Friendships changing in 40s

[Bellalunagirl]

Have you found that your friendships have changed during your forties?

Are you less tolerant of behaviours than you were in your younger years?

I'm struggling with the impact that alcohol has had on a close friendship group I have had since my 20s. Binge drinking really. It spoils every meet up with have and results in the same pattern over and over.

I'm sick of seeing my friends with glasses in their hands on social media making out it's a completely amazing thing they are doing. I just keep thinking about the poor kids in the background having to watch mum get drunk again

I tried to talk to another group member to see if we could broach the subject together with the rest of the group. She totally agreed with me, then went straight back to enabling by egging on the binge drinker.

I'm now getting raised eyebrows because I am drawing back on going on the weekends away. I know exactly how they will go, it's the same pattern over and over so I've got to the point where I'm thinking what's the point?

Is there anyway to come back from this?

What exactly happens?

Is it BBQ type evening events or parties or is it whole families going away together and the mums start drinking after lunch etc ?

Mixture of family events and weekends away with friends. Every time the first thing that happens no matter what the time is alcohol is opened and the binge drinking starts. Mostly prosecco cause that's the cool thing to do now right no matter what the time

I sound like a cow but I'm fed up with having to put people to bed, apologise to bystanders in public, pretend everything is okay and look the other way.

I don't know what I want from this thread I just feel sad that this is how the group has gone

It's fine to move on. If you are really close to them, then be honest in a kind way and say that as you get older your body is far less tolerant of alcohol and when you are sober in that set up you feel out of place. You could encourage some different kinds of get togethers with them - walks and coffees, to see if they are genuinely interested in keepinga friendship with you alove, or whether they just need safety in numbers to feel it;s OK to get pissed all the time.

You'll find new friends. I almost never meet friends for drinks now - just walks. Much more fun and healthier.

Move on. You appear to have matured while some of your circle have not. Theirs sounds a shallow existence; boozing, living it large and desperately posting 'look at us having the best time ever' pictures to social media while constantly checking for 'likes'. People like that are usually the must unfulfilled and empty (empty vessels make the loudest noise is a motto I think of when I see groups like this). I had a friend like that, often drunk around her children in social situations. She used to taste my drink because she couldn't believe I could enjoy myself without alcohol. She needed to be having a 'mad' time all the time, when in reality she was deeply unhappy. Anyway she tried it on several times with my DH so the friendship ended!

If you don’t like doing the same things don’t hang out with them.
What’s the angst. If your friendships are all that shallow in the first place it won’t affect you much at all if they’re in your life or not.

I know people who drink, people who don’t drink, friendships transcend more that boozy sessions, if if you liked boozy sessions. If they don’t, it’s not proper fridship, it’s just a fun aquaitance

The angst is because we were a really close knit group that is being torn apart by alcohol.

Peasants I agree, what makes me really sad is I know that two of the group are not happy and they are clinging on by their fingernails. One I've had a heart to heart with to say that I'm here and listening, what can I do to help. But she's just not able to take the first step in helping herself and the other is in freefall. It makes me angry that so called friends are enabling her to do this rather than reaching out and saying are you okay? It's like she's become the entertainment for any social occasion.

I guess I'm just sad really.

I don't want to cut them loose but tbh I don't want to spend money I can't afford watching them self destruct. I'm not sure what to do.

I think you have to distance yourself. You can't save someone who doesn't admit they have a problem and doesn't want to be saved.

I have had similar concerns about a friend. She's not been in my life anything like as long as your friends. In the end I have stepped back from the friendship. I haven't severed all ties but I only go out with her now and again.

I feel her behaviour is utterly self destructive but realised there was no way I could broach it that would be seen as anything but negative by her.

Join club soda they run meetings on meet up website and possibly their website too. Google join club soda.

Make new alcohol free friends.

You don't want to do the same things anymore, stay friends but also make new ones. It's not the end of the world....

I personally wouldn’t ditch a close knit longstanding friendship group over this. When you’re 60/70 and they are still your mates you’ll be grateful. I’d give my right arm to have a friendship group like that. In fact, I was sitting here, Saturday afternoon, thinking how lovely it would be to have a group of old mates like that to call on. Not everyone has that so don’t throw it away lightly. That said, you don’t have to keep being the sensible adult of the group. When they start getting pissed just call it a night and leave early.

