Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

I’ve ended things. I’ve done it.

51 replies

yellowhands · 30/06/2018 19:51

I’ve just ended things with DP and told him to leave. It was surprisingly civilised. He speaks to me like shit and does barely anything round the house. I’ve been fantasising about ending it all day but never thought I’d actually have the guts. It feels different this time, like I’ve reached breaking point.

I’m surprisingly calm, my heart is racing though and I feel a bit nervous? He’s packing a bag in the other room.

OP posts:

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 30/06/2018 21:11

They all spout this shit when they realise you are done to make you back down. Looks like its working for him. Unless of course you have all his crap waiting for him when he gets back and he can go stay with his brother. Don't really understand why you caved, you know he is talking bollocks??

Original poster

yellowhands · 30/06/2018 21:12

Really him doing a couple of food shops is worth putting up with him for longer ? I know this probably wasn’t meant to but it really made me laugh because the answer is no. I think I’ve got a long night ahead of me.

There is zero chance he will change after 3 years is there?

OP posts:

Original poster

yellowhands · 30/06/2018 21:13

Maybe I’m just too nice. I can’t believe he could be that calculated or nasty to just think oh crying hasn’t worked now I’ll finally tell her everything she wants to hear.

OP posts:

SparklyMagpie · 30/06/2018 21:13

I'd bet everything I own on it OP

You was all geared up for this, his words mean fuck all

SparklyMagpie · 30/06/2018 21:14

Oh believe me, they are

sparklepops123 · 30/06/2018 21:15

No if you give in now and let him back it'll be less than a week and you'll be cursing yourself and he'll never believe you mean it

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 30/06/2018 21:19

A lot of times it's down to sheer laziness. If he has to move out it means more work and organisation for him to do, far easier to say all the stuff they know you want to hear with zero chance of following through. Couple of weeks later it will be back to normal, guaranteed. He has shown you what his true nature is (a knob), why don't you believe it?

eggncress · 30/06/2018 21:20

You could tell him to move out anyway and move back once he changes( never)

Clutterbugsmum · 30/06/2018 21:29

Of course he not going to change, or he might just long enough to real you back into your place.

How much longer do you have on your rental agreement.

Gemini69 · 30/06/2018 21:29

Yes... you have just been played...

fluffyrobin · 30/06/2018 21:31

It's never what they say but what they do that counts.

He sounds so selfish and has no consideration for you, what a terrible toxic role model for your child.

Think of his worst behaviour and imagine your child copying that as that will be normal if you let him stay.

gamerchick · 30/06/2018 21:37

Have I just been played?

You have, like a fiddle. He knows exactly what you want to hear so has given you enough to back down. Which should tell you that he's known all along what he should be doing he just didn't want to.

Ryder63 · 30/06/2018 21:39

He knows exactly what you want to hear so has given you enough to back down. Which should tell you that he's known all along what he should be doing he just didn't want to.

^ THIS!

Original poster

yellowhands · 30/06/2018 21:52

He doesn’t even keep it up for two weeks. He once did the washing up for 3 days in a row. I work more hours than him now and he still does nothing.

That’s very true gamer. He’s always known, he isn’t stupid.

Housing situation should be ok. I’d have to apply for UC though to cover all of the rent and that takes 6 weeks if I understand? If he doesn’t pay the rent and council tax I have enough in savings to cover it but I’d be bloody fuming.

I don’t know what to expect when he gets back. Just want to run away and hide.

OP posts:

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 30/06/2018 22:33

'I don’t know what to expect when he gets back. Just want to run away and hide.'

You want him out so make it happen, why wait and see what he decides will happen?
Understsandable how difficult this is but failing to take control of this situation simply means you will put up and shut up.
He is wearing you down, as per usual, and wants you back in your obedient, passive box. Up to YOU to decide what your future will be, op.

RoseMartha · 30/06/2018 22:46

He might change in the short term but I doubt it will last. I am saying this as someone who gave a second chance and it took me over two years after this to end it because it was better for about six months and then it went back to worse than it was before.
I am now in a limbo situation divorce wise and still in same house as him.
So stick to your guns and end it now is my advice

Supa3girl · 30/06/2018 23:02

I've experienced the ringer and treated like poop no doubt about it, you would expect I'd be negative.

I think you have a chance to go to counselling and put some long terms procedures that COULD prompt a positive result.

It is down to you regardless of whether you go for broke.

Mumsnet is only a cluster of sentiments don't give us a chance to manage your happiness.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 30/06/2018 23:08

You have to judge on the basis of the years of evidence you have to date and not the two hour old promises he’s made when his back’s to the wall.

lifebegins50 · 01/07/2018 00:01

The reason he is unlikely to change is because our behaviours are linked to our beliefs.
.
To alter behaviour long term you have to change your beliefs...maybe be thinks its the womans job to clean, cook etc.

His attitude to money seems routed in a deeply held attitude so he will struggle to change his behaviour.

confusedmomm · 01/07/2018 00:53

Good for you stick to your guts

Whatdoido2018 · 01/07/2018 02:02

UC will give you an advance of 100% of what your payment will be, whilst your claim is processing. It's no longer a 3 week wait though. Now 4 weeks I think which given the fact they're giving you the advance, it cancels it out.

Whatdoido2018 · 01/07/2018 02:03

*No longer a 6 week wait, I meant, not 3

SoNotaWendy · 01/07/2018 02:19

he was crying about losing his precious family and two minutes later he was threatening to cancel the rent payment on your home.

There is a cycle to this stuff.

crying -aka manipulation, fake niceness, some planning, anger when you won't be manipulated, more abuse, silence and peace for a bit, more martyrdom, then some more fake niceness, then some more machiavellian planning, more fake niceness, genuine anger that you can't be controlled, more genuine martyrdom.............. rinse repeat

milkysmum · 01/07/2018 08:33

I've told my husband this weekend that out marriage is over- he is refusing to go. We joint own the house so I'm not sure how to get him out. We have 2 DC age 9 and 7.
Stay strong OP.

Gemini69 · 01/07/2018 21:22

I'm confused OP.. has he left or ? did you take him back ?

Flip

1 2 3