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Original poster

Mixed messages from dp

24 replies

MrsBumbleBerry · 02/07/2018 00:17

I have wanted another child for a number of years- he's never been ready (I have 2 kids from a previous relationship which he has pretty much taken on as hos own)

Yesterday out of the blue he tells me he's been thinking a lot about us having a baby.....great! I was really pleased. In the evening we had sex twice and didn't use any protection- we usually use condoms and he ALWAYS wears one. Last night we did it twice without one. So today I thought it a good idea to clarify we are on the same page, if he wants to start properly trying for a baby. His response was that he doesn't think he swimmers work. I replied and said we had nothing to lose by trying in that case and that neither of us are getting any younger and he hasn't replied.

I'm really confused. I don't think I'm being unreasonable.....I'd just like to set my own expectations if last night was a one off. I'm only on day 8 of my cycle and have my own fertility challenges so it's unlike to have done anything but I think I at least deserve the respect of an answer to my question.

OP posts:
Honey2468 · 02/07/2018 00:53

That’s a really strange response. Maybe ask him if he has had them tested in the past? Has he tried for children before? Maybe find out if that is what is really worrying him because it’s unfair on you for him to change his mind back and forth when it is something u really want, sit down conversation, just you two, good luck

Original poster
MrsBumbleBerry · 02/07/2018 01:17

Thanks, I think I'm quite a level headed person, I have 2 kids already so if it doesn't happen for us then I'm very grateful for what I have been blessed with.
I only have 1 fallopian tube so my fertility is reduced......I'm realistic that he's getting older and I'm wonky. It may never happen and I certainly don't want to be in a position where it puts any pressure on us, I'd just like to try and see what happens.
He hasn't ever had tests, I think he just doesn't want to let me down and.since it never happened in the past he's put 2 &2 together and come up 5. His reasoning was excessive masterbation when he was a teenager.
Just feel frustrated that he got my hopes up. It probably isn't the best time to be thinking of babies anyway- we both have some pretty important stuff coming up in the next few months but I'd at least like to be able to gave a propper discussion about it with out having to try and guess what he's thinking.

OP posts:
qwertyuiopy · 02/07/2018 01:26

Why does he think that? You need to ask him why he said that. Sorry if this sounds harsh but you don’t seem to be talking properly to the man you are trying to make. baby with. You need to talk to him.

HellonHeels · 02/07/2018 01:40

Could he have had a vasectomy?

TBH he doesn't sound like he has much understanding of the issues if he thinks he's made himself infertile by too much masturbating.

PigEyedHorseFrightener · 02/07/2018 01:44

I reckon he’s had the snip.

Original poster
MrsBumbleBerry · 02/07/2018 01:53

I've told him that's an old wives tale but he thinks it true.
I don't think he'd have had the snip either- he hates anything medical and getting him to go to the Dr's when he's sick is a nightmare.
qwertyuiopy- that's what I've been trying to do, I want to talk about it but he gets really awkward with any kind of serious conversation. His ex was abusive to him and he shut down massively in terms of his emotions wjen they were together. I was also in an.abusive relationship so i understand how hard it is. he's definitely better than he was about talking but it's like trying to get blood out of a stone at times.

I felt like saying well it's a bit late now......but I made a point of saying if he isn't ready then he needs to say. I think in his head he's ready but too scared to say. Like I said before his ex has a lot to answer.

OP posts:
qwertyuiopy · 02/07/2018 02:06

Did he try to have a baby with his ex? Was it something he was abused about?

Monty27 · 02/07/2018 02:56

Does he want a.child? It sounds odd.

MrJohnReese · 02/07/2018 05:21

My partner said the same about his little swimmers, I think it must be a thing some men worry about. He had never got anyone pregnant and just didn't know if they worked he said.

We conceived 1st month which was unexpected, just keep reminding him you know until you try!

daisychain01 · 02/07/2018 05:39

it's unlike to have done anything but I think I at least deserve the respect of an answer to my question

You need to give him a reality check. The possible outcome of this situation is that you become pg. meanwhile he's giving you some obtuse theoretical crap about his swimmers. He isn't god so he cannot in actual fact predict with 100% certainty that he couldn't make you pg.

A responsible adult would say something along the lines of Yes let's try for a baby, or No I don't want a DC, not leaving it to chance.

I wouldn't have unprotected sex with him while he lacks that degree of responsibility towards possible bringing a child into the world.

MistressDeeCee · 02/07/2018 06:10

You need to ask for a yes or no.

