Why do men say this kind of thing

[RinkaIsAStrangeNameforADog]

A friend of mine is seeing a man she really likes (early stages) who when they were out on a date said to her about an ex-gf "she had a perfect body - no spare fat anywhere". My friend is a beautifully slim woman and this is obviously playing on her mind as she has mentioned it two or three times.

It reminded me of a similar thing I experienced some time ago with a man I was seeing who was talking about a woman he used to date a long time ago (I mean years - marriage and kids on both sides since then) and was just friends with "when she was young, she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen". I'd met this woman many times and can say for sure that this objectively is not true - but even though I knew it was not true, like me friend, it really bothered me as well.

I kept thinking "I wish he saw me like that. He's obviously never going to be as into me as he was into her."

Anyway my question is "WHY would a man say this to a woman he is dating?"

I'm looking for something a bit more sophisticated than "he's an arsehole."!!!!

I just don't get it - I'm aware of the whole negging player culture (slightly dissing a woman to arouse her insecurity before making a move) - but in neither case was it that situation. Both were dating relationships.

Is it thoughtlessness? Is it deliberately cruel? Is it a way of making themselves feel better ("I am a great guy because I have had hot women")? Is it deliberate to make the woman insecure?

WHY would you say this kind of thing to a woman you are dating? I would never dream of saying to a man "My ex-bf had the biggest cock/bank balance/ most perfect 6 pack I've ever seen". So why do men do this??

To keep your friend on her toes, I would suspect.

To let her know the score , hes only into slim women so dont you dare go putting on weight , also to give the message that shes lucky to have him as he can have any woman he wants , i would tell him to jog on

OP - you’ll hear two types of responses - (1) he is terrible; (2) she needs to work on her confidence

I am in the second camp. Who knows how the conversation went and in what context this was said.
So - his ex had a perfect body. So what? She is an ex for a reason, and body shape clearly isn’t everything needed to make a relationship work.
He is dating this current woman now. Why is she mentally comparing herself to the woman from the past?

And another part of - why would anyone say that - well, maybe because it is a factual statement?
Your friend might eventually see a picture of his ex - and if he made the ex sound like some unattractive person - while she was in fact gorgeous - then your friend would feel he was lying or hiding something.

And as to your last comment - if I had an ex - and he, in fact had a huge ... whatever - and the conversation went that way with a current partner - i’d say it as it was. Not to brag, but to not hide and pretend. If I can’t be honest and open about factual things - what’s the point?
Since I am not with the ex anymore - the size of his anything is irrelevant and not a threat.

To let her know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he's an utter tool and she should just get rid.

I dunno it depends on the context

I’ve said many times I wouldn’t date anyone incredibly overweight because I don’t find it attractive. It doesn’t make me a dick and it doesn’t make me shallow.

I’ve been on dates and said similar things to make it clear what my tastes are - “I wouldn’t date anybody with kids yet” just incase they’ve got any hidden children they hadn’t told me about, or “I wouldn’t date somebody who is married to their job” - that way if they WERE then they’d know I wasn’t the right person for them

I don’t really see the problem to be honest. If your friend and this man was talking about windows and he randomlly turned the conversation to his ex and her body then yeah walk away. But if they were talking about tastes or bodies etc or anything relating to a body type then I fail to see a problem

As for you, just because you didn’t find that woman incredibly beautiful it doesn’t mean he’s lying about how he felt towards her

If he’s saying stuff to make you insecure then yes he’s a twat but in these circumstance I think it says more about your insecurities than the man being a dick
A guy I dated once told me something about his ex and her body - I didn’t get insecure about it or think he was a twat

I completely disagree with MMMomDD. I wouldn't talk about my exes at all. Their appearance or size of anything is irrelevant.

I wouldn't be with someone who praised or criticized their exes looks or their size. It bears no relevance to anything.

He isn't with her now.
Sometimes a clumsy man might might be trying to say... "She was everything many people would find appealing, some of which appealed to me too, but I'm older and wiser, and found someone so much better... YOU"

Lots of women mention a handsome ex, or a successful partner. It's not particularly great to hear but it's honest. We are kidding ourselves if we assume we are the most attractive, most intelligent, most successful, best body...
But we may well be the perfect person for someone.

It’s tactless at best. If she’s now feeling crappy it’s not a good relationship. She needs to dump or question him about it. If he gets dismissive, dump.
I sometimes reflect on the gorgeousness of an ex bf I met working on a French campsite. I might tell a female friend. I wouldn’t be so rude as to reminisce to my dh about him though.

Men can be very literal-minded. He may consider the comment to be a simple statement of objective fact about a woman who is a serious gym bunny, particularly if he is into fitness himself.

Anyone else got a sexist advert on their page now? Got a man walking with his girlfriend, whistling at another woman. Girlfriend looks pissed off and the caption says something like
Women with boring bodies are becoming goddesses with almost no effort. WTAF??? Oh yes that looks enticing. FFS!!!

Perhaps just old fashioned stupidity? Sometimes even the nicest people drop a bollock and not realise. Even the nicest men (and women) can be blundering idiots!

