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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not sure what to do for the best - don’t want to get hurt!

3 replies

StarStrucks · 29/06/2018 22:17

Thank you to anyone who gives this a read, this is my first post on mn so please bare with!

So.. I started dating a guy early last year, we got what I would call fairly serious quite quickly, we were seeing and staying with each other 3/4 times a week minimum. Needless to say I was head over heels. Fast forward about 8 months and he starts to go a little cold, cancelling dates, not texting back etc. So trying to nip this in the bud I sit him down to talk about what is happening (Ive had bad experiences with being cheated on in the past so was worried of the pattern). Anyway it was none of that, turns out his mum, who lives in Spain has terminal cancer and understandably was not coping well, we talked and I thought it went well I was just going to give him some space etc. Then a couple of days later he texts me - doesn’t want to see Each other any more, all the cliches you’re amazing etc I’m not good enough for you.. I was fuming. Said he was disrespectful etc.

Anyway, I found it really hard to cut contact with him and we met for lunch a couple of times and then carried on for dinner one thing led to another, we were practically dating again, seeing each other about once a week. But we never really discussed how we felt or what was actually happening. All this time his mum is still ill so I’m trying my best to help him with that.

Then I get some news, I have to change cities for my job (this was about 4 months ago) so I go, and we still text nearly everyday and speak on the phone about once a week, he keeps promising to come and visit but hasn’t had the chance. Throughout this time I try to get over him.. but keep on going back, I just can’t get over it (another point if anyone has any advice on!)

So now two things, he’s got a new job, which is based part time in the new city I moved to, he told me last week he’d accepted it so not started yet, do you think he’s done this so he will get the opportunity to see me or just a couple coincidence? Also he’s going to visit his mum in a couple of weeks, and asked me to go with him, I said maybe, I know he wants me to go to help him get through it, but I’ve never met her before and surely him and her need to spend some quality time together. Also I don’t just want to go and him to use me and a support blanket and then come back and just not see me.

Sorry, this is so long winded, i know there are people on here will so much worst problems, I just feel my mind is all over the place and writing it felt cathartic 🙈

OP posts:
AlwaysSleepy1 · 29/06/2018 23:29

I really think you need to talk to him again so you can understand what's going on as he's given you conflicting messages..

Alittlelost1 · 29/06/2018 23:29

Whatever you do, do not become his ‘blanket’ or therapist. Trust me, been there. The behaviour causes anxiety, their problem resoloves..... by which point you’re exhausted and feel like shit. They move on.....

I’m not saying don’t be there for him, or not to have faith in his intentions (regarding the move to the city you, too are in) but be careful x

mrbob · 29/06/2018 23:41

He will keep doing this sort of semi dating thing, on his terms until you push a bit. Then he will use the classic “but I TOLD you we weren’t in a relationship” line. Gets them out of all sorts and makes it seem like your were totally crazy to think that the fact you were spending time together, sleeping together, meeting his family etc implied anything.
He is keeping you just interested enough because I imagine he likes your company but he is not going to commit to anything.
The only way out is going non contact. Anything else is just prolonging this and keeping you stuck.
It is horrible. I have been there twice now and both times I couldn’t see it until my friends pointed it out (I just thought maybe they changed their minds) Hoping I am less naive next time!
Good luck. Don’t get sucked In because it screws with your head

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