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Relationships

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Following and liking on Instagram

16 replies

snettles · 02/07/2018 00:05

DP and I have been together 18 months. At the beginning of the relationship it was long distance and we only saw each other every couple of weeks. This led to us breaking up 9 months in. He instigated it because he said he was struggling with being so serious about someone he couldn't see that often and he'd basically met someone through work where there was the possibility of it developing into more than a friendship and he wanted to be honest with me about that. I was heartbroken, angry at him, but at the same time I understood that the distance wasn't sustainable.

After 3 months he said he'd made a terrible mistake, loved and missed me and would move to my town so we could try again, if I was willing to. I was very cautious about this, but he did move back, we started spending time together and he has been nothing but loving and committed and our relationship is great. I love him very much, but after being rejected by him once I struggle with trusting in what we have. There's a part of me that, no matter how great it is, is waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Anyway, he was out with friends tonight (we don't live together as I have a child, so am very cautious about that). I was messing about on Instagram looking for new people to follow and clicked on the 'following' link, where you can see the activities of the people you follow. He'd just got in (I know as he'd just messaged me), and I could see he'd in the last 5 minutes started following a woman and liked one of her pictures. From checking her profile, she's a friend of his friends he'd been out with, so presumably he'd just met her when they were out. She's pretty - very much his type from what I can tell - and the photo he'd liked? She's in the bath, obviously topless. It's all very arty and tasteful through filters (which he'd like), but it's basically a selfie in the bath.

Given our history and the 'getting close to a friend' before, I feel sick. From the timeline I can see he did this before he'd even answered the message I'd sent him (he always messages when he gets in), so basically it was the first thing he did when he picked up his phone when he got home.

I don't know what to do. I'm second guessing myself because I know i have trust issues because of our history, but even without our past I'd be pissed off about this. But if I say something it also means saying I 'snooped' into his Instagram likes, which may make him think I'm constantly checking on him. (I'm wasn't, but I know I bloody will be now).

I'd really appreciate anyone's feel for this type of behaviour and if I should say something to him or bide my time a bit.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 02/07/2018 05:37

Liking and following someone on Instagram really doesn't mean anything. I don't think this is proof of anything op and you're over-thinking it because of your past with him. Has he said anything to make you think he's cheating or done anything else? I don't think it's a big deal and you shouldn't bring it up with him.

Cawfee · 02/07/2018 05:51

This would be a huge red flag for me. He’s obviously keen on her. The very 1st thing he did when he got in was to search her name on social media....dodgy as F. If it was me, I’d be dumping him over this. His track record is bad and now he’s on the flirt. Big fat no from me and do you honestly want to be wasting more months of your life on a guy you can’t trust?

pigeondujour · 02/07/2018 06:23

It does mean something and you're not overthinking it. It's basically like getting her number and sending her a flirtatious text as soon as he gets in, but a more public version so he'll tell himself it's fine.

Personally I think you're right to doubt your relationship if he had his head turned after 9 months. Long distance or no that should still very much be the honeymoon period and his eye is clearly still wandering. I'm guessing both he and selfie in the bath girl are childless? It just doesn't sound like you're on the same page long term.

Footballmumofthefuture · 02/07/2018 06:38

He has track record doesn't he. So I would say it means something. I couldn't trust a man like this!

Ryder63 · 02/07/2018 07:06

I had a thread about Instagram a while back, on behalf of a friend whose DP started following a woman who was single - and made it clear in her profile! hitherto, he'd only followed people he knew, and sport personalities etc; friend didn't want to ask DP about it (because snooping) but did eventually. Was apparently a "friend of a friend's GF". He unfollowed, as my mate was unhappy about it.

Controlling? I'd say more a little insecure, and she was relieved he unfollowed immediately after she voiced her concerns and doubts.

snettles · 02/07/2018 07:45

Thanks for your replies. Following and liking on Instagram wouldn't normally bother me, but it's the nature of the photo and the message that liking it sends to her Shoxfordian that bothers me. Pigeondujour I very much agree it's like sending a flirty text message but in a way that's 'excusable'.

I'm going to speak with him about this today. I've just sent a message to that effect. I feel sick.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 02/07/2018 08:02

Yeah I do understand but unless he gives you another current reason to doubt him then I think you're over-reacting. If you can't trust him though then there's no point in continuing to see him.

TokenGinger · 02/07/2018 08:20

I think I’d be pissed too, however, if I try to look at it objectively, if I meet someone new and follow them on insta, I instantly look through and like a few pictures. However, I would not be liking a picture of a man in the bath.

pissedonatrain · 02/07/2018 08:42

He certainly has form for it.

I don't think you're overreacting.

snettles · 02/07/2018 08:46

Tokenginger the bath photo is her most recent one, so there is possibly an argument for saying he followed and then liked the most recent pic. But having looked again I can see he's liked another photo about a dozen in (a scenery one), so he's clearly bad s good look around. To be honest that feels very calculated, 'I'll like the sexy one so she knows I think she's hot and then a scenic one so I don't look like a creep.' Sad

OP posts:
pigeondujour · 02/07/2018 10:00

To be honest that feels very calculated, 'I'll like the sexy one so she knows I think she's hot and then a scenic one so I don't look like a creep.' 

That's exactly what it is. Tbh even if he was just liking the most recent one I wouldn't be okay with my partner doing that, not if it was her in the bath.

cindylouhooo · 02/07/2018 10:27

I don't think you're overreacting either. I wouldn't like that at all and I think it sends her a message. Think about how you would feel if you were her.

Is her profile public? I didn't think you could see if someone liked posts of a person you weren't also following unless it was a public account. Not quizzing you, just curious.

Cricrichan · 02/07/2018 10:36

Massive overreaction! The man moved to be with you. He can't live with you because of your child. He hasn't got form, just simply he didn't want to live far away from his girlfriend so tried to find a more local one but realised that he loves you. So moved to be with you. How much more of a clear message is that?

Yes, he may have gone put and met an attractive girl so he's having a snoop. Doesn't mean anything. You sound needlessly insecure and after me being with a controlling and insecure man for years I can tell you how awful it is.

MrMeSeeks · 02/07/2018 10:39

Think i’d need more than him liking a pic.

eggcellent · 02/07/2018 10:45

What innocent explanation could there be for him liking her photo? It's to get her attention and show interest, end of. Not good at all, and very sneaky.

pigeondujour · 02/07/2018 13:43

just simply he didn't want to live far away from his girlfriend so tried to find a more local one but realised that he loves you. So moved to be with you. How much more of a clear message is that?

I've heard of cases before where a person vows lifetime commitment forsaking all others to someone, and lives with them, and has children with them, all of which one could consider to be sending quite a clear message, and then cheats.

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