What do after a marriage collapses and your from different contries

[jamer001]

So just over 5 weeks ago my husband of 20 years announced very unexpectedly that the sparks gone and that he finds the kids selfish, within a week he moved in with his mum and that was it! The complicating factor is that I'm from a different country and three years ago we packed up all our furniture and animals to start our life here in the UK. Since the break-up me and my two boys have heard nothing from his family just a wall of silence. I have no family here in the UK and my initial gut feeling was to go home as I feel quite isolated here...my husband has showed minimal interest with the kids, because I cant claim benefits here, he has agreed to pay our rent for 12-18 months (thanks your so kind) as I would not be able to afford living here with my wage, but I feel trapped and feel like every choice has been governed by him. I just want to go home and be with my family where I can get support I need, the issue is that both my boys love living here in the UK, one of my boys is almost 18 and he said that he would like to finish his study here in the UK (that I can totally understand) my youngest who is 12 has plenty of friends, but I would like him to come home with me and I think he will, of course I feel huge guilt with this decision as I would be breaking up our family although feel as if my partner already did this without giving it a chance. I'm curious to know what you think about this?

I'm still here two years post break-up. For many reasons but essentially though I miss hole it's best for everyone including me if I'm here. It's hard though and I get very resentful of not having family to help etc

Are they his children? If so, you can't move them without his permission.

They are his children but he has no interest in them. Of course when the time comes I will seek his approval.

I'm just wondering whether you should discuss it with him first, it might save a lot of hassle if you know up front that he's going to be an arsehole about it.

You also need to consider whether you'd be happy living in a different country to your DS1.

I probably sound unsympathetic but I don't mean it like that at all - I'm just looking at the practical side. I'm also in an international marriage and have seen many of them break down so I have an idea of the complexities (and heartache) involved. Are you from a country that's geographically distant to the UK? Do you expect visa hassles in the future? Not sure if you can answer these without outing yourself but I'm just trying to get a fuller picture.

Hi! thanks for your message :)

I am from Australia, the support I have there is phenomenal.

We have no support here at all, all my family want us back home, it was my plan to give it 6-12 months before we head back.

I feel very trapped, that I cant make any decisions for myself and that he has all the power to determine my future.

I at some point want to meet someone else as I'm in my mid 40's.

So many things to consider

So you've been in the UK 3 years? I think you might be hard pushed to claim this wasn't a perm move after this time.

I think at a certain age the courts listen to dc and may allow you to take ds2 back to Aus if he wants it also.

Fwiw I'm Australian and DH is Irish and I've wondered this as we're both not from here, we'd both be stuck in the UK, something neither of us wants!

Well it was supposed to be a permanent move.

The point is I do not want to remain living in the UK, if his family had been more supportive then maybe it would've been a different story.

My mind is made up! He can follow and live in Aus if he desires to see his son grow up, but the behaviour he has shown has been very selfish.

We are also living quite remotely and I don't drive a car, that doesn't help either.

It's a village where we know everyone so its hard to escape.

Its really frustrating

I've stayed on abroad, though partly as the job situation here is better for me. Also as the kids have their lives here and (both over 18) wouldn't come with me.

I've actually fuond I've made more friends since we broke up than in the 20+ years before. Initially it meant more free evenings for me, so more time to go out. And not being expected to spend time with a husband at the weekend makes you more flexible. When you start dating that also means going on fun outings etc. Feeling more alone gives you greater motivation to go out and seek people's company. And, thinking more about what I want from life, I've gone back to some old hobbies.

Don't forget that you don't have to make a decision now that will last forever. You could stay here for several years then leave when your youngest is 18. And in between you might find a job and become more independent. Or you might meet someone new and decide to stay. (Or just have a succession of fun boyfriends and a great time.)

It doesn't matter if your mind is made up though, you can't take ds2 out of the UK without his df permission or court approval.

Is his dad so bad that your son would be happier without him? My mum moved to the other side of the country when she split up with my dad, and now says that she regrets it, as it wasn't a good thing to do to me. I used to have dreams in which I bought a car and drove over there.

Why can't you claim benefits? Have you looked at getting a better paid job or working more hours? He'd have to pay maintenance etc. Have you seen a solicitor? How old is your youngest?

I feel for you... I uaven’t ended my marriage yet, plucking up the courage. I am from Latin America. Kids love it there, unfortunately they are not fluent in Spanish but I’m sure they’ll pick it up quite quickly. They’d love to go (and I’m sure their dad would give his permission she says) but what’s stopping me is that my eldest starts GCSEs in September and I don’t want to ruin his academic life. I don’t want to leave him behind either. It is so difficult. Can’t stand one more day in this marriage/life, but I’m not brave enough...if it ends I can’t stay here. I just can’t... I even broke down in front of the solicitorast week.

You really should not put your feelings ahead of your children. Their lives are in the UK and they don't want to go to Australia.

You can wait a few years until your eldest has finished school can't you?

You don't really need family support! They're not little ones who need babysitting. They need their lives and their budding independence and their friendships, that's what this stage of life is about. Don't extinguish all that because you want to go back to your family.

Never mind the fact you will be cutting them off from their paternal family. Yes it sounds like dh is a dick but he just may need some time to sort himself out. Leaving with the kids would basically guarantee their relationship never recovers...

And five weeks after a split isn't the time to make such monumental decisions in any case.

Calm down, keep your focus small, focus on supporting your children. You are not the most important person in this situation.

Seek legal advice as well. Get real about how much maintenance and settlement you'd get in a divorce. You don't have nearly enough information to make a good decision for your kids at present.