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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Found him texting another woman on my birthday :(

22 replies

Bubblesandcake · 30/06/2018 18:17

Been seeing a guy for 7 months. For the last 2 things haven't been great. As in finding out we are not quite compatible. I'm a full time nursing student with 2 dd's and no help from my exH. So my free time is limited. Money is tight. He was married to a GP so has experienced a different lifestyle to mine for many years (he's a teacher). He finds it difficult to adapt to his change in lifestyle. However, he isn't short of money. My situation is temporary as I will be qualified in 6 months. My girls go to my mums once a month to allow me to have a bit of free time. He would want to go out and kept on about weekends away but I really have not got the money. I think this eventually annoyed him. I'd cook and he would come to me but I felt he found things difficult with my dd's here alot. I sensed tension, like he didn't want to be here (only one night on a weekend).
Anyway, I felt he was becoming a little secretive and on his phone more. I questioned it. He said to me I would never ever do that, I know how much it hurts. He also would say to me, tell me if you ate not interested or happy, don't cheat. I would always try to express my needs but he never listened. I even told him on 2 occasions it wasn't working but he would plead to try again. All along, as I know now. He met someone 3 months ago and apparently when we fall out he texts her.
I confronted him on my birthday. He admitted to the above. Telling me when he wasn't feeling the love from me, he contacted her. He gets lonely. I said you choose not to visit when you can so you didn't have to be lonely ( he would say half hour drive is too much during the week and get annoyed I couldn't drive to him). Then said to me, yes, I'm a dick and she hates me too as I'm here with you. I answered, well yes, it's my birthday and I'm your girlfriend. I have never not shown you love, just expressed my needs on the occasions he was so self absorbed (all I wanted was 'normal', walks, films, couldn't afford meals or cinema but eat tea and watch a film). He would tell me, well we can't go anywhere you can't afford it.
Anyway, I obviously told him to leave.
I'm now feeling empty. He made me feel crazy for questioning him a few weeks ago, but I had this gut instinct and clearly I was right.
I know I have to go through this pain. I even tell myself it wasn't right anyway. I let him in to my home, my life :(
Why do I feel so sad? How can I get over this? How will trust again?

OP posts:

SoNotaWendy · 30/06/2018 18:22

On your birthday.................. :-(

Now you don't have to push water uphill trying to be compatible though. That never makes a person happier.

I am an SP and have dated men who had more free time and just wanted somebody to fly off on weekends to lisbon at a moment's notice and that sort of thing. I ended up feeling much less happy with my life.

he's not even loyal/faithful though, incompatabilities aside, he wasn't loyal.

katseyes7 · 30/06/2018 18:23

Get rid. lf he's doing it this early in the relation, he's not going to change. You deserve much, much better. x

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 30/06/2018 18:25

You feel sad because that's what we humans feel when our hopes and desires don't get fulfilled. You get over it by grieving. You learn to trust again by learning to trust yourself. You'd realised that you weren't compatible. You realised he wasn't committed to the relationship. You realised something was going on. Start believing you have the right to be happy and to be loved in the way you need. Make a resolution to not stay in relationships that aren't working. If you make that commitment to yourself, you'll be just fine.

Cricrichan · 30/06/2018 18:31

It shouldn't be anything but absolutely amazing at 7 months. Don't look back

katseyes7 · 30/06/2018 18:33

Sorry, l sent that last one too early without editing! ln my experience, he'll do it again. And again. He's not right for you (and not good enough either!) and sounds pretty childish really. A half hour drive's too far? And he's on decent money but expected you to pay for yourself?
lt won't feel like it, but you've dodged a bullet there. As you say, your situation is temporary, in a few months you'll be better off financially.
lf it were me, l'd spend that time with my girls and looking after myself, knowing that every day's a day closer to that. Trust your gut instinct.
l've always found that l've 'found' someone when l wasn't looking. Best of luck xxx

Original poster

Bubblesandcake · 30/06/2018 18:44

Thanks everyone! :)
That's exactly what I want to do. Try to spend time with my dd's and look after myself. It's like a dark cloud over you with a sticky feeling in your tummy permanently.
I think, Yes, that's exactly it. I had hopes and dreams and they have been shattered. You just think you know someone and they become a part of your life and then all of a sudden it's gone!

