Narcicissm and getting over it

[isheanarc]

I had a year and a half long relationship which has destroyed my confidence along the way. It ended three months ago. I don’t know the reasons why as he just stopped responding to messages /answering his phone but I know for a fact he has moved onto someone new as he was cheating all along.

I’ve seen a counsellor who said he had a lot of narcissistic traits from the behaviours I described. He was very clever though, he’d never say anything nasty outright. He’d instead word it as “I like the woman who ...” and would come out with things that I didn’t do. He’d gaslight me, making me think I was going mad. He’d be hot one day then ignore me the next. He wouldn’t let me meet friends or family because we weren’t a relationship, we were an ‘us’. He started off massively keen then he started criticising me by inferring things rather than saying it direct, he’d stand me up literally an hour before we were due to meet, and when I’d bring these things up he’d promise to change but never made any effort to do so. He took pride in being a control freak and would boast about bring able to control anyone and any situation. He had a porn addiction and I feel inadequate to the women he objectified, he viewed that type of sex as the norm and would never be romantic or cuddle me.

When he went, it left my confidence at rock bottom. It’s three months on and I’m finding it hard to let go. I’ve so many questions about what happened and why. I still can’t help but feel that I handled it wrong.

There is no right way to handle a narc other than to leave. It’s a game to them and they make up the rules as they go along, so you would never win, he would just keep moving the goalposts.

I read a good book called The Narcissist You Know. It is quite enlightening but then I realised I was putting in a lot of effort trying to understand a man who didn’t really deserve all my mental energy.

Try to be gentle on yourself, you were probably addicted to him, as I imagine he could be quite charming on his high days, so like a rat getting electric shocks for a treat, you keep going back for more, getting more and more confused, while the treats get more and more sporadic.

You know you’re best off out of it but it will take some time for your heart to catch up.

Do you have counselling at all? That might help you to figure out why you accepted so little from him.

Oh he was totally addictive. On good /hot days I felt like the only woman on earth yet th next day he’d send a brief response to any messages if he’d reply at all. If he sensed I was cottoning on to his games, I’d get the silent treatment until I was a wreck emotionally again. Then he’d come back and would subtly suggest things weren’t working out so that I’d grovel and put up with even more hurtful behaviours.

Well at least you’ve identified his behaviour and what he is, that is a huge head start. I think the rest of it will just take some time.

The most dangerous point is when you’re still mired in it and can’t see a way out.

Just cut ties and don't look back, think about a future of blissful peace, one where you are not waking up anxious, a future you that has a clear head and a smile on your face.
It will be hard and you will be dealing with cognitive dissonance but you need to get yourself mentally well and keep focusing on yourself.
Get some therapy and plan new things for your future. We only live once, please don't waste your precious time in a situation like this.
Let the narc play his silly games with someone else whilst you focus on yourself and a better future.
Read books, listen to YouTube videos about overcoming narcissistic relationship, meditate, run, whatever it takes to overcome the abuse and come to terms with what you have been going through.
No contact, ever again, is the only way you will heal x