How do you explain to someone you just don't want to be with them?

[creampie]

Me again.

How do you tell your husband you just don't want to be with him anymore? There's no triggers to the end of the relationship, just a general feeling of dissatisfaction and unhappiness that has built over time. I can't go on like this but I can't explain it to him. He doesn't know what he's done wrong. He hasn't really done anything. Without resorting to the classic "it's not you it's me" line, where do I even start?

Please give me some advice, I don't want to hurt him more than necessary

Just tell him. If you really are that unhappy you need to talk to him about it.

Tell him it doesnt give you what you need anymore. You dont miss him when you are not with him. You dont look forward to seeing him.

That spells it out loudly without blaming him or identifying the ways in which he is not your ideal man.

Have you tried expressing to him why you're dissatisfied?
If it was the other way round in sure you'd want a decent explanation...considering marriage is meant to be forever.

What are the reasons for your unhappiness?

I've been there. It helped that we'd talked before and agreed to try various things to see if they made a difference. When they didn't, I had to sit him down and tell him that my feelings hadn't changed and I had to end it now. I guess I mean it helped as in, it gave me an opening to the conversation and he wasn't blindsided. Does your husband know you're unhappy with him?

It's an appalling conversation to have. I really feel for you.

How a out telling him something is missing in your relationship. That you would like him to come to relate, please think about what you are doing, I know someone who split up her family like this, she is now alone and even more unhappy in a bedsit, and so even more unhappy.
Her ex is now with someone nice and she is very jealous and bitter over something she wanted.

He knows I'm unhappy but he wants to know why so we can fix it. I don't know why. Something is missing, I just don't have the emotional energy to dissect it all and find out what. In my head I've already left but I'm so afraid I'm making a mistake and will end up worse off like mummy says

@creampie Maybe it's worth trying counselling? A good one would help you get to the bottom of what you're feeling - and then you can decide if it can be fixed.

How old are you? How long together? Children?
I've done the same thing and it was the hardest thing to do. I always refer back to the advice I read on here that gave me the strength "you only get one life"
It just made me realise, I could have stayed and tolerated it but we can't live our lives unhappy to make someone else happy. Ultimately no one will be happy and you will both have wasted years you could have been finding someone who does give you what you need.

He might not know it yet, but I really believe that one day my ex will meet someone who makes his heart skip a beat and somewhere deep inside will thank me for being brave enough to end it. One day.

Tell him you dont want to fix it you want to move on.

It seems too blunt but it is better not to talk circles around the truth

Well you can’t possibly explain it to him if you don’t know why yourself. I think you should work that out before you do anything drastic, perhaps with the help of some personal counselling.

i disagree with that!

Listen to your feelings. You don't need to go to counselling so that you can prepare a better explanation for him! you're in the wrong relationship. That doesn't need counselling. I've had psychotherapy and I'd recommend it for everybody but I couldn't disagree more with the statement that you should go to therapy in order to be able to explain to HIM why you don't want to be with him. End it with a few statements that will sound very blunt to a people pleaser (like you probably are if you cannot end the relationship).

Here's how to end it. Talk about how you feel. And do not get drawn in to any examples to ''back up'' your feelings.

I don't want this relationship anymore
This relationship isn't right for me anymore.
This relationship doesn't make me happy.
I want to split up.

If he TRIES to draw you in to going over old ground and incidents that happend in the past to make you seem WRONG to want to end it then don't get drawn in to that, just say ''I want to be single. I cannot look forward to more of this relationship''.

Another 'trick' somebody manipulative who doesn't want to be dumped will pull is to bring the conversation back to your faults. As in you're not perfect either so how dare you dump me, i'm less imperfect than you are. So if they tell you all your flaws just agree and repeat that you want the relationship to end.

It is not reasonable to have as your goal "avoid all hurt feelings in the other party". They are going to be hurt, they have a right to be hurt, and there is no magic formula that will get them to agree with you that splitting up is in their best interests. So your goal is to minimise unnecessary hurt. You can do this by:

Use "I" statements - "I don't want to be in this relationship any more, my feelings have changed, etc." Don't list their faults or tell them ways in which they don't measure up. Make it about YOU and your feelings.

