Am I being unreasonable

[Crowndale]

Afternoon everyone,

Just seeking some advice on whether I am being unreasonable or not.

In brief I have been split up from my wife for 16 months, left the family home at the same time due to the relationship breaking down, we had become friends and nothing more.

We have a 6 year old child together, we have kept things amicable and remain friends. I have our child on 4 nights over a two week period.

I have met a new partner and we have been together for 6 months, the relationship is going very well and I have met her children recently. I told my wife about my new partner 3 months ago.

I would like to introduce my son to my new partner and her family however my wife is point blank saying no and that I can't even tell our son that I have a new partner.

In fact we haven't even told our son that mummy and daddy have split up yet despite living apart for 16 months.

I see this as a serious new relationship, we are both in our late 30's and we are both looking at this as working towards a long term relationship.

I appreciate it is relatively early days but we are both very committed to making this work. We wouldn't want to introduce children otherwise.

I don't want to upset anyone but realise that this is going to happen.

At the moment my new partner is upset because we can't move forward, I can't see her when I have my son. I have to pretend she is a secret, even sometimes ignore her when I'm with my son. Family events etc are a no go. She would love to meet my son and can't wait.

It's making things very difficult to try and plan our future.

My wife hasn't said when I can introduce my new partner just a blank no it's never happening.

Should I force the issue, I want to be honest with my Son. I understand that this is going to upset my wife.

In my view it's just putting on hold what is going to happen at some point in the future.

I believe my wife is clinging on to the hope that my new relationship will break down and we will get back together. She is struggling to move on and I am trying to be sensitive to that so as of yet haven't said anything to our son. Is that in itself giving her hope.

I feel like she is controlling everything. She has threatened me with not being able to see my son if I go through with this.

I know that won't be the case, as my son is everything to me.

Your thoughts would be appreciated.

Thanks

Well you can hardly introduce your girlfriend if your child doesn't even know you've split up!

How on earth does this work?
How have you explained separate houses etc?

This is the issue imo.

Even after you've told the child you've split up it should still be months before you introduce someone new surely?

You must be able to cope with spending 8 days a month apart for the sake of your kid.

Tell your child you are getting divorced.

Give your child a few months to adapt to that reality.

Reassure your child that he/she is loved by you. I'd be looking to increase the time you spend together for that to be plausible.

In another 6 months, maybe longer, if your child has accepted the new reality well then you could consider introducing your new friend as a good friend.

In the meantime don't blank your gf just wave and say hello like she were a normal friend.

Maybe some time later you could let your child know that you and friend are more than just friends, that new gf is not going to replace her mother and that you will still be her dad.

Your post says a lot about what you want and what the gf wants but nothing about what is in the best interests of your child. Switch that thinking around.

I think it's very important for your partner to meet your child now, you need to see how well you will gel as a potential new family before too much time passes.

I would collect your son as per normal and firmly inform her that you will be introducing your partner at that time. If she has any problems perhaps she could organise mediation to help iron things out. Until then, while you respect her, she does not get to dictate this part of your life with your son.

Your son may be young but it's highly likely that he knows you aren't together anymore. It won't be a surprise to him.

In fact we haven't even told our son that mummy and daddy have split up yet despite living apart for 16 months. WTF?! Surely at the age of 6 he is aware that you’ve split up even if you haven’t spelled it out to him as you don’t live there anymore? What does he think is going on, that you just work away and he comes to stay at your work or something?

It’s sad that your ExW is hanging onto the idea of you getting back together - has she also not been told that you’ve split up?!

I think you all need to start communicating more clearly with each other. Your DS needs to know the truth and your ExW needs putting straight that there is no chance of a reconciliation whether or not your new relationship lasts.

She has no right to police how you spend your time with DS or who else is there. Of course there’s a place for sensitivity and respect and a respectable amount of time to leave before you move on without it looking cold and heartless, but I’d say after 16 months, that time has already passed.

The fact that your son has been deprived of the opportunity to deal with the split may have delayed the ‘right time’ to live on. The amount of time that seems ‘too quick’ is different for everyone but if he honestly still thinks you’re together then of course you can’t introduce a new girlfriend. This all needs straightening out ASAP with some honestly and age appropriate explanations.

may have delayed the ‘right time’ to *move on.

You haven't been living together for a long time . Sit him down and tell him that you've split up and have been for a long time, that you both love him and nothing changes etc. And start including your girlfriend in things . It's not up to your ex to decide this.

Thank you everyone for your helpful advice.

Your child needs to get used to one thing at a time, and even after that I think 6 months is too soon to be telling them about a new partner. I've been there, and made the wrong decisions. Put your child first.

16 months and she still has hope? You've agreed to your son not knowing you've separated even though you haven't lived there for 16 months. Clearly that must have involved some lies and most likely led her to believe that indeed, you still had a chance to get together.

You might have taken a soft touch to it because it suited you then, unfortunately, you are now paying for it. It's time to accept that you can't leave cloudy waters and need to start to make things clear to your wife but indeed, she might feel that she's been used, left to believe that you might come back and therefore feel resentful.

If that's the case, expect quite a battle, but in the end, your child has a right to see you regularly, so you might want to prepare yourself already to have to go to court to make contact official.