OP posts:

SoNotaWendy · 30/06/2018 18:49

that's very wise @mysteriesoftheorganism, my last relationship, he was so keen to begin with and my gut told me he could be a GREAT friend, a platonic friend on the same page, and yet I ignored my gut instinct and allowed him to direct us in to a romantic relationship which obviously didn't work because there was no chemistry (he broke it off for that reason! and the irony was that that was my first impression!) so you're right, the answer is to trust your own judgement.

Original poster

Bubblesandcake · 01/07/2018 11:24

I feel like it's not my self esteem that has been crushed, it's who I am about has been. My life, lack of money, lack of time but these things are not my fault. All I wanted was for him to understand my situation but instead he would tell me to work more or not expect him to travel to me when I'm not prepared to travel to him.
He told me if things were perfect he wouldn't have been chatting to someone else.

OP posts:

xxconfusedxx · 01/07/2018 15:02

Great posts from mysteries and wendy - trust your gut, it's normally right.
It's very easy to feel bad about yourself in these situations but just remember, not all people have the same morals as you do, you can't change them no matter how nice they are. He will move on and be like this over and over again whereas you will move on to someone who treats you properly, keep smiling OP.

HellonHeels · 01/07/2018 15:12

He sounds like a wanker. No decent person would have behaved like he did to you. You're a lone parent and a nursing student, there's no more time in your week for working more. Sorry it happened on your birthday but you deserve much better than him.

Haberpop · 01/07/2018 15:58

He texts other women because he is an arrogant twat who thinks more of his penis than he does of any woman he meets. You are well shot. There are plenty of good men out there who will treat you with love and respect meanwhile he will end up a sad and lonely old man.

OverTheHedgeHammy · 01/07/2018 17:11

He told me if things were perfect he wouldn't have been chatting to someone else Wow, what a perfect arse! You're well rid OP.

Original poster

Bubblesandcake · 01/07/2018 21:52

I know that deep down. I guess it's the hurt of what I thought was meant to be or could have been.
I don't even know what is normal and what is not in relationships anymore :(

OP posts:

Turkkadin · 02/07/2018 00:03

You are setting the bar pitifully low.

Original poster

Bubblesandcake · 02/07/2018 07:07

How so?

OP posts:

Turkkadin · 02/07/2018 09:21

Because he is offering you nothing. He can't even empathise with the fact that you are coping with a nursing degree aswell as bringing up 2 daughters alone. He won't even take you out anywhere unless you Are paying for yourself and you said yourself he isn't hard up for money.
He sounds a waste I'd air. He isn't interested in your wellbeing and he isn't interested in your children.

cakecakecheese · 02/07/2018 09:28

He texted another woman on your birthday then tried to twist it to make it your fault. You are much better off without him. It hurts but it will get easier

Original poster

Bubblesandcake · 02/07/2018 09:39

I really do know he wasn't right for me. He never empathised once, you're right. If anything he would pick at things I should be doing as a mum. I knew all of this which makes it so annoying to think, why am I so hurt.

OP posts:

headinhands · 02/07/2018 09:42

he would say half hour drive is too much during the week and get annoyed I couldn't drive to him).

Bin him. In the early stages of my relationship dh was driving 1.5 hrs after to work to see me. And driving back at 5am.

clumsyduck · 02/07/2018 11:43

Sorry op but sounds like a lucky escape to find out now and ditch the idiot !! 7 months in should be easy and fun .

He sounds miserable , stingy and unrealistic , moaning about your lack of money but couldn't afford to take you out / away for a night when you had time off . A decent guy would want to surely seeing how hard you are working ?

lottsagain · 02/07/2018 11:59

You sound like you've got your plate full anyway, no need to add a tedious human being into the mix.

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/07/2018 12:24

I can't get over the fact that he whinged about not being able to go out because you can't afford it without, seemingly, it even crossing his mind that he could offer to treat you?

And then he has the nerve to blame you for not loving him enough to saave him from messaging other women? What an utter twat. Let some other poor woman have him, he sounds mean and entitled and you can do far better than that!

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