heart broken and confused

[lawley18]

this is going to be a long one so i apologize in advance :)

3 months ago i found out that my husband had kissed a woman in a pub and 5 days after the kiss started messaging another woman he even mentioned to the woman that he was married!! she kindly sent me screen shots of the messages.
he was away with work when i found out and didn't come back for 2 weeks, by that time i had had time to digest what had happened and we met up, i said i could forgive him and put it behind us, he seemed surprised that i was willing to do that but grateful, he said he didn't know why he had done it, and when we were talking about it he was visibly embarrassed and ashamed, nothing like this had ever happened before and even with the proof i still struggled to believe it, i found it really hard and felt massively betrayed.

we have been together since we were 17 i'm now 35, we have 2 children 16 and 9,3 weeks ago he walked out (he works away a bit) 2 weeks ago he ended the relationship sat in the car by saying that he didn't feel the same about me anymore, the following day he told the children (our son and him are incredibly close totally inseparable its devastating to watch)
we have always worked through our problems, always we have said we would never give up on our family or each other and he has, he said that if he could change the way he feels he would come back but he cant, he wishes things were different.
i am still in shock, days before he left he held face in his hands and told me we would get through anything, that he adores me!! then he left!!
i still don't believe that he doesn't love me and its not denial i just know him, he has said he wants a life were he doesn't hurt the people around him, that i deserve someone to love me the same as i love them up until, Thursday (thursday was a terrible day) i had hung on that he would come back, friday morning i told myself it was over,
we work together also at the same company, and i told a co-worker he was gobsmacked the 6 people that i have told cant believe it!!

this is the confusing part, he hasn't told a single person not 1, (except the children) ive asked him numerous times why he said he doesn't want to talk about it, he is also still wearing his wedding ring and said he hasn't even thought of divorce?!

hes sleeping in my office at work when hes not away and leaving before i arrive

this morning i sent him a message saying that i had accepted it not agreed with it but that i respected his decision and his honesty and if it is meant to be we will be, i asked him not to reply but he did anyway saying he will never love anyone the way he loved me and that he was sorry and that our memories will stay with him forever and that he hoped i can be happy again.
do i hold on? or do i let him go? i love him very much and i just dont believe that he doesn't love!!
advice please as i am going insane- sorry again for the length!!:)

Why are you begging him back op he cheated and still left.

because i love him, he wasn't just my husband he was my best friend

He obviously doesn’t love you enough to not cheat and not stay with you after you forgiven him. I know it’s hard but you need to accept the situation and try to move forward

He was. He's not any more. He other has feelings for the other woman or he just wants the freedom to play the field without guilt.

*either

It sounds to me like guilt, It could me be that he's done something else (with a different woman) and he feels like he can't face you. This would explain why he is hiding from you and is apologetic in his behaviour.

Whatever has happened he sounds like he is torn and clearly struggling but you have to think about yourself and your kids. This is his bad not yours. He has to work things out himself and stop giving you mixed messages. x

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I know your heart is breaking and you want to understand and make sense of it all.

He checked out long ago and has been trying to and with some success connect with other women. Men are simple creatures. In my experience that deep love isn't exciting enough and not worth shit so went looking for something exciting.

I had all this advice and ignored it. It cost me emotionally and financially. Because I thought if I just waited and was there for him he would see his mistake. He didn't

Go as no contact as you can. Get legal advice so you
Know where you stand. Talk maintenance and agree contact times. Do not let him come and go as he pleases. Start packing up his things.

I do know how hard this is. I was there this time last year. He came back in oct. Then left for good new year eve.

Show Him you means business it
Might be enough to shock him and he will realise all he is walked away from.

Gather people around you. Lean on them. They will want to help. Seek professional support if you think you need it. And eat when you can. This will get easier in time.

Find your self respect, tell people what’s happened and seek to move on.

It seems very unlikely, given that he was text messaging women he barely knew, that the times you found out about are the only times he was unfaithful.

It sounds like he has an OW, or has his eye on someone, or simply decided it was unfair to you and the DC that he had been unfaithful (possibly lots of times) and would be again in the future.

He might not be telling people because of fear of their judgment.

Sleeping in the office is a shit plan, likely to be misconduct for most employers.

i have read other posts and it does seem like ow is probably possible.
thank you for the advice i am emotional today as would have been our wedding anniversary.
it doesn't seem like hes thought his plan through like it was just an instant reaction.
i know i have to let go as im hurting myself holding on
thank you again

Sad as it is for you right now, it does sound like he's checked out. I'm sorry you are going through this but it sounds like he's made his mind up but desperately doesn't want you to be hurting. He doesn't want to continue to treat you badly and that means you can hopefully be amicable for the kids. Maybe you will even carry on being friends.

Obviously you will get over it in the future and it sounds like you're doing well getting your head around the idea already. A time will come when you are in a position to meet someone else and may even look back and think this was for the best. Nobody wants to be in a relationship where the other person in uncertain about their feelings and is having their head turned by other women. It's no way to live.

I'm sure you'll get plenty of support on here while you are going through what will inevitably be a painful journey. x

What a bastard firstly don’t let him sleep in your office. If you are not good enough for him, make him find somewhere else to sleep.

Pack his clothes, make him give house keys back, leave clothes in the front garden tell him to collect them. If he wants to act like a twat treat him let one.

Get legal advice on maintenance/mortgage/rent payments and him having the kids.

Toughen up don’t be a walkover. Let him see you are not stupid

I suspect he's not a bastard. He has done the right thing and ended it. People can't help the way they feel. However, he should have ended it before exploring other options!

If OP starts acting all angry and bitter then it will be detrimental to them being able to stay amicable and that would not be in the kids' best interests.

From what OP has said, it sounds like he still cares for her a great deal and wants to minimise the pain he is causing. It sounds like they can work it through without animosity which is best for everyone.