I hear you OP.

I'm 46 and have stopped hanging around with most of the groups I was friendly with.
Every social occasion was completely centred around alcohol (prosecco). All events were al Phil fests, ending at around 5am with grown adults lying on the floor on the street or face down in carpet in the hallway.
My tolerance for any alcohol went years ago. It became just a trail for me from beginning to end. No fun at all. Also, many of the dcs turned into early teens and started drinking the booze too. The adults thought it was all brilliant.

I just stopped going. Luckily, one of the group made time to start hanging out with me at other times - walks, lunches, coffee etc. We're really close now. She still goes to their get together but drinks far less. She's on holiday with them at the moment though and the whole of FB is full of selfies with many bottles of wine,

Luckily I have several other smaller groups of friends. They're not really into booze. I really don't miss the pressure to drink.

I feel really sad that many adults I know, mainly women are so hooked on the prosecco culture. I hope it's not because they're all so unhappy. I hate to think what it's doing to their health.

Phil fests? Sorry I meant alcohol fuelled fests.

Trampire

I feel really sad that many adults I know, mainly women are so hooked on the prosecco culture. I hope it's not because they're all so unhappy. I hate to think what it's doing to their health.

I think the prosecco culture is built on the extreme amount of pressure people are under today. Juggling kids and jobs, paying the mortgage, keeping up appearances. I personally think the prosecco culture encourages binge drinking to obliterate the stress but actually it just makes things worse because it destroys your health and strains relationships.

bella. I agree. So be there for them, for a coffee. I find brunch meet ups or morning teas etc work better. or move onto other people. maybe you could do a few one on ones, rather than the big reunion groups. walks and talking are good meet ups, keeps you them away from prosecco.

UK is swamped in Booze. a hangover once every 2 weeks is near enough a month being hungover....

This year prosecco, last year gin..

I would also think carefully about moving away from the group. Just go and leave on your terms, i.e. before it reaches the level that makes you uncomfortable.

That said, we went glamping recently and everyone started drinking early afternoon, meaning when we came back from our day out at 6pm, it was riotous. There is something wrong with our society if that's the new norm.

Is it mainly one drinker who is the problem?

It's live and let live I suppose.
I not a big drinker.
But have friends who are
I'm there if they need ti talk.
They've been there for me

Maybe distance your self.
My sister seems to have the right attitude. Friends until it doesn't 'fit' anymore , then moves on.
Seems to work and be healthy.
Good luck x

I have experienced similar only one half of the friendship group were not only drinking but taking loads of coke too- with the kids in the house. I kind of reassessed my opinion of them at that point.

I know a group like that was an occasional fringe member. Fast forward 15 years they are raddled pot bellied fake tanned losers now and wonder how I kept my looks. Some of them have been part exed for new partners who are sober. Just stay on the fringe is my advice.

Sometimes all you can do is try and lead by example. I’ve stopped drinking around some friends completely and hope the fact I’m still having fun gives them food for thought.

It's sad how many people use alcohol as a prop and measure as to how much fun life is.

What terrible role models they are to their DC.

But I also think there must be a lot of difficulty in a person's life for them to be like that.

I'd have a one to one with the worst ones privately and when sober about the effect they are having on their DC and how selfish it is.

Tbh it sounds extremely chavvy and embarrassing to have friends like that. Are they all overweight, tattoo'd, loud and swear a lot too?

I know what you mean, I like a couple of drinks and chilling out but others in our school mums group just want to get smashed and then I have to humour them all evening.

Coping strategies are: have a couple and make your excuses. ' I'm having an early night, I can't keep up with you'

Arrange other things, lunch, shopping, a walk etc where you get them sober and normal.

As I've hit forty I've gained a clarity that wasn't there before and I've definitely got a lot less tolerant. It's liberating actually. Hopefully this is a phase but don't let things like this ruin your friendship. Maybe this particular friend is going through a tough time. Real friends see through this behaviour and then take the mick a few years down the line.

nobody likes a martyr though, don't hang around and clean up after them, and pipe up if you think the others are using one friend to laugh at.