The right decision but feel awful about it

[MaitlandGirl]

We have a very close family friend (DP grew up with him and I’ve known him for nearly 9 years) who has recently admitted he’s fallen out with his extended family because he slapped his mum and tried to choke her during an argument.

This is totally out of character for him but we’ve told him we don’t want anything to do with him any more and he’s not welcome in our house or near my children (17+).

We know this is the right thing to do, we’re disgusted with his behaviour but we’re so worried about him. His gf is a nightmare who brings her own specific brand of drama to everything and his entire family, including his teenage son, have disowned him. I honestly think he’s headed towards a nervous breakdown and needs support but I can’t get past what he did to his mum.

Is there anyway back from this (in terms of our friendship)?

I have a hard time believing that somebody who would go so far as to choke their own mother was genuinely acting out of character. Rather that their true character has just been exposed.

People can be very good at putting on a charming front to everyone except those they think they have the right to hurt. You don't know what he was like to his mother behind closed doors before now. Choking is a sadly common form of physical abuse when abusers escalate their attempts to get control of someone.

Why do you think he's headed for a nervous breakdown? What else about his behaviour makes you say this? Or are you basing it solely on this incident?

What do you mean about his gf? What has that got to do with your friend choking his mother? Are you saying that if your partner was "dramatic" it would drive you to choke your own mother and therefore you sympathise with him? Because otherwise I can't see the relevance unless you've missed out something massive.

I would not be friends with someone who had violently assaulted his mother. She must have been terrified. Why are you making excuses for him?

It truly is out of character for him and this isn’t the person I’ve known for the past 9 years or that my DP has known for pretty much her entire life.

He needs help and we’ve been trying to convince him to seek counselling or see a psychologist for a long time - he’s struggled with depression for years and can’t deal with all the drama with his current gf but won’t split up with her. She’s very volatile and has cut off all of her family because of the ways they’ve slighted her (all of the reasons she’s given for going NC are ridiculous). I absolutely agree that her drama does not in anyway excuse what he’s done but I can see just how much stress it’s placed him under. I don’t blame her in anyway for what he’s done and his crappy relationship is no excuse.

I know it sounds as if I’m trying to excuse his behaviour, I’m really not, despite how many times I’ve said ‘but’ in this post. What he’s done is so far from acceptable it’s not funny but he’s lost all of his other friends because of his gf and now his family over his attack on his mum. I look back on the person I first met and the stories I’ve heard from when he was younger and I miss that person.

Going NC was definitely the right thing to do but I’m worried about what he might do next. He literally has no one left and with his son not talking to him we’re very concerned about his mental health.

It’s such a shock because he genuinely was the last person I’d ever have thought would do this and he’s been such a central part of our lives for years but what he’s done is unforgivable.

Domestic violence has always been very black and white for me but I’m now finding myself looking for grey areas and trying to work out if there’s any way to rebuild the friendship. It’s not possible though is it?

It is lovely that, even now, you're so ready to see the good in this man. However, as your DP's friend plainly needs help but isn't seeking it, then people opting for NC might be part of the prompt that is necessary for him to realise that.

If he seeks help, makes amends with his mother, and the rest of his life seems to be on a good path, then, maybe, review the NC at some point in the future.

For now, NC makes so much sense. It's as the saying goes, "You don't have to loathe the person to loathe their actions but they do need to know when their actions are unacceptable".

If it's truly out of character and he has changed into this way from a time point, perhaps he is medically ill? Just putting out there as a possibility as brain trauma and other conditions can affect personality and induce violent tendencies whereas it never was before

There is always 2 sides to every story.
Do you know what his mum had done to upset him?
Not that violence is ever the answer but if this is out of character something but have triggered it.
Is he on any kind of medication?
Had he been drinking ?
I think I'd be asking a lot more questions before completely washing my hands of a long standing friend.

I know what his mum said before he attacked her and it’s nothing he hasn’t heard from lots of us before and he’s never reacted like this before.

He wasn’t drinking and he’s not on any medication (but I suspect that’s half of the problem).

We’re meeting up with his family next week and will take our lead from them. He desperately needs help but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get past what he’s done.

Just a little update - had a ranting text message from our now ex friend telling us that he felt attacked by us over what happened and totally unsupported and demanding that we deleted his number.

I guess that says it all really - he still doesn’t get it and sees us calling him out on his behaviour as worse than him attacking his poor mum.

What an awful way to end such a long friendship :(

Could you text him something like
We are worried about you, you don't seem like yourself lately. Please let me know if I can help you get back to your normal self.
Unless he contacts you asking for support just ignore him. If one day he is ready to ask for help, or has got help and wants to resume the friendship he will know you are there.

he slapped and tried to choke another person (that she is his mother is irrelevant)

There is always 2 sides to every story.
Do you know what his mum had done to upset him?

Really? so many people think being violent is ok if you have the "right" provocations. it isn't.

OP, given what you describe, your friend sounds like he is descending into something awful. I would be worried about something serious going on with him - brain tumour, mental illness etc. Could you reach out to him and ask him to go to GP for a check up?

I too suspect that rather than being out of character more a case of those in the know refusing to cover for him any more.

IF however it truly is out of character, NOT an excuse but in some men depression can lead to increase in testosterone and other chemical issues that lead to higher levels of aggression.

But even if that is the case the answer is not for him to be let off but for him to take responsibility and get help. Anti-depressants can help as can therapy.

He is CHOOSING not to get medical help, and not to leave a source of increased stress in the gf. He is responsible for those choices.

Until such a point as he's willing to try and make a difference himself it's pointless trying to help him.

Hope you're supporting his family especially his poor mum though. Not only will she have had a hell of a fright she must be worried sick about him.