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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New guy - sex related sorry for tmi

12 replies

newby111 · 01/07/2018 21:28

So as the title says
I've been seeing a guy for 4 weeks or so, had sex 4-6 times
This weekend he took me for a lovely meal and stayed at his
Had lots sex and in the morning it carried on
However for some reason I can't stop thinking about my ex and feeling sad
We split in March and he was very abusive and I was heartbroken
Lately I felt ready to try and meet someone but take it slow
This guy appears very into me and I'm not sure I'm as into him if that makes sense
We were having sex and he asks me to go on top
I really didn't want to as I just didn't feel comfortable to so I didn't
He asked why and I said I was so tired and so hot as we had been having sex for quite a while already ! He then asked me to sync his ...so I did which was fine as I do like that and then he just took so long to come and it appears that he needs to do it quite fast in order to come
Sorry for TMI but this has made me think about my ex
Who we were extremely in tune and I just feel a bit overwhelmed for some reason
Just needed so air
Can't really speak to a friend at this time of night asking sex questions lol
Just wondered how it should be at the beginning
I was in a long relationship before a bad one so I feel silly for feeling sad
X

OP posts:
spudlike1 · 01/07/2018 21:46

Your not ready yet .
Take a break
Get some counselling

newby111 · 01/07/2018 21:48

I thought maybe I need some counselling
I went through a lot of abuse but I thought I was getting better
I've been feeling happier
X

OP posts:
PrizeOik · 01/07/2018 21:54

It's a difficult one - starting over after an ex who was shit to you in some ways but the sex was good.

I sort of had this with my exh, the only.part of our relationship that was consistently wonderful was the sex part.

Added to that, sex was part of our abuse cycle, when we were in the honeymoon period the sex was very intimate and the feelings we're highly addictive. Not healthy but that was how it was. Fairly common in abusive relationships tbh. It creates a strong bond and it's extremely confusing and upsetting when it ends and you still have good memories of the sexual stuff.

In my case, my ex was quite erm adventurous as well and we did things that my current pretty vanilla dp would struggle to even see the point of Blush

My current dp was actually pretty awful in bed when we got together, for a variety of reasons including having been in a lrt with a woman who hated sex. I can remember literally stropping off out of his house after he was selfish in bed one night.

Now years later we are very in sync and I look back on exh and realize some of our sexual relationship WAS actually also abusive but at the early stage, there were times I felt as you do now.

Abusive relationships really fuck with your head. They take good innocent things and make them addictive and upsetting. In a way, they can even cause you to find "normal" relationships boring because normal relationships don't have those horrific lows to complement massive highs! Including sexually.

This new guy, he didn't hurt you did he? He just sort of struggled to finish and it got boring and maybe uncomfortable? If so I think that can be normal in the beginning when you're shagging a lot but simultaneously finding your feet / getting comfortable with each other.

Not sure what the point of my post is, but I just wanted to let you know I understand how you feel and I don't think you need to be very alarmed by feelings that are pretty valid tbh.

Joey7t8 · 01/07/2018 21:55

Doesn’t sound like new man is right for you.

newby111 · 01/07/2018 22:02

Prize thank you for your post, very well written and enjoyed reading it. No he didn't hurt me as such, just very rough and hard and it just seemed like it was going on for a long time. He was also touching my private parts when he was doing it from behind but it was so hard! I had to say to stop as that was actually hurting!
Ex partner didn't do that and it's just getting to know what you like / don't like and it's been fun just this weekend has been a head fuck for me for some reason x

OP posts:
newby111 · 01/07/2018 22:05

I feel awful for not having a happy excited feeling about seeing him again just because of that
We've arranged another date for next weekend and I'm rolling with it because I don't want to come across like I'm being unreasonable
He's lovely, kind and I did enjoy his company he just is a bit further down the line than me x

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 01/07/2018 22:06

It actually sounds like he wasn’t listening to your body at all and it would be quite a turn off for me. I think your body says stop long before your mouth and if he didn’t pick up on that he is quite a selfish lover. Sad

PrizeOik · 01/07/2018 22:20

@newby111 I'm glad my post resonated. It helps not to feel you're the only one, ime!

Now that you've explained a bit more about the sex stuff, it doesn't sounds great tbh. As a pp said, you say no/I don't like this with your body, long before you say it with your mouth. He doesn't sound considerate.

You don't have to see him again, it doesn't matter why even. There's no such thing as unreasonable when it comes to reasons not to date/shag someone. It's meant to be fun and relaxed and peaceful. Once you're wondering whether you're unreasonable and you're not feeling excited... You can just stop.

My dp didn't really know what he was doing when we started shagging. BUT. He has always been one to carefully monitor how I seem. Not just what I say. Sometimes he notices im uncomfortable and stops before I realize I've waded out of my depth. And he never NEVER feels he "needs" to finish. He literally stops mid shag without so much as a flicker of annoyance, when needed.

You need that kind of consideration when you're not long out of an abusive relationship.

Take care of yourself love and remember you don't owe anyone anything

newby111 · 02/07/2018 07:14

Thank you my love, it's funny because I knew in my gut I just thought I was being unreasonable and didn't wanna not see him again for that reason
It's not something I feel I can talk to him about when it's so early on like you say he should pick up on things especially when I said I was tired etc
He is way too full on with what he says too and I don't think he understands as much as I thought he would
I agree I'm not ready but I also agree he's not the right person for me x

OP posts:
JeanLouiseAKAScout · 02/07/2018 09:37

Abusive relationships leave you second guessing everything and it stands to reason that this filters into a new relationship. The scar I have is that my default mode is things are always my fault.
So be aware and take your own sweet time to really listen to yourself Thanks

newby111 · 02/07/2018 18:37

That's very true
So with all the advice in mind, shall I stop seeing this guy?
Been feeling really strange today and sad feeling
This guy is nice but I don't know what to do?!
I'm trying to be positive and not sad but I can't help it x

OP posts:
Lemonyknickers · 02/07/2018 18:44

Yeah, been there, had a guy who kept telling me what I liked. Too much of not the right stuff. 3 year relationship and it never improved. If it's early days and he's not trying to work out what works for you, he's probably never going to.
Move on.

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