talk some sense into me please!

[Kicap]

Longtime lurker, never have the nerve to post. Please be gentle!

Been with DH for 18 years, 2 DC (5 and 8). Relationship has always been volatilelots of argumentsbut not violent. Small disagreements seem to come out of nowhere and easily turn into rows/silences that last for days. We've just made up from one, and somehow I managed to set off another one today. On his birthday lunch. I feel awful about it and apologised but as usual that's not acceptable. Then in a day or so he'll decide we can forget it. And we limp on.

I've been having counselling for several years. It has helped me with some issues but I'm still flip-flopping on the marriage. He refuses to get counselling (for himself, or for both of us).

I think I need to call time on this but have no idea how to extricate myself and not ruin my kids' lives.

' rows/silences that last for days'

That sounds appalling for your children.

Ending an unhappy marriage is a big step, and excruciatingly difficult to take when you're seeing it as something dreadful for the DC.

But don't fool yourself that family life as it is now is ok for them.

The pivotal moment for me was ,thinking, if this is the best picture of a relationship and a family that my DC are seeing, maybe, instead of staying for the sake of the kids, I really ought to leave for the sake of the kids.
Hard at first, yes. Regrets, never for an instant.

Thanks for the response! Yes, am absolutely thinking about how this is no good for the kids. They think it's normal. They say things like "sorry you had a big fight with Daddy again."

I guess the other thing that makes it very hard to leave is that sometimes things can be nice. Like right before the argument broke out today it seemed like we were all having a nice time!

And, of course, not only your DC , but you yourself deserve a better life.
If you've been in this relationship for some time, you may have forgotten just how lovely it is to have a weekend where no one sulks, or takes offence.
And next weekend.And the one after....

Sometimes nice?
Like a cake that's only mouldy in some parts?

Sounds like you married my ex. Seriously though, you've just described him, down to the me getting counselling and him refusing. It was exhausting and the DC suffered for it.

My ex could be lovely as well.

When I finally left him, he suddenly couldn't understand why I didn't want to try counselling. I'd literally begged him for years and I had to start to hate him before he thought it was worthwhile...

I told him it was too late, that he'd been destroying us for years and now he'd done what he'd set out to. He didn't like that. But it's true. This kind of behaviour is destructive in the extreme - marriages like this can't last unless it's in an ever accelerating spiral of misery.

Had to smile about the mouldy cake! Knowing me I'd cut the mouldy bits off and eat the rest anyway!

Re the counselling, my Dh has more than once in the course of an argument said that it clearly isn't doing me any good, so why should he have it? And I do wonder about it, because it often seems to stir up feelings that I'd much rather bury!

A couple of weeks ago, after a particularly bad patch, I suggested we split up. I was sort of shocked at his reactionhe didn't seem upset at all. Totally calm. He said I (but not him?) should think about itwe had a visit from my parents coming up and all sorts of other things--and then decide. And... things got a bit better and I thought, phew, maybe this is actually ok? We didn't discuss it. And now it's back to square one.

Going to have to bite the bullet soon!