why you'd want to purposely belittle your own child.

I'm with you SB, about trying to give your child some self-esteem. Even when ds has tried my patience and I don't feel particularly charitable towards him, I still try to make a point of telling him how much I love him and how wonderful I think he is. The world is going to deal out enough harsh blows to these kids as they're growing up, why shouldn't we give them as much self-esteem as possible. My mother obviously never wanted me to get 'big-headed' either

God, coppertop, snap!

And my mother was forever infering that I was a bad wife because I expected my dh to do his share around the house. The fact that I was also working full time and had longer hours than him, and a 3 hour round trip commute didn't seem to come into the picture.

I have an aunt who is forever making nasty comments on my size (and evenryone elses for that matter). I always think of saying, 'Yes I might well be fat but you are a twisted old bag. I could lose weight but you'd still be a twisted old bag' [grin}

I know with my own mother that she thinks these comments are necessary in a cruel to be kind way e.g letting yourself go, putting on weight. What is not necessary from my point of view is saying it to me in front of others and behind my back. Recently she said to her friend who told her shI'e hadn't recognised me when she had seen me in the street - yes she's put on weight. The friend said no it was because I'd had my hair cut. I am 5'6'' and 63kg so not quite clinically obese. My sister just says I'm daft to listen to her so now I try not too especially where marriage advice is given