Advice needed for setting date with my anxiety suffering fiancé

[Mumtojac15]

Hi everyone, I am very new to this, I have used mumsnet for many things but never added anything my self...
so....

I have been with my partner now for 4 years, we have been engaged for 3 of them lovely years. We have a 3 year old son together. We get on brilliantly.
He has suffered from anxiety for the last 4-5 years but only been medicated the last 2.5 years. He hasn’t been taking his meds properly for quite a while and can be up and down with his moods.

3 weeks ago during a convo with my brother he asked why we hadn’t gotten married yet!
My reply was I’m not sure.

I mentioned it to my partner and I got really excite when he agreed we should get married in 2 years which gives us plenty of time to plan.
Me being a woman I jumped on the marriage excitement and i must have got carried away.
He was fine the first 2 weeks, me buzzing ideas to him, table centres, venues, guest list (which he helped with).
We were due to visit my main chosen venue Thursday just gone. I kept pointing out that we just needed to select a date so we could book our registry office and pay the deposit and it would be fine then till after Christmas.

Well on the Tuesday evening I mentioned that we had this appointment and he blew up, telling me I was being pushy, pressuring him in to doing it, he wasn’t really wanting to do it.
He said his head couldn’t plan what he wanted to do the next day let alone 2 years away.

I was so hurt and confused. He was fine then bam the whole thing can’t be spoken about. We haven’t spoken for a few days properly. I still want to marry him, and he says he does me but can’t cope with the stress!

Please could anyone help with ideas to make it easy for him to set the date?
Thank you all

He's clearly told you he doesn't want to set a date. And you're on here trying to crowdsource ways to force him to anyway?

His happiness and sense of peace is more important than you wanting to set a date

Back off. Give it a lot of time. Ask yourself why he didn't propose of his own free will but rather that you had to ask him why he hadn't proposed yet ().

Don't try to force a man who has literally told you to his face that he doesn't want to set a date, to set a date.

Do you care about his feelings at all, btw? Because you really don't seem to. You even took the time to set up your whole op by explaining that he's anxious etc. As if that would make it ok for you to force him to marry you ...

In the nicest possible way I'd have no patience with that.

You have been engaged for three years already and he wants to wait another two?
And not least can you really plan a wedding for two years without getting wedding fatigue.

Are you sure marriage is something he wants?

Sorry I misread about the engagement thing, he seems to have proposed himself before - but you've had to ask via your brother why a date hasn't been set, it's just weird.

He's not ready to set a date. He can't. Take him at his word here - if you force him into it, however well meaning your intentions, he may not be able to go through with it and that's be awful for everyone.

You need to put the wedding talk away and discuss his treatment and how you can move forward with getting him better; and then have a proper conversation about whether he'll ever actually want to get married, when he's coping better. Being engaged for three years and then planning for another two is quite a long time... but he isn't ready, or able, to have that conversation now.

Actually, what wasn’t mentioned was the fact he wanted to run away and do it just us only a few months ago. One of his impulsive moments. But we were not in the right situation money wise to run off.

Do I care about his feelings? I spend 24/7 caring about the mood he is going to be in, weather it will be a good day or a bad day!

He has always been better when he has something to focus on, work towards. It keeps his drinking down and his mood level! But now he is taking his meds it won’t be long till he is on his way back up!
In no way am I forcing him, I asked for help from people that have been in the same situation.
He asked me to marry him, I had actually said no many times before.

I don’t know what I’ll want to do in two years either so I don’t see the attraction of a long engagement, especially when you already have a child.

Is that the problem? Why two years? Personally I’d dial back the frantic planning, bin off the table centres and ask how he’d feel about a stripped back day in a couple of months focusing on just the getting married bit. It’s easy to get hung up on the extras and you shouldn’t give up on what you want but the idea of table centres, favours, loads of flowers, tons to organise brings me out in hives.

When you agreed to get married, did you discuss what sort of wedding day you BOTH wanted?

If you’re still on the same page in wanting to tie the knot then put the binder down and have a chat about a day you’d both enjoy and can afford. Especially if the long engagement is down to finances and he might be stressing about it costing loads.

No it wasn’t asked via my brother.
It was my brother that asked me why we hadn’t set the date. Just in the usual conversation.

Anne originally we both wanted to do it all alone, no family or friends. But he suddenly changed his mind and said he wanted our children (we have children from past relationships too) and our parents at the ceremony. He told me exactly what he wanted on that day, and I spent hours talking and searching for places that would deliver exactly what he was asking for.
The table centre pieces were pretty much what I decided on. He had put his thoughts in to the rest of the day. Even told me he would like it late in the afternoon.

I had chosen 2 years to plan so then money wasn’t ever going to be an issue, I am a house wife so his wage is the only one coming in, till our little lad goes to school next year.

My parents have said they will take away the major financial worries. So he hasn’t got to worry about any of that. And his parents said that they will help too where they can.

It’s hard I know in my heart he wants it, and I know it will be hard for him but at the same time he will be excited too. The ceremony is literally going to be 12 people. That’s how he wanted it.

Through my eyes, this has disaster written all over it in the long term.
Sorry.

I spend 24/7 caring about the mood he is going to be in, weather it will be a good day or a bad day!

He has always been better when he has something to focus on, work towards. It keeps his drinking down and his mood level!

I couldn't live with someone like this. I'd feel like I was walking on eggshells.

I think maybe you should talk about a small registry office wedding. In, sign papers and out. It is possibly the thought of a whole big do with speeches mingling, first dance etc... that is raising his anxiety and putting him off.

I think your partner has been very unfair and unkind to you OP... there is more than just Him in this relationship. . it's all well and good him feeling pressured.. but he asked you to marry him.. did he not mean it ? was it just a token engagement?

His anxiety seems to run your relationship, but he's not bothered enough to confront and treat it properly.

I wonder what else he gets out of, due to this issue, hope your child isn't picking up any cues from him

I wonder what he thinks 'engagemen't means?

OP, only you know if this is him feeling stressed/depressed/whatever or if it is something a little more sinister.

I imagine that you are aware that not being married puts you - and your partner - in a difficult financial and legal position if one of you leaves or dies. If you don't know about this, if you are one of those women that thing marriage is about venues and hearts and flowers and all that shit, then you need to get yourself thoroughly educated asap. You have a child together, and you are a SAHM - you are in a very, very vulnerable situation.

I have to say from what you write about his moods and demands etc etc that there is a huge backstory here that deep down causes you anxiety. Would you describe your relationship as that of two equal partners both of whom pay attention to, and respect the wishes of the other? Or does this describe only one of you?

Perhaps setting a date two years ahead was his way of kicking it into the long grass. You called his bluff by wanting to book a venue asap.