I bet he's had the snip and isnt saying.
You dont sound as if you communicate well but you need to, if you want a child with this man

swingofthings · 02/07/2018 06:28

I think you are missing the point. I suspect he is really worried that indeed, he might not be fertile, and indeed, if he is old fashioned too, it might make him feel less of a man. Until now, he could pretend that it wasn't the case, however, if you start trying for a baby and it doesn't happen, then it would mean having to face that possibility and that is something he doesn't want to face.

How much unprotected sex he had that didn't result in a pregnancy, only he will know, so hard to tell how realistic a possibility it is or not. The point though is that it is something that is making him anxious, so you need to tread carefully.

I expect he wants a child very much too, so if you do go ahead and stop protection, do consider that he might be as anxious, if no more than you at the end of each cycle.

FinallyHere · 02/07/2018 07:09

expect he wants a child very much too

Well, that is one explanation, he may also prefer sex without a condom and would be mildly interested to know whether can still father a chi,d, without much further thought

I agree with the PPs suggesting that you do not have unprotected sex with this man until you understand his motives.

ravenmum · 02/07/2018 07:20

Well, you definitely need more preparation before bringing a new person into the world than the line "I've been thinking about us having a baby", then whipping the condom off and getting to work. Where are you all going to live, who will be the main carer, how are finances going to work, and both of you agreeing that yes, you are definitely going to start TTC now.

Sounds to me like he really was just thinking about it, but is a bit scared of the whole idea, so instead of thinking about it properly is just closing his eyes and leaping in without looking, so that he'll be able to tell himself that it almost happened by accident and he didn't really make such a big decision.

AmberCurtain · 02/07/2018 08:28

Finances are all fine, as is the house situation. I'm on the process of extending my My house and once that's done he's going to move in- he usually stays 4 nights a week but works different shifts which can be awkward when there's so much going on in my house.....once the work is done it'll be a lot calmer and we will have alot more room.

I think he did try with an ex but nothing happened.
He still hasn't replied to my message this morning but he's read it.
I completely agree about the communication thing- I'm trying my hardest to help.him find a way he can tall about the important stuff but he shuts down. I try to keep everything very light but sometimes I just need an answer amd he won't give me one. I'm 10 years younger than him, he's about to hit 40. I think in his mind he might have realised it's now or never. I just wish he'd talk.

AmberCurtain · 02/07/2018 08:29

ooops I name changed because my sister knows this name and forgot to switch back- my bad.

ravenmum · 02/07/2018 08:31

You don't want to see if you get on well living together before you add a third person to the equation?

His refusal to discuss things with you tells you all you need to know, doesn't it? Or would you be OK with your child's dad being uncooperative, secretive about his feelings and/or unable to communicate?

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/07/2018 08:32

*I've told him that's an old wives tale but he thinks it true."

Do people seriously still think this sort of thing? Isn't that what Google is for? If excessive masturbation meant that you didn't produce live sperm, then the population of the UK would halve!

ravenmum · 02/07/2018 08:33

I really can't understand all these people who discuss life-changing issues by text. Madness.

AmberCurtain · 02/07/2018 08:44

I don't want to discuss it by txt, I just thought he mode find it easier

ravenmum · 02/07/2018 08:57

So you have to tiptoe around him doing anything you can think of to coax little nuggets of information out of him.

(OK, I am just cynical as my ex decided 20 years after we had children that he had never wanted any and I'd just bullied him into it. I couldn't prove that it wasn't the case by quoting any statement from him like "I want babies with you darling" as he was always so unclear about what he did want. If I could turn back time I'd have chosen someone who made decisions and stuck with them.)

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/07/2018 09:00

Deal with the communication issues before you bring a child into the mix. It does sound as though you don't know each other very well, and putting a crying baby into that situation would just be a recipe for disaster. You can't say what you need and he can't say what he feels - you'd be a houseful of silent people, both resenting the other, sleepless nights and passive-aggressive non-arguments over the child's upbringing.

FinallyHere · 02/07/2018 12:31

Oh, and for the record, we had been regularly 'visiting' each other's house for nearly ten years, before we finally moved in together. It was an amazing shock to the system, and we had our first rows and disagreements, and plenty of them.

Visiting each others house is easy, because one of you is at home and the other knows they are just visiting. Once you both live there, then all sorts of questions about how we do things around here can crop up.

I would really want to get the communications working a lot ore smoothly than you describe, before as PP has said, bringing a baby into the mix. Can you just imaging what it would be like, him never saying what he wants and keeping you scurrying around, trying to work out what he wants. Trying to find a compromise without knowing what he wanted in the first place. Who needs that shit?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/07/2018 12:34

Sorry, so does he or does he not want a baby with you?

If he can't communicate this to you, I'd be worried. And start using contraception again!

I think you need to clarify that before wondering whether or not his 'swimmers work'.

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