Of course there are always more sinister reasons as PP have mentioned

I think many men have an idea of the kind of woman they deserve; however unrealistic, and do see themselves as having "settled" if the woman they end up with doesn't match up. Fundamentally they feel as though they're doing you a a favour by being with you so that comes out sometimes when they muse aloud about other beautiful women and their "perfect" bodies.

When any of us talk about someone in our past and we use a positive comment... Very funny, handsome, highly intelligent etc, it can make someone feel like it's a contrasting comment, even though it's not.
Even if it is in contrast, that does mean it's a better attribute.
A lot depends on context. A normal conversation about people, which might include a former partner is very different from reminiscing fondly.
The former is a fact of life we all have to deal with, the latter is tactless.

Because I they're rude. & insecure themselves. Bleating on about an ex when with someone new..I find that unattractive and pathetic. For some reason the guy then has zero sex appeal, for me. I might do a wide eyed sarcastic "ooooooh why did she dump you, did a guy with a better body come along?" if I could be bothered

I bet these losers don't have perfect bodies themselves either. & even if they do, their shallowness hasn't brought them what they want or they'd not be going on about long gone women. Idiots

@Cricrichan

And that just confirms that people are different.

Just to clarify - i wasn’t suggesting bringing up exes qualities and dimensions as a point of comparison.
But - at least - in my experience - part of getting to know each other for me often included talking a bit about history and the past.
Which might - or might not include conversations about exces.
I am a curious person - and also literal and rational.
So - i’ve had conversations about the ‘first time’; the hottest experiences, and best sex, and kinkiest moments, and, and, and... as well as most emotional moments, and scariest, and saddest...

I find that helps me to understand and learn about the man I am dating.
And if the person clams up and can’t share things from the past - it’s a huge turn off for me. I find that then I can’t open up and get close either.

But as I said - we are all different.

I agree with @MMmomDD. You can't deny the past, and if you're open and honest, it's inevitable an ex will turn up in conversation in some context.
'My ex was a good looking brunette' doesn't mean that because you're blonde, you don't measure up. It shouldn't be a measure of anything - you cannot measure a woman or a man in such terms (at least I can't).

If it's never ending recollections of an ex, then sure, I'd be concerned, but until then, wouldn't worry about it much.

I think the truth is, when we hear things about others, particularly positive things, we fall into the trap of thinking 'it's a list of things I am not' and it can be disheartening.

It wouldn't do him any harm to remind you of all the wonderful things YOU are. Not to boost your ego, but a reminder of where his actual thoughts are right now.

You don't need to deny the past, you just don't need to tell the person in your present that you'd rather be back there.

I didn't read it as 'rather be back there' - that would be an awful thing indeed, and if that's the case, she's with the wrong bloke anyway.

But if it's simply a general conversation along the lines of 'what do you appreciate in a person?' and he says 'well my ex had a wonderful body, and was very intelligent, but there was no chemistry or communication between us' then I don't see that as a put down of a current partner, it's just explaining a context that those attributes were pleasing, but ultimately what he wanted.
On the other hand, if a lady says 'I've been going to the gym and I'm getting myself in shape' and the guy responds with 'my ex had a perfect body' - then that's just crass.

We don't have the full context though.

MMmonDD that's not talking about your past though, that's describing an ex's looks which has absolutely nothing to do with them and is stupid to mention.

By all means discuss some relevant stuff but no way would I discuss sex and kinky stuff with a current partner. I can't see how that would end well. If you want to imagine your partner with a brunette ex with huge tits whilst they we're doing an exciting sexual position , you go ahead. I doubt most people would.

@Cricrichan

So - if current bf asks you - what sex was like with a previous bf - and you say - like this, or like that ...
It won’t end well?
Or - you’ll say - nope, not saying nada - and that ends well?

The fact that an ex is a busty brunette - you’ll know anyway. Hiding that fact - if the subject comes up in conversation - for me would mean that we can’t be honest.
Jealousy for the past partners makes no sense to me, sorry.
And physical attributes are just that.

I would resolutely not discuss my previous sex life with a current boyfriend. What is the point? We all have a past and that's where it should stay. That they had an amazing sex life or liked to go rollerblading together is relevant or of interest to you - why?? I wouldn't like to hear them criticise an ex's physique either. I don't get why you'd want to bring that into a relationship and no man I've seen has ever asked me what my sex life was with an ex.

The only bit I'm interested in is why it ended.

And it's nothing to do with jealousy. It's irrelevant and imagining my partner with someone else is something that I'm not into.

That's the thing..

You're with a new partner and want to understand them. Part of that learning process involves their experiences in the past.
He doesn't want to give oral sex? and you ask him why - he might say because his ex told him he was useless at it.
She does want to give you oral, but is nervous... you want to understand why? - because her ex demanded it, and you don't. She stil has mental scars...

How can either be open unless they discuss their past experiences?

Then you simply have more general conversations - let's say a man is not confident about his body. He asks the age old size question, and his partner says 'I've had bigger and it was not comfortable' - is this a bad answer? should she lie? Is he's paranoid that she had bigger (and he doesn't measure up) isn't that his issue?

It's all about context and intent. Use it to hurt, use it to explain. There are big differences.