Questioning myself... on myself/communication with the opposite sex

[PookieDo]

I have been single for a while, last relationship never got very serious and did make me feel a bit rubbish about myself. He told me I was sexy but thought I was overweight (I am 5’6 and size 14-16, which is on the plump side I suppose) and no one has ever really given me any other compliments (like about my personality) or honest feedback about myself, so I don’t know if there is anything offputting about myself or that I could change or improve about things I do, say etc.

To be honest I think I generally feel rubbish about myself although I don’t take much notice of it as I am very busy recently but today I saw a very good looking man and completely ignored him because I seemed to assume he would never be interested in me. 😂 so got me thinking...

I am just average looking, bit plump, dress nice for work but im not one for lots being comfortable with lots of skin on show. I wear a normal amount of make up. I don’t think I purr around like a sex kitten I’m kinda just normal.

I decided to go back on Tinder about a month ago but I quickly lost interest, was difficult to muster up any flirting - I’m outgoing and confident with plenty of convo and I think i can be funny but it goes into the friendzone usually and then fizzles out. So I suppose I should wait for someone to come along who I do want to flirt with but then I worry about giving out the wrong impression that it will just be them wanting sex and not getting to know me, and that is also boring when there is no intelligent conversation.

I also don’t know if I am being fussy about the types of men that do find me attractive - pretty much any attention they give me is a big turn off and I find a bit letching - usually because it is sexual attention and not ‘oh wow you have a great personality’ so I instantly get this face and pie them off. I never seem to find them attractive back but I don’t know if I am limiting my options by doing this or whether it’s just best to go with your first instinct to say thanks but no thanks

Dating is so very time consuming and confusing!

@PookieDo I met my husband through a daring agency so I may be biased. But I do wonder if tinder is a great thing.

Can I ask how old you are and what you enjoy doing for fun in your spare time (because hobbies and interests may be a way to meet people).

Good luck.

today I saw a very good looking man and completely ignored him because I seemed to assume he would never be interested in me

Well, to be realistic he probably wouldn't be. Being unreasonably harsh on yourself is bad, but being wildly overoptimistic can be harmful too. I second Italiangreyhound. If you've rarely experienced any guys flirting with you, perhaps its because you haven't really put yourself out there. I mean met single guys your own age and really talked with them, maybe flirted a little. There would be plenty of guys who would be interested, but just give the ones who aren't very good looking a chance.

I think it’s not about looks - I wouldn’t approach someone super good looking as I’m aware not in my league. But the only flirting I experience is very sexual and I’m nearly 40 now and just expecting something more than pure sex. Something with more substance.

I know from my own past experience that it isn’t about how people look on first impressions - a lovely guy I might not fancy to begin with I would 100% talk to and give a chance. But they don’t talk to me. I look 10 years younger than my actual age which seems to attract sleazy men 50+, not my own age either! The last guy I was with who called me fat actually was really insecure that I was more attractive than him and it caused stress.

But a guy I don’t really fancy who just wants to talk about sex in a sleazy way probably won’t talk to at all. It’s just so off-putting and hard to see past

I’m actually really drawn to personality but don’t think that’s reciprocated by men so there is a mismatch of what each other is looking for

I work in a mostly female environment. I don’t regularly go out to bars and pubs as I have 2 teenage DC, but I do go out sometimes just never meet anyone.

I am also studying and swim frequently and just generally enjoy a busy life.

I could go to the gym but I doubt I would meet anyone there and I hate the gym!

This happened to me recently and is what always happens:

I meet a guy on my course that I am studying. While I working out what I think of him - he seems nice but don’t know him, being friendly (trying gentle flirting) he dives in 10000 miles an hour, gets my number and tries to persuade me to shag him after 2 days. I decline and instantly have a crap impression of him. I friend zone him and unless he does something miraculous that’s where he will stay

Most men aren't actually naturally confident and assertive. The minority who are assertive and aggressive tend to be the ones who are mainly after casual sex. There are plenty of guys who would like a proper relationship, but you'll have to try and meet them halfway a bit. Talk to them, develop conversations. As you've discovered, some will be mainly after quick sex. But some will want more.

I met my husband through a daring agency oopse I met my husband through a dating agency, but a daring one sounds fun!

" The last guy I was with who called me fat actually was really insecure that I was more attractive than him and it caused stress."

Yeah, it's called Negging, very nasty.

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Negging

'But a guy I don’t really fancy who just wants to talk about sex in a sleazy way probably won’t talk to at all. It’s just so off-putting and hard to see past'

Definitely avoid those types.

You are 30 something and look ten years younger, just avoid the sleazy guys.

If you can afford it go for a more classy dating establishment that is not all about sex. Tinder strikes me as being very much all about sex! (Or rather all about looks, and hooking up) but dating is more than that. Apologies to anyone who met the love of their life on Tinder.

I was wondering about the assumptions men make - if I talk to someone who thinks I am more attractive than them then they probably feel the same that it’s pointless, as they assume I am all about looks? So I try to get to know them but don’t go anywhere?

Yeah I think I agree Tinder is not right for me 😂

I remembered something last night that I realise has stuck with me. About 7 or so years ago I became attracted to a male friend in our group. He wasn’t traditionally good looking but we got quite close and I made it clear I liked him - we didn’t have sex but I kissed him a couple of times.
He decided to back off and choose another girl who was also our friend which you know, wasn’t ideal but it is what it is. His explanation to me was ‘you are not girlfriend material and she is.. you just aren’t the type guys want to marry’. And he married her a year later

I can’t work out what the issue is sorry! Are you saying you are more attractive than the men who go after you?

I also don’t see why looking ten years younger means you attract men ten years older.

I've read and re-read your posts trying to figure out exactly what it is that's bothering you. I think it's just self-confidence TBH and a bit of frustration over the lack of decent men you've met so far. You sound to me genuinely like a pretty awesome woman. You're intelligent, you have real depth to your personality, you have a lot going on in your life and judge people by what's inside them rather than on the surface.

If I was on the dating scene (I'm not ,and have no expectations ever to be, so this is not me trying to chat you up) and got the same sense of who you are chatting via OLD as I get from your posts here I'd be super-keen to meet you. If your personality IRL lived up to expectations I expect I'd find you very attractive.

You maybe just need to look for the right guy in different places and don't lose faith in yourself.

What about focusing on your own health and well being? Do things you enjoy, try things you always fancied but never got round to. Do what you need to feel better about yourself. Improve your own quality of life in the first instance. You seem to be putting pressure on yourself - asking if it's because you are not great at flirting, feel plump and average looking...i doubt it's any of those things...it can feel hard to meet genuine caring men.....im the meantime why not put yourself first?

Yeah it’s just frustration and wondering if I am doing something wrong - I just would like to meet someone interesting, funny and I am sure sexy flirting could grow from that... and I am demoralised from years of men demeaning me into a just a girl to try to bang. I am more than that

I have been pretty much serious relationship free for 10 years and I am honest I would like to meet someone. I’ve done just fun relationships and they don’t fulfill me. Saying that i am pretty happy by myself just have an underlying feeling of low self confidence I suppose - although I refuse to just be with anyone for the sake of it!

I don’t know why it’s relevant that I look younger but it’s often a factor that people don’t believe I am the age I say I am so in some ways it’s hard to be taken seriously even in a work setting when people think you are 25 not 38

And thanks for advice I appreciate it x