Dealing with my widowed narcissistic DM

[maaustin2014]

i lost my DD 7 months ago in quite traumatic circumstances. I was there when he died. He was elderly and frail and of course I knew he would die one day but I just never imagined seeing him end his days in the way that I did.

Since then I've been helping my mum as much as my other responsibilities to my family, my job and at the cost of my limited free time will allow. She lives an hours round trip away but I've taken her shopping every week, helped keep her home clean, taken care of all her financial matters, rung her up to three times a day and brought her to my home after work whereby she has ignored my partner. We've been together four years and she still hasn't addressed him directly.

It was my birthday last week and as I had friends over in the evening I explained I wouldn't call then as I didn't know what time they would leave but I would ring her in the daytime. On my birthday she called me to say that she was ringing me as I was too busy to call her and then hung up on me. That was all she said.

Prior to this over the last few weeks she has pecked away at my self esteem by remarking I don't wear enough make up, that I've never been slim and that I should remember my ex husband had a difficult childhood, despite the fact he was an abusive arse to my son and myself. She also threatens suicide regularly to myself and one of my brothers who is doing more than me as he is her favourite child.

Since I've been helping her and speaking to her on a daily basis my anxiety has got worse and I'm now on anti-depressants. I have an inflammatory health issue which is worsened by having to deal with her wheelchair.

I've gone in to some kind of meltdown and I've blocked her number, not called her and haven't been round there since my birthday last week. I've spoken with my brother who has said I need to take some time out to protect my mental health as I spent most of my birthday upset and missing my dad especially as it was the first birthday without him and on the back of Father's Day.

Since my dad has died she's expressed no concern for mine or my brothers feelings about the loss of our dad. It's like it's only happened to her and she's angry because he went first and now isn't around to take her shopping and be her slave. She was a barrier to him. We couldn't include him in our lives and he wouldn't stand up to her.

If I was advising a friend I would say stay away until she apologises and treats you better so why do I feel so incredibly guilty? My partner can't understand what hold she has on everyone. She basically abused my dad until his death and was even slagging him off as he lay dying on the floor. I just don't know what to do. I realise she is a bully and uses manipulation and emotional blackmail.

Sorry this has been so long. Thank you for reading and if you can give a view I'd be grateful to hear what others think and any ideas you might have if this all seems familiar from personal experience.

i had a grandmother like this. i was the only one local to her and she was exactly the same. calls to my answerphone trying to guilt me, all sorts i wont go into but the only time my children remember me crying was at the way she treated me!
in the end i wrote to her and said sorry that i am not a good enough grandaughter to you. if you want to apologise to me for the way you have treated me i will be waiting.
literally it was the last straw but it felt good. she was in a retirement flat and could afford help. so she wasnt left in the lurch

Sounds like my aunt. She was hard work as a mobile relative but developed MS and while I grasp it must have been awful she saw it as a license to be an awful madam. Dd was due Xmas eve so I told her unfortunately Xmas would have to be at home that year. She huffed and hung up, never even enquired about dd or the dc at all. Told her politely the one thing she wanted from me I was unable to provide. I had many dc and no car and lived about 50 miles away!!
She actually guilt tripped her own aunt - in her 70's - to bus it from even further away weekly and leave her freezer full of home cooked food!! Insane.
Don't offer more than your mh can stand. Weekly calls, shopping by home delivery and stop feeling bad - you need to look after yourself.

My dm went completely off her rocker when df died.

I was in my 20s with no life experience and didn’t realise that she was having a complete mental breakdown. She refused to see a bereavement counsellor, and just leant on me. She was also awful at the same time, at one point saying she wished it had been me instead of df who died.

I now see so many elderly “Merry Widows” who seem to blossom when their dh shuffles off, but dm never managed to come to any kind of peace, let alone feelings of cheerfulness again.

I think that there is a generation of women who relied heavily on their husbands, particularly for driving them around. In fact dsis and I would chortle at the lonely hearts columns in “Yours” magazine, in which the ladies seeking gentlemen would always state “car owner essential” !!

Your brother totally knows the position you are in- take his advice. Set a time period like 6 weeks no contact and after that see if you are strong enough to set boundaries and keep to them, if not give yourself more time.
Don’t put yourself in slave role- she will always want more than she needs and more than you can give.
Disrespectful behaviour to your partner in his own home is totally unacceptable.

It sounds like she's always been like this. Read up on narcissistic parents and encourage your brother to and then leave her to rot (you may need counselling)

You do have to put yourself first for the sake of your own health and the well-being of your immediate family. There may not be a way to escape the guilt but it's likely to lessen as you rest and gain some improved mental well-being.

I have been in a comparable situation. It was totally overwhelming. I reached complete burnout (marriage/children were suffering) before we finally realised that my DF didn't actually care about how many balls I was juggling. He was just going to take whatever I gave until the day he died. I had to mentally play different situations forward a few years and think what course of action would cause me most personal regret. It may not be the right choice for everyone but I decided the children and I came first.

There were difficult conversations during which I was firmly closed down and I had to firmly put forward the reality of the situation as it was affecting my children. At the end of the day, if an elderly parent doesn't accept more support from outside sources and you have explained why you can't give it, it is their choice to go without or be lonely.

There are so many things you can out source if the money is there. Meals. Cleaning. Shopping. Someone to sit/ring up at a regular time and report problems to you if necessary. Clubs. Alarms and buzzers. There is no reason for the responsibility to be on your shoulders. Once you're not responsible, you can then be cheerful and friendly but with firm boundaries, knowing that important needs are being met.

But you do have to live with knowing that whoever she has talked to has probably talked to someone else. Regardless of whether they stuck their own parent in a nursing home or not, bystanders seem to judge easily.

No need for further advice. I totally agree with everyone else. But I just wanted to say how much I sympathize with you. You must put yourself and your own family first.

I always find the analogy of putting the oxygen mask over your own face before you try to help others a very good one. If you come unglued your family will suffer.

Gossip can work in different ways, Prayer. I've known people say what a nightmare some old person is and how sorry they are for their DD (because it usually is the woman who gets landed with elderly relatives)