They may want to know why - there is no answer you can give to this that will be satisfactory (since the subconscious goal is to "prove" that your reasons aren't good enough so that you have to stay). Tell them you don't know why and repeat that your feelings have changed and you don't want to be in this relationship any more.

Be very clear - don't make vague statements about "not knowing where to go from here" or "needing time". The relationship is over, starting right now.

Don't try to get the other party to agree that they will be happier in the long run, splitting up is in their best interests, you're doing them a favour, etc. This may very well be true, but they will be in no mood to see it and will (rightly) perceive this as an attempt to make yourself feel better. Leave out any hint of "it's for your own good" and stick to the "I" stuff.

Have some practical plans in place - if you live together, one or both of you will need somewhere else to live. If you have joint property, one will need to buy the other out. You don't need to have your bags packed and hidden under the bed, but you do need a plan for what happens immediately after - you going to stay with a friend or family member for a few days, for example.

Don't get drawn into a discussion of future plans you have together - a holiday, a friend's wedding, etc. All of these things ultimately don't matter.

Good luck, OP. It's never a nice thing, but it has to be done.

Quite frankly, I find that with men you have to be blunt or it will go on forever and forever.
I'd just say I'm sorry but I don't love you anymore and I think we would be happier if we got divorced. Do you want to talk about it?

good post @sendintheardwolves

@SoNotaWendy I was suggesting counselling because I am in a similar situation and it's helped me enormously to pinpoint how I feel - and express it... and it means DH has to listen, and not dismiss me like he normally does.

OP - I wasn't meaning you should go to counselling to "justify" yourself to your DH. Only that it can be a help to you to explore how you feel.

Good luck.

The problem there is that you're assuming that if you can just phrase it better, just express yourself perfectly, then the H will be obliged to listen.

But no, it is very often a decision not to listen. I expressed myself perfectly well, my x just has a plethora of techniques to gaslight, obfuscate, stonewall, deflect, distract.........

When the title of the thread is ''how do you explain to someone that you just don't want to be with them?'' then I think the op 1) knows how she feels and 2) can put it in to words easily.

I read this and I gather that he chooses not to hear.

So the OP should stop waiting for him to react as though he has processed and accepted what she has said. That will never happen. He realises that if he doesn't give you his blessing to leave the relationship, you don't consider it over.

That's how OP is still on his hook. She believes she needs his blessing to end the relationship. And she believes that if she can just explain it better he will maybe give her his blessing to end it.

That won't happen based on the information given so far.

OP should ask herself, what would I do if I were to tell him it was over and he said ''oh, ok, that's sad, I'll miss you, but I accept it''. What would she do? pack, flat hunt? Whatever she'd do if he said 'ok' then she needs to do that anyway regardless of him acting like he hasn't heard her and the relationship is not over.

Good luck OP

Like I say, just based on personal experience... it's not changing how my DH responds - he's not suddenly seeing the light. But it has helped me be able to put words to the feelings I have. And that has helped me feel stronger. That's why I suggested it

@creampie - only you know if having counselling together or alone would be any use. Definitely not saying it's the answer every time, just a thought because of how it's helped me.

Great answer from sendintheardwolves

OP, from experience, you can't avoid hurt; but you can be kind, while staying firm.

Therapy might be a good idea to support you through and after it too.

All the best. It's shit - but it's not shit forever

If it's gone, it's gone. Don't leave room for doubt. If you have children, then consider who will have primary responsibility. If you both own where you live, be the one who moves on.

See, I don’t agree with “if it’s gone, it’s gone”. Long term relationships go through ups and downs and both partners feel like they’d be happier apart on occasions.

OP has feelings of dissatisfaction and unhappiness but doesn’t know why and isn’t attributing it to any bad behaviour from her husband. That’s why I think she needs some external support to explore her feelings and work out whether this is part of the normal ups and downs of marriage or genuinely the end.

Maybe these feelings are because of other dissatisfactions with her life and can’t all be attributed to the relationship. This too, is very common, and making changes in other aspects of your life can have a positive impact on your relationship.

Maybe, it is the marriage that is the problem, and then I agree with everything you are all saying, but I’m not convinced that the OP knows this for sure at this stage.