Those who are not attracted to their partners - how do you deal with this?

[RetinolAddict]

DH is a lovely man and I do love him, but as a family member rather than a lover these days. It has been this way for a few years now. I have tried to get the spark back but I think it has just gone out for me. We have been together 20 years so perhaps this is just normal.

I did consider splitting with him for a while but for various reasons have decided not to. I could easily cope financially in the event of a split but other than a lack of attraction it’s a happy enough, harmonious home. He is still very attracted to me though.

There is no atmosphere, no animosity, we get on well and the DCs are happy and thriving.

How do you cope with it if you are in the same situation? I tend to just get on with it although it can be hard. I did consider telling him but some things can’t be unsaid and the last thing I want to do is hurt him but do I owe him the truth?

The worst part is, I am desperate for a passionate, intimate shag, just not with him. I won’t do this but I do miss it.

Eventually you'll meet someone you fancy and it will be a big unhappy mess.

You either have to be selfish and put yourself first, and split up. Or poke up with it until the kids are gone. Neither are appealing. I am not being judgey as I went with option 1. But it was the best decision I ever made.

Have you considered what it's like for him to live - for years - with someone you love and are attracted to who isn't attracted to you? How soul- and self-esteem-destroying that is?

It's one thing if the fire has dimmed for both of you and you're both open and honest about that. It's another to be fantasizing about someone else and constantly rejecting someone who still wants you.

If you just carry on like you are, at some point your marriage will implode in resentment and hatred and lies. Your one shot at saving it is to be honest with your H and get some counselling together. Maybe you can reignite the spark, maybe you can't, but if you ever loved him he deserves to know how you feel.

By not having sex.

Yes I think the sex situation is important here, OP. If you are suffering through sex you don’t want on a regular basis, that increases the urgency of getting out of this. If both you and your DH seem quite happy to bumble on without much/any sex, that’s a different thing.

I agree with a PP who said his feelings should be considered, but I think so long as he is DEFINITELY unaware you feel this way it’s not as black and white as saying leaving him immediately is the kinder thing to do.

What you describe is far more common than people would have you believe. It’s easy to think everyone is driven mad with lust for their partner after many years, as that’s the picture so many paint, but I do think this is rarely the case...

At the same time, sexual fulfilment is a human need and if you don’t solve this problem you will spend the rest of your life unfulfilled. If you left him and found someone for that passionate shag there’s no guarantee that person would be a good partner to you in other ways. Would you still be happier in this situation? Try to picture it and be honest with yourself.

Sorry OP, I clearly have no useful advice. But I know how you feel as I have been there.

Also important: were you ever deeply in lust with him in the first place? If so, there may be hope. When I was in this situation I realised I had NEVER really felt that “spark” - so there was nothing to get back.

Sorry to the PP who said consider his feelings and suggested counselling - I mixed your post up with the one suggesting possibly leaving. Both sensible posts though, more useful than mine!

Apologies for the delay in responding, I have been away and haven’t had a moment alone. Thanks for answering.

I was deeply in lust with him at one point yes but he always kind of held me at arms length. Sex every other day, never twice in one for example. We also married, bought a house and had babies in quick succession so I didn’t really have time to think about anything.

More important is probably the fact that I have changed a lot. When we met I was just out of an abusive relationship and was attracted to his kindness. I still am, just not in a sexual way. These days though he strikes me as being very passive and I’m not attracted to it.

I suppose I do need to talk about it with him and see where it takes is. The thought makes me want to cry but so does the thought of gritting my teeth and getting on with it forever more.

Thank you all.

I think you need to just move on..

@RetinolAddict
I could write some of this!
I was in mad lust with my OH I always fancied him but years of being turned down held at arms length has knocked me too
I think to the point where I emotionally detached to make it feel less like rejection
I have a lovely kind sweet husband yet I am now struggling to get the spark back and I don't know how!
Like you we have an otherwise good relationship!
I did speak to him about these feelings and he was upset, horrified he had make me feel this way and wants to fix it.
I am still struggling to get the spark back I'm sorry I can't help you just wanted you to know you are not alone xx

Your not a bad person for falling out of love! Personally I think you can't and shouldn't stay in a relationship that is unfulfilling. It shouldn't be a chore and you both deserve happiness.

Do it right and you can still be friends, great parents and enjoy seeing each other happy with other people. Do it wrong and you'll destroy each other. You'll make each other miserable and your children will be affected.

Remember the children will know or feel something's not right. I'm the product of a parents who stayed together for years in an unhappy, none intimate relationship. They then split up. My most unhappy times were when my parents tried to hide what was going on and us kids knew they were miserable.

I'm coming at it from the partners point of view, married years, familiarity, I was told I love you just not in love (IE don't fancy ( I initially was upset, thought I wasn't atrctive, sexy, when it came down to it he had had his head turned, are you sure OP its not just YOU feel like you can do better? You feel I'm so much more than he is, I can pull a better guy? Because trust me, you will age, that better guy will look at you the same,if you have a man that loves you, you owe it to him to at least let him know, let him find a wonderful woman who adores him, stop being a selfish twat basically.

Sorry meant to say, there are probably loads of ladies who would love to be with your partner, bloody let him go, you do your thing, and give him a chance to find his soulmate, x

I'm in your situation. Been married a long long time, 30 years+. He tells me I haven't changed at all, I tell him he has, and he just laughs and makes jokes about him being fat. He's barely recognisable as the man I married and physically he does nothing for me. Otherwise we get on really well and ours is a happy home. I would be lying if I said I had never considered leaving in the past, but I decided years ago to put our children's happiness and stability above my own wants. There was no way my DC were going to have the trauma and upheaval I went through as a child. I was very screwed up by my upbringing, and the fact that I have two happy, stable, confident adult DC is my reward. I'm happy with my decision, sex is no longer important to me (and I used to be something of a nympho!), but I understand others may think sex is the deciding factor. Plenty of women on these boards are having good sex with incompatible men, and venting their frustrations about lazy, moody, manipulative, cheating partners - I know which set-up I prefer.

You are so lucky you could cope financially. You have options.

Sorry for those in the same situation.

I’m not really seeing how this makes me a selfish twat. He may think I’m a selfish twat by telling him. I feel more selfish by considering my options and possibly causing family strife when otherwise all is fine and that I should just suck it up for the sake of everyone else.

Could I do better? Possibly but only in the sense that I may meet someone who meets all my needs better, as may he. Objectively he is still a handsome man when he makes an effort.

Fishing that has been my opinion up until now but I’m wobbling. I do this from time to time then think no, I’ve got this. And repeat. I’m glad you made the best decision for you.

Honestly? Lust and sexual attraction are not really the be-all and end-all and often are more reliant on hormones and external factors than we appreciate. When you think about our reproductive systems we are biological creatures as well as social and it is “normal” for sexual desire to lessen over the years.
Relationships are hard work. Sometimes seeing your partner through fresh eyes can help- maybe a new hobby together where you see that other women could and would be attracted to him, or other men may not be as nice or kind... these things often help to rekindle stuff.
Dating. Making efforts to dress up or to look nice for each other. Massages, showers together, sleeping nude.
If you’re willing to put in the effort you would most likely reap the rewards. The grass may not be greener after all.

Op I feel for you. I don’t consider myself qualified to advise really but thought I’d share my experience just to give you more food for thought!

My Dh became ill shortly after we met. We married and had children, but as the years progressed his illness got worse and there followed many operations, several strokes, three transplants etc. Inevitably his body altered and although he was still very attracted to me, he was unable (no matter with what help) to maintain an erection.

There were of course other ways of making love than piv but the problem was I was no longer attracted to him in any way. I was his carer and I’d seen him suffer so much that I couldn’t get past feeling protective and almost maternal towards him. But there was no way I was ever going to tell him that and upset him - we loved each other deeply, I respected and admired him enormously. He died and I can’t tell you how relieved/grateful I am that he died not knowing how I felt physically about him. It didn’t matter by then anyway to either of us.

I’m not saying this is the right way for everyone to go about things. Usually honesty and openess and communication are what I’d advocate but you know - every situation is different. And sometimes there are more important things than being physically attracted.

I genuinely thought I’d be happy never to have sex again but I will admit to now, in the occasional moment, entertaining the thought of what it might be like if I was ever to meet anyone else.

No help whatsoever I know!

fishing are you me?
married 31 years, and crave physical contact. Not even sex, just a touch or connection. But not with DH. It's lonely in a relationship like this.
Can't remember when we last had sex which is a relief.It was horrible.
But with the right person....who knows?

It's not clear to me whether he still wants sex with you?

If it's OK with him to be in a sexless relationship, then I guess it's whether you want that for the rest of your life.
If it's not OK with him, it's not fair to keep